Thursday, January 12, 2017

HEAD AND HEART CONFLICT


My head says leave ASAP, my heart says stay forever. This is my dilemma, my frustration, the source of my anxiety... because of the pressure, the money, the micromanaging.

I love him so deeply and I get separation anxiety. I know he loves me, yet his words can be so thoughtless and cruel, and because I'm ultra-sensitive it is 100x worse.

I know I'm dying here. I know what it takes to live. But I have no home except in his arms.

Saturday, January 7, 2017

SLEEP ATTACKS FROM A SUFFOCATING RELATIONSHIP


Sleep attacks... episodes during sleep. This is what was happening to her.

It started on Sept 28th, at 3AM in the night. She kept waking up briefly to fix her pillow, thinking her head was too low and blood was pooling in her head. Finally she woke up, SAT UP straight in bed, and breathed fast, trying to get circulation restored in her body. Her limbs were numb, her body felt like it was aching, ill, dizzy, sick, about to pass out, dying. Her face was even numb, and her skin all over felt like it was covered in plastic wrap. What was happening? Was she dying? Should she call 911? Breathe... just breathe... after 20 minutes it relaxed and her circulation seemed to restore.

A week later it happened again... to a lesser extent, but still scary. Then another week or so later. Within a month she was at the sleep lab, but apnea was not strong enough to warrant a CPAP machine. Then the episodes, even though not as severe, were becoming more frequent. Every few days apart, then every other day... then every night she would wake up with her face numb and dizzy... then several times a night. Meanwhile she went back to the doctor 4 times, requesting tests galore.

They HAD to get to the bottom of this! She tried everything from spiritual prayer and psychics, to naturopathic remedies, a medicine man's special healing tea, herbalism, radical diet change to a low-lectin diet, and she was no zero medications. Allopathic medicine was taking too long. Finally the Gastroenterologist gave her GERD meds, but they didn't help. Sleeping on propped up pillows semi-helped, but even sitting up, ultimately would cause her to wake up 10 minutes to a couple hours after falling asleep, gasping for oxygen and dizzy and numb. Sometimes her eyes went dim, or the lids compressed, as in an eye twitch that got stuck shut. Boatloads of blood tests and complete metabolic profiles (with anemia being the only thing wrong--which was fixed with iron pills--as well as hypotension), and a full thyroid panel, and more was done. An ECG was normal, but the Holter monitor for the heart was put on for 30 days. They ordered an endoscopy, colonoscopy, and EKG next.

By the fourth visit to the doctor, which was 3 months into the scene and still without a diagnosis, he said, "It does not look like apnea, and it does not appear to be your heart, or GERD related, and your neurological test and other tests are all coming out normal. I think you're probably having panic attacks."

So she got an anti-anxiety medication, temporarily, as another 'test' to see if it worked. So far everything she had tried seemed to work at first (including chiropractic care, and sleeping on her stomach), but within a day or so it would revert right back to the same problem of these nighttime episodes.

Stranger things were happening on occasion... she would hear a bump in the house, or a noise, that didn't belong. She was not the only one who heard it, so it wasn't imaginary. She began to wonder if this was a spiritual problem. Something, or someone, trying to tell her something. Aside from a tumor, and the psychic saying it was a constricted blood vessel and that something on the outside was pressing in on it too, she wondered if the whole mess were symbolic rather than literal. Spiritual rather than physical.

She began to pray and tried to journey (shamanism style), and in the upper world saw something shaped like an oyster mushroom, elongate and misshapen, wondering if it were something that could help (immune booster?). In the underworld she saw herself hovering over the top of the edge of a huge fast-flowing waterfall. Water, for her, meant emotions. Falling water could not be good, and it explained her recent realization that she was not only stressed, but had a lot of anxiety about even going to sleep, knowing she would wake up feeling like she was dying. It was getting to her, and she cried a lot, was emotional, even during the day, and not getting a good night's rest, ever. That was the end of her fleeting spiritual journey. Only once did she see an animal helper--an opossum that was standing up... what did it mean? They eat ticks and yet are immune to them, and they eat bugs (bugs are bad spirits in the otherworld). Maybe she needed to read the "Creating a Bug-Free Mind" book. Possums also 'play dead' to protect themselves from predators. To put up a false front... or is it that someone else is being deceptive? Aside from hearing bumps in the house, she also saw a face... a man's face, nondescript, and wondered who it was. Her scalp had been crawling on and off for months, like when someone is "touching" her... usually stealing energy. Who was using her? Who was deceiving her? Who was she needing to protect herself from? Where was the source of her stress, and inner pain, and extreme anxiety if these were panic attacks?

There were only two things that almost always were the main cause of panic attacks (aside from the fact that she once thought she had cervical cancer, and those two attacks were obvious as to their origin, especially since one happened in the doctor's office)... the two things that stressed her out most were 1) finances, and 2) relationships.

In September her significant other had told her she had to pay an additional $1,000 per month on her bills. This imposition was impossible to attain, and she felt so overwhelmed that she thought her only way out was to die and let the life insurance pay off the $47K she owed her family in loans, plus the $50K in business loans, plus the $50K in student loans. She was paying all her bills, but not fast enough for him. He resented her debts, yet he had his own--perhaps he was projecting. She became so distraught that this is when the suicidal thoughts began... and within a couple weeks the first attack during sleep occurred. Her goal became to pay off her parents by December. The closer to December the worse/more frequent the attacks became. Was this the source of the problem? December came and went, and the attacks continued.

Perhaps there are lessons here... about relationships and unreasonable expectations, and about debts that are more than one can handle emotionally. They're all being worked on, a little at a time. The family never asked for the money back, and certainly not within such a tiny time frame. The pressure was from the spouse. It was his issue, placed on her shoulders, and guilt tripped to drive it home.

She sat and thought about the symbolic meaning of the blood vessel, the blood being life... the vessel being the delivery, and constriction of that life flow, with pressure from the outside. "An MRI would show it", meaning a clearer picture of the problem. There are many ways to see such things, not all of them through technology. Spiritual seeing, symbolic meaning. The inner possum was playing dead... causing her to feel like she was dying, but it was not real. The mushroom is for seeing beyond the problem with new eyes and immunizing ones self against such sickness. The waterfall was the precipice, and if she allowed herself, she would fall straight down and the result would not be good. Out of control emotions are not healthy, especially if their direction is straight down in a rush. The possum, a nocturnal animal, was helping her see she did not have to die... she can stop at any time. She can choose life, and eat the mushroom, and avoid the waterfall. She can release the constriction of the blood vessel from within and without, and eliminate the outside pressure her 'tumor' was causing from guilt and demands that are unnecessary.

She now has to redesign her life. She starts with prayer... yoga... reading... CD's... meditation... walking... NLP... research... herbal teas... stress relief... new plans... love... loving the self... finding inner peace... neurofeedback... more spiritual practices like journeying and being closer to God... more often... so the sleep attacks can go away for good... the numbness in the face (not feeling her own true self and what she is supposed to look and feel like)... the numbness in the limbs (not doing things she should be doing)... the dim and pressure on the eyes (not seeing clearly)... the dizziness (not standing firm)... having to sit up to gain composure and circulation (not moving, seizing, stagnancy, feeling trapped, not breathing properly, not moving, sleeping-on-the-job)... gasping for air (feeling suffocated from the pressure and not being able to move)... all of these have meaning, and they all go back to the two main issues of finances and relationship.

The finances can work themselves out over time--all her bills are paid, as they always are. The problem is her relationship and the stresses that it is placing on her unnecessarily, like the force of a gun being pointed at her. It is as if it is a tumor in her soul... a binding that restricts her life... a pressure that comes when she is not paying attention... when she is sleeping. WAKE UP! See the signs, understand them. She must if she wants to live again. Until then, the blood is suffocatingly stagnant.

Friday, January 6, 2017

UNIDIRECTIONAL LOVE


"What do you love about me?" she asked after lovemaking. Their sex had been both exciting and gentle... aggressive and tender... full of spanks while she was on top. The harmony and balance between the gender societal expectations had been superceded, the stereotypes brought back into harmony by her demands that he "force" her into submission while she remained in full control.

Yet it seemed imbalanced somehow, like it was mutual in its manifestation, yet singular in its meaning.

He was quiet, so she asked again, "What do you love about me?" He responded in gentle, kind, caring words... "that you kiss me... you give me bum-rubs, and back rubs, and cook for me, and treat me so well."

She realized he was dead serious.

He had entirely missed the question. What did he love about HER? Her qualities, her strengths, or even weaknesses,

His answers were not about her, they were about him, what he could receive from her... What she could DO FOR HIM. A user, perceived that the world revolved around him.

One-way love, unidirectional love. A love-sucking parasite... energy vampire.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

THE BIRTHDAY CARD DIVORCE


She was reading the book Blink, about how in the blink of an eye people can know things about others. Sometimes it is that easy—to just know something—and sometimes people take the hard road. She realized that she had invested her love into a man without reading the signs… or else the signs had changed, because she couldn’t bring herself to open his birthday card to her.

Just days earlier, on his birthday, she had gotten him a birthday card first, and written a nice blessing inside for him. But his anger over something petty was so fierce that he let his temper rule over any love between them, and he tore her card in half.

She couldn't sleep that night, as he was in the living room and refused to be by her side, even though the argument was trivial. She prayed to God, and asked for Him to show her what was going to happen to their relationship, to their marriage. She prayed for wisdom and insight, and for a sign.

She quietly laid there, getting ready to pray, but first she wanted to make amends with him, to show him she loved him… to do an act of good will towards him, for there is nothing she would not do for him.

So she went and pulled that broken card out of the trash, and noticed it had not been removed from the envelope, so had not yet been read. If only he could see the contents and know how she feel about him! Surely he would soften and find forgiveness and love inside his heart for her. She quietly took the dismembered card to the bathroom and mended it while he slept. She taped the card together front and back, making sure with great care that the torn edges were matched at their raveled seams, and then taped the envelope front and back as well. She gently put the birthday card inside the envelope once again and placed it by the mirror so he would see it, and open it, and read it, and be blessed and know that she adored him.

She went back to bed, and prayed. After praying a special prayer she laid there quietly, listening to the first thing that came to mind. The answer to her prayer and symbol of good will was surely to come. She was sure God would tell her what to expect regarding their marriage and relationship.

She prayed the special prayer no less than 20 times....

Then she laid still, hopeful and wondering, listening…

She immediately heard her husband get up from his bed, walk into the bathroom, and…. he ripped up the card again, unseen. Unread, it was demolished again.

She burst into tears because that card represented her heart, her love for him, and it had been rejected, destroyed. She knew he would do the same thing to their marriage. It was clear. It was done.

In that moment she knew that their marriage would not last, because being angry was more important to him than being forgiving. Being contentious was more important than getting along. Destroying what they had, and the love that was freely given to him was more important than nurturing it and being grateful for what he has, she realized.

The proof, in her mind, that their relationship would end (in eventual divorce) was answered in that prayer, in the very moment of silence immediately after she had prayed it and was listening for God to answer. He did. He did answer it, but through the free will and choice He gives her husband to make the decision about what he wanted or didn't want in his life. She figured he makes that choice every moment of every day, and in every way in how he chose to treat her, his own wife. She should have known in a blink, rather than going to all this trouble to figure it out.

So that is why she never opened his birthday card to her… because he never opened hers. She was not resentful or revengeful enough to tear up his card, nor to even throw it away. It just sat there, unopened. She decided it would remain until he threw it away.

One day he would choose another woman again and rip her heart in two and would leave her for that woman, or for some dream that the grass is greener on the other side, woman or not. He would separate and date others, and divorce her, and maybe remarry or have the children she was unable to give him.

The day he would leave her would be that secondary rip to her card/heart, and the prayer would have come to pass, but he would never see her accept his love again after that. Once he would do this, any love he would give her after that would be refused just as she had refused to open his card.

The day he leaves her would be the last day he was to have access to that love.

She knew it was solely his choice.

It always was.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

CHEAP AIR CONDITIONING - EARTH TUBES FOR COOLING


I made earth tubes once to cool my house. There's a 10-20 degree F difference between the inside and outside air temperature, inside your house being cooler when you use earthtubes. Of course, my house was a passive solar straw bale house, so it was energy efficient and had a 30 degree temperature difference between inside and outside!

The system is completely passive, which means no moving parts, and so uses no electricity, which means it's FREE (outside the cost of building them). Cost to make them is approximately $150/tube using new materials. You'll want one earth tube per room, or two for bigger ones. You'll need some yard space to dig the trenches to put them into the earth. The tubes are made out of thin-walled PVC.

You can find out more by reading my webpage on it here, plus there is a small PDF (version 1 of my old book) that you can read on my ebooks for free website here:

http://sunstar-solutions.com/wp/index.php/cheap-air-conditioning/

I also have a new full paperback (version 2) book that is greatly expanded on the topic, which is available through Amazon, for those interested in more details.

I hope you enjoy it and can save the earth and money while also staying more comfortable in your home... a win-win-win!

Sunday, July 3, 2016

WHAT IS A BAHA'I MARRIAGE


What is a Baha'i marriage? I thought I knew, but today, after speaking with our Secretary on the Local Spiritual Assembly, I discovered it was so much more than what I had envisioned!

I am a Baha'i. My husband is a Baha'i. Yet, we did not realize until today that we do not have a "Baha'i marriage" in the technical sense. Oh yes, we are married, and yes, our parents all approved, and we are both Baha'is, but we found out that we can get the consent of our parents in writing and still have yet another ceremony where, specifically, the Baha'i vows are taken.

What this marriage ceremony looks like can vary from culture to culture (ceremonial practices, dress, dance, music, food and drink, prayers and readings, traditions (if any), some modern vows mixed in, etc.). Again, it is the vows and how it occurs that make it a Baha'i marriage.

Baha'i vows are simple... both parties say, "We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God." Two witnesses are present to observe this union that promotes love, devotion, fidelity, and especially obedience to God, together. It is meant to be an everlasting union, between two people, in the highest possible way--in spirit.

The Baha'i faith does not have clergy, but the marriage is made legal and binding under the laws of the land (marriage license, ceremony, witnesses, so that all the religious and civil requirements are met).

Another thing I learned today about the Baha'i marriage is that not all "Baha'i marriages" (as per what is mentioned above) consist of both partners being Baha'is. Some are "mixed" marriages, religion-wise. Also, some people get married legally and then may later (even decades later) get married again to renew vows or to be married officially as a Baha'i marriage. Some start out with a Baha'i marriage. Consent in writing is required by all parents (who are still alive), even when the couple may have already been married, although since they are already married this is usually a simple step.

So there it is. Baha'i marriages are very simple to perform, but the consent of the parents in the family is meant to bring families closer together, and so there is full understanding and no contention between family members as the couple moves forward in the marriage. It is to promote harmony and love and support, rather than dissension.

Baha'i marriages are meant and designed to last.

I would love to have a Baha'i marriage...

Monday, June 20, 2016

OUR FUTURE WORLD

In the future...
In the future our world will look very different. Things will change. People will change first, and therefore governing bodies will change. Laws will be adopted and structural violence will not be tolerated. Global society and global citizenship will be the norm. Love will replace fear, and differences between people will be celebrated instead of being a source of contention. Unity in diversity and unity between religions will be the standard. A common spiritual acceptance will be the goal of every heart, and healing and growth of individuals will be the focus. Sicknesses will still occur but medical science will advance to the point where even aging will slow, and people will live in tune with nature rather than against it. Everyone will have basic needs taken care of as a human right... clean unadulterated water, a basic income to subsist on, a basic net positive green home, low-cost non-profit universal health care, real organic food grown locally that is GMO-free and where companies like Monsanto no longer exist. The disparities between the super rich and the poor will be overcome and not allowed. Utility companies will be non-profit and small-scale energy production will join a network of free and abundant energy so no monopolies will exist. No one will own land or the earth, but will share in its care as the greater goal. Travel without energy-consuming and polluting vehicles will be commonplace, and trips to other cities, countries, and even planets via walk-through portals will be everywhere. Learning and higher education will be free and ignorance will be eradicated, producing a society of learned people as a whole who take the time working to improve the arts and sciences equally towards the same ends. All languages will still be spoken, but one auxiliary language will unite the world in communication and goal setting. All peoples and cultures will have concensus for global peace, and they will rise together and quash any small group or people who try to interfere or bring war or injury. There will only be one currency and it will barely be needed, and mostly resource-based. There will only be one governmental ruling body that unites all countries and laws and the people will be its rulers together. The world of the future is unified and bright and full of inspiration and hope and promise. It will happen not because of fears, but because of love for humanity and a higher purpose being recognized and all life being honored. This change will only happen without because it first happens within. The change comes from within people first, and the rest follows. Until that day, individually or collectively, the changes we see in the world are hard pressed in coming. People are still attached to hate and fear, and are afraid of that future, or their neighbors, or other religions, or sexual orientation, or even this vision of a more perfect future. Those people will not live to see that future, for they choose the present state that is around them now, and are attached to it. But once let go, with love, kindness, compassion, justice, peace, and visions of that future world becoming all-embracing, then it will fruit and be accomplished. The change starts now. It starts with what we strive for and dare to believe in. It starts within. It starts with us.