Friday, January 18, 2019

Saturday, January 12, 2019


I don't even know how to start talking about this... trauma and how it creates victimization in some people. But after meditating and putting myself into a state of hypnosis, I recalled numerous times of abuse in my life that contributed to their accumulation and manifestation through my multiple relationships... not only with a number of husbands, but also of strangers, friends or "friends", and even family. I had been a victim to them all, and many of them before I understood what was happening to my psyche. It started with an innocent trip, but ended with trauma bonding.

Lots of different things are tied up in this... I always thought it was fear of loss, which led to a deeper occurrence of abandonment issues, followed by full on rejection. I was 9 months old when my parents left for 5 days to another state, and while normally a baby will cry for a little while and then stop, I didn't. I cried the entire 5 days... sometimes ceasing for a little bit and then suddenly bursting out in sobs and desperation for my mom. The nice lady who took care of me during that week didn't know what to do. Evidently 9 months of age is a particularly vulnerable time for babies bonding and learning independence in life--specifically, there's a deep bonding attachment to the mother at that age. It affected me throughout childhood (and well into adulthood), and being empathic and a natural introvert it made life... difficult.

I'm a sensitive. I sometimes see the future through dreams, or through other means. I have never found a way to change what I see though as it always happens. When people use mean words I am affected deeply by them, and if the tone is bad it cuts my soul like a knife. Empaths cannot stop other peoples' emotions from coming in and doing damage. It's both a curse and a blessing, depending. Grounding and protection have to be learned. The grounding comes fairly easy to me, but the protection was often lacking and I had to learn psychic self-defense. Some people are just stronger and can overcome it, especially if they are close to you and/or know your vulnerabilities. They can exploit them whenever they can if they so choose.

- As a baby I cried often at the sight of someone who later would abuse me... verbally, emotionally, and sexually. All three ways by the age of 8. These episodes throughout my childhood were probably most significant in that I became of a victim mentality.

- As a child other children formed a coup against me (through one leader who was new to the neighborhood) although the rest all returned to being my friend as soon as that person left.

- Around age 9-10 I accidentally wet the bed (I was a bed wetter) while spending the night at my friend's and she blamed me harshly for it. She was so mean about it that I thought her words were evil, and told her she must "love the devil to talk to me like that." What do kids know. She told her 16-yr old babysitter and they conspired against me. Within a few days my friend and I were walking home after school my friend asked me to come into their house before going home, so I did. Awaiting me was the babysitter who sat me down on the bed I had wet and lectured me, talked down to me, and told me I was going to get a spanking. She took me into the living room and her 18-yr old boyfriend hit me over and over after lecturing me some more, and while I was on the floor crying he said I had to kiss everyone's shoes and look up and apologize to each of them... him, his girlfriend (the babysitter), my friend, and my friend's little sister. Then they let me go and I ran home crying against the front door of my house until my mom heard me and let me in, asked me what was wrong, and all I could muster is that he had hit me (she took me and she told them off).

- Sometime within a few weeks of that (I can't remember how long for sure) my "friend" said she was really sorry and asked me to walk home with her. I agreed and forgave her, but as soon as we reached her front yard she punched me in the stomach--solar plexus--and it knocked my breath out. My eyes watered up and I couldn't breathe. She called me a baby for crying and ran into the house. It took me a bit to catch my breath and I went home.

- At age 13 I was riding bicycles with my best friend around the neighborhood and a fat man in an old beat up car (with different coloured fender) kept driving past us. I knew what he wanted so we stopped at a stranger's house. The old man and woman were coming out the door, and the man in the car passed by us. I wanted to ask them for help, but they looked like they had no time and so we decided to make a break for it and got on our bikes and peddled away. We were on the highway about to enter a hidden dirt road to sneak back home through the woods but the car passed and stopped in the middle of the highway and the fat guy in it stepped out of the car. My friend was behind me and was able to stop her bike, but I was too close so I sped up, holding a metal rod that I kept strapped to my bike for self-defense. I raised the rod and struck at him but he was holding a sawed-off cue stick and slammed it into my ribs, throwing me from my bike. I blacked out. I don't remember hitting him. When I woke I just saw grass in my face, and I self-assessed and said, "I peed my pants." He grabbed me by the hair and drug me into the car. I never heard my best friend screaming her head off. He put a knife to my throat (about a foot long including the wooden handle, serrated blade, and bent at the tip). He threatened to kill me if I didn't listen to him. I complied 110%. He was a drunk, and smelled like cigarettes. He felt me up and made me kiss him over and over. He took me on a lonely two-rut road and raped me. Later, the cops were already looking for him in unmarked cars and pulled him over and retrieved me. I got home safely, but not unharmed. This event created a severe trauma in me and made my deepest fears of dying to true to deal with. I had 'supersonic hearing' for a long time, being able to hear old beat up cars far off in the distance that nobody else could hear. I never rode my bike again. I tried a couple of times as an adult, but it wasn't happening.

- At 15 I was pregnant by a 21-yr old man, married him on paper, never lived with him, and divorced him. He was never there for us, couldn't read, and was an alcoholic.

- I then married a man who was nice, but turned out was mentally ill (schizoeffective) and undiagnosed and unmedicated. He started screaming and lost his temper all the time over nothing. It affected my baby until age 5 when I left him. This put into me a strong sense of arguing against illogical behaviour. 90% of our fights were over his physically abusing my son.

- Then I married a man who would be the father of my next two children, but he was passive-aggressive and we had relationship problems due to reasons I won't go into. But my choice in men had been greatly damaged by all of these things that had happened while growing up. We were together 10 years and luckily we're better as friends (and co-parented the kids) than we were as a married couple.

- I then married a man who was a scientist, and we got along famously. But he was still attached emotionally to his late wife, and had delusions about her at the spiritual level. There was also alcohol (binge drinking rather than alcoholism) involved, which put a wedge. Overall our relationship was good until the neighbor (my ex-husband who was mentally ill) molested my daughter. My husband got blamed as well. The whole thing ended badly, with prison time for my husband instead of the man who confessed to the crime. The investigator and DA were corrupt, among others involved in the case. It forever cemented issues surrounding sex and power into my being. I was chronically depressed and was also on anti-anxiety meds as well for years.

- I moved to WA state to heal and met the man who would be my next husband. We dated for 2 years and despite that he was passive-aggressive, I healed and was so happy! After we married there were verbal, emotional, and physical abuses that began (particularly and acutely after I had a miscarriage), including financial abuse, cheating and threats, and this all escalated over time, which rattled my PTSD and instantly threw me back into my childhood. I became desperate at those times. It was debilitating. I had chronic fatigue-like symptoms, yet the doctor could not diagnose me as having anything wrong outside of "stress". After 7 years together, and 5 of marriage, it ended in an assault that was bad enough for me to call 911.

I was trauma bonded due to this last one. If you don't know what trauma bonding is, I suggest you look it up on google/Wikipedia or any psychology website. It is really, really difficult to get rid of the lure/pull you have towards an abuser when trauma bonding occurs within a relationship (like Stockholm syndrome). It can be 90% good and 10% bad, but this fluctuation between reward and unjust punishment creates the trauma. The good times in between the bad ones cause the bonding to become stronger than any regular (normal) relationship. I never experienced trauma bonding with any of my ex's... only the last one. It's a doozy. It f**ks with your mind and heart and very soul. Only when you cry from grief do you know you've let them go... and then it creeps back in, the desire to be with them and start over... thank God for 'no contact' conditions from the police or I would have gotten together with him already.

My poor choices in men, based on relationships from the past, all placed me into a position of being the victim... again.

All of these instances were situations of power and force, sexual and verbal abuse, some form of emotional and domestic abuse, even financial abuse and spousal/domestic abuse, or having to deal with alcohol abuse in others, or other mental problems, which had influenced my life in negative ways. It is cumulative in some ways, and extends out like tendrils to the far reaches of your soul in others. The narcs are the worst, being like energy vampires that suck out your soul and use your life force to feed their need to control.

My desire to be with these men, even the best one (the scientist), was never a truly healthy decision in any case. I came to the conclusion after this last one that I simply cannot ever marry again. It is too risky, because obviously being involved with men in my life (who have severe problems of their own) will have some kind of dire consequences... to me. Perhaps I am the messed up one who needs to read the red flags better. I think it's just best to avoid ever marrying again as no commitment to someone will be easier to escape if such red flags do pop up. I'm not the type to necessarily never date again, but marriage is out of the question. I swore this last one would be my last marriage. It turns out that is true. I never expected it to end (especially like this), but it has.

Trauma has caused a victimization mentality, which needs to be healed completely. That cannot occur within an abusive relationship of any kind. My days of being with any man who would hurt me in any way, are over. There is no hope for someone who doesn't care about you and cannot (refuses to) protect you... from himself.

We are all raised by parents who try to do their best, but sometimes it's not enough. Sometimes there is abuse, whether it meant or not, whether it is accidental or on purpose. I was lucky I had great parents, yet things happened in my childhood that weren't necessarily their fault. But they still happened. Sometimes it is difficult to protect a child 100%.

Sometimes we have to go back to our inner child and heal ourselves before we can be an adequate partner to another.

Some people have no ability to truly love because they are so messed up. There is no hope in those cases, for they choose harm over love, and choose to be ruled by their anxieties and anger rather than logic or a peaceful spirit that would otherwise want to get along. Sometimes there is so much contempt for their parent(s) that they cannot love themselves, let alone another person. Sometimes in trying to punish their parent (or whoever), they wind up controlling and punishing you, as if you are responsible for their pain.

I've been married to a lot of these people who are messed up humans. We all are in some way. We've all experienced trauma in some fashion. We've all been victimized at one point or another. Some of us more than others.

Trauma may happen to us that is out of our control; but victimization is a choice. That is all.

Wednesday, January 9, 2019


Just a word to the wise...

Feed cats when they are hungry.
It's better to not stress out your pets.

Not feeding a fat cat so that it loses half it's body weight in a mere 7 weeks and is almost skin and bones, is animal abuse.
Flat out animal abuse.

Abusing animals until they start licking all their fur out is also animal abuse, as that is a sign that the cat is overly stressed.

Cats need food, just as people do.
Be kind. Feed your cats.

Monday, January 7, 2019


If you are a victim of abuse (verbal, emotional, and/or physical abuse) from a narcissist spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, family member, or otherwise, then the best way to deal with them is to understand the concept of having an allergy to them:

Narcs use you. They feed off of the energy you give them (positive or negative, it doesn't matter, as long as they are getting all of your attention). They gaslight and put you down and have other people on the side to replace you, because once you're gone, they need new narcissistic supply to feed their false selves (egos). Narcissists are energy vampires. They sap you of your life force. Narcissists are bad for you, just like a type of food or something else that you are allergic to is bad for you. These things will hurt you, and over time the symptoms become worse and worse. They escalate until it reaches a point where something breaks. The harm you can sustain can be detrimental... sometimes it can kill you. It is important to treat things that are bad for you by completely removing yourself from their presence. NO CONTACT. No allowing them to rob you of your life any more!

One of the most difficult things about being a victim of a narc in a long term relationship is that the longer you are with them, the more prevalent the trauma bonding can become. It's effects are felt after you and the narc haven't been in contact for some time. The desire to forgive them and take them back into your life, even on a minor level, can ultimately be devastating to your inner wellbeing and overall health.

Here is an example using the allergy analogy...

I love dairy, especially cheese and ice cream.
But as much as I love dairy, it does NOT love me.
Ultimately, eating dairy is bad for me, it harms me, and can eventually kill me.
In kind...
I love my narc, especially in those areas where I am weakest for him...
But as much as I love this narc, he does NOT love me.
Ultimately, loving any narc is bad for me, it harms me, and can eventually kill me.

Treat all narcs as if you are allergic to him/her/them.
Know that they cannot love you back, not the way you need. Not the way you deserve.
It will just never happen, or else it would have already.
You know this in your heart.

If you do not like how a narcissist is treating you, then maybe you are allergic to narcs, and should act accordingly. You would not eat poison if you knew it would kill you, would you? Would you take small doses of arsenic daily knowing it would kill you down the road? And large doses can hill you instantly, just like a sudden outburst of physical abuse can be dangerous enough to take your life.

Avoid them at all costs. For the rest of your life.

Even being "friends" with a narc is impossible, for they will just start using you again. Then you begin a NEW POISON ROUTINE and they hoover you until they've got you in their grips again, and then you'll be back to square one, slowly dying, just like before... like all the times before.

Stay allergic to narcs, and keep NO CONTACT. It could save your life.

Saturday, January 5, 2019


I was watching Outlander recently and watched as Claire’s loving husband, Jamie, was praying over his lovely wife, for her protection and safety, for her advancement and happiness. I realized at that moment just how important protection from harm really is.

In my blog titled RELATIONSHIPS THAT CUT LIKE KNIVES (from April 2015) I cover a story and lesson where husbands should protect their wives (or vice versa, really), but that when a husband turns away from this behaviour then it can become dangerous, especially over time.

Similarly, I bring to you another story that is yet raw, from my friend MariJo, who I recently met, and who wanted to tell her story. This is her story in her own words:

He said, “I can’t protect you”... it rang clear in my head as I recalled my own estranged husband who had told me this once years ago. In the end I had suffered verbal and emotional abuse, and even physical abuse, our relationship ending it’s final blow via his assault last year, to which I responded by calling 911. The damage done to my neck from him strangling me was enough that it took a week and a half before the pain subsided, and the medical report and police report will not be in his favour as the Crown/court proceeds. I realize now, after years of forgiving unforgivable behaviours, that I was choosing to be his victim by staying... because those words “I can’t protect you” obviously meant that he could not protect me from himself.

At this point, not only have I taken steps, finally, to properly protect myself, but I surround myself with people who also will protect me... the RCMP, the court, my family and friends, and any new acquaintances. If they even ever hint that they are a possible danger to me, they will be automatically expelled. Never again will I be without protection. Never again will this man hurt me. Never again will another.

I pray that my husband, who is now separated from me, be protected from the harm that befell him and destroyed his heart and damaged his mind that he would feel a preference to harm/hurt me than to protect me... his first and only wife who loved and adored him and wanted to stay until the end. He chose that end. I pray he never finds another victim that he cannot protect from himself. Either way, it certainly won’t be me.