Wednesday, February 1, 2017
It turns out that my nighttime episodes stopped 3 days before my son's death. The last time I texted him was 3 days before he died. He started taking an anti-anxiety medicine 3 days before he died due to his high stress levels from work and school and life. I had gone to Saturna island as a get-away with a friend to de-stress from the attacks 3 days before he died. The episodes occurred only at night, which were like a countdown... getting closer and closer together since Sept 28th when the first (bad) one started, until they were once a week, to a few times a week, to every other night, to every night, and finally several times a night. I was convinced that I was going to die in my sleep... but it was my son who died in my sleep.
It was prophetic. Psychic. Spiritual connection. (see my posting from Jan 7, 2017) I am known to have these, but it is usually hindsight before I figure out the full meaning of my premonitions. I had even figured out the gun (he shot himself in the head) part, and did not know how true it was, or would be. I had no idea it was my son. I kept thinking it was a physical health problem. Then the spirits started making noise and I saw a tall thin male figure in the night during one episode, but no face, so I couldn't see who it was. I was veiled, probably for my own protection. But some part of me knew.
My spirit knew... somehow... even a passing thought, like an intuitive moment 2 years before, where the saying that "it is harder to lose a child than a parent" made me ponder, and the first thing I thought of was, "Oh no, not my Jeremiah..." and even the age 21 came to me, so much that--just in case there was an accident (I never ever expected suicide)--I decided from that moment forward that ALL moments we have with our children, and parents, and loved ones, and friends, are a gift... a blessing... a temporary time that we can celebrate and appreciate and be grateful for their existence in our lives. Life is too short. I absolutely made it a habit to appreciate these precious times with my kids, and my parents, and others. It can all end in a snap. You never know. Even I could not predict this, but my spirit knew.
The nighttime episodes were difficult. The first one was different than all the rest. The first one was as if blood was pooling in my head. My entire head was numb, as were my limbs, as if plastic were over my skin and I could not feel. My circulation felt like it had stopped, yet I was alive. My entire body felt ill, and I almost called 911. I went to the clinic that morning and they started tests, but after 3 months and desperate visits they still could not find a cause, calling it anxiety or "panic attacks" at that point. I was picking up on my son's anxiety, and adding my own to it (I was afraid to sleep at night because I thought I was dying).
After that all the episodes became less severe, yet more frequent, and as if there was no blood in my head (rather than pooling), like they were getting closer together as if counting down to the moment of when death would occur. I wasn't getting rest. I had insomnia, like my son... and anxiety. Always between 1-4AM, being the worst of it. I stopped dreaming at night. I could not focus on anything spiritual in the day. I tried to meditate but only saw a waterfall or water or such, glimpses of things that were indicative of too much emotion and not enough answers. I knew I had to wake up and understand what was happening, but it was not available to me for whatever reason. Jeremy also had troubles at night, insomnia, and thoughts that haunted him. Existential anxiety. Guilt and voices in his head that he couldn't shake.
3 days after learning to de-stress at the island I found out my son killed himself. I lost it. I had to use what I had learned to cope and de-stress and worked on accepting what was happening... what had just happened. It helped me, although it did not take away the pain or the fact that we all missed him.
Somehow a mother's connection with her child is stronger than we realize. All of the nighttime attacks stopped except for the one night (3 days after he died) after I first flew into El Paso and stood on the spot where he dropped to the ground beside his car at the Sunset parking lot at "A" mountain on the NMSU campus in Las Cruces, NM. The attack that night was all me. I was responsible for it, for living out the anxiety from before, for the empathy I felt, and had trouble letting it go. I learned quickly that what I learned on the island is true... "stress is not something you have, it is something you do." Evidently my own son also experienced the doing part of this, and chose his fate the only way he knew would stop the stress once and for all. I do not blame him, I understand. I wish I could have shown him what I learned, but it is too late. I can only pass on the knowledge and hope it will help others. We cannot always know, even if our spirit knows, what is coming. Just be prepared for anything, and remember to love deeply and authentically, and focus on positive things.
As for me, I will focus on my son's life, not his death. He was a joy and a wonderful human being, full of compassion and love and sweetness. He was a straight A honors student in philosophy and we are proud of him, even though it was too much for him to bear. I will always love you Jeremy, and I will see you soon enough. I love you more than you could ever know.
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Oh the pain of knowing that I will never hug or talk to or see my 21-year old son Jeremiah ever again in this life! He committed suicide yesterday morning, January 23, 2017 between 1:00-1:30AM MST at the Sunset parking area of A mountain on the NMSU campus where he attended school in Las Cruces, New Mexico. He was working plus going to college, and was starting his last semester before earning his Bachelor's degree in Philosophy. He over thought everything, like I do. He said the stress from everything was too much. He was so close to the degree and was still making A's and was an Honors student. Everyone loved Jeremiah. He wanted to teach. He had that sparkle in his eyes, that life and warm love that everyone felt. What a fantastic man and new husband he was! Oh, how I grieve his passing! He hated being alone at night when his wife was at work... insomnia and thoughts about reality and guilt or whatever else seemed louder, he told me when I saw him 3 months ago. He wrote a note to his wife yesterday morning, in the night. Then he drove to the mountain and shot himself in the head... his head exploded, just like he said it felt like. Oh My God, my sweet and precious son Jeremy! My shining star! I am so sorry that you felt this badly... that the anti-anxiety medication you just started on 3 days before didn't work. Was there a reaction? Or contraindications? You had always talked about stress and anxiety, but never suicide. Never. I'm so sorry. I wish I had known more, paid closer attention. I miss you so much. Never again will I have that chance to help you. I didn't even get to say I love you one last time, but I know you always knew it. I don't know what else to say... I'm so sorry my son. I love you so much.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Sleep attacks... episodes during sleep. This is what was happening to her.
It started on Sept 28th, at 3AM in the night. She kept waking up briefly to fix her pillow, thinking her head was too low and blood was pooling in her head. Finally she woke up, SAT UP straight in bed, and breathed fast, trying to get circulation restored in her body. Her limbs were numb, her body felt like it was aching, ill, dizzy, sick, about to pass out, dying. Her face was even numb, and her skin all over felt like it was covered in plastic wrap. What was happening? Was she dying? Should she call 911? Breathe... just breathe... after 20 minutes it relaxed and her circulation seemed to restore.
A week later it happened again... to a lesser extent, but still scary. Then another week or so later. Within a month she was at the sleep lab, but apnea was not strong enough to warrant a CPAP machine. Then the episodes, even though not as severe, were becoming more frequent. Every few days apart, then every other day... then every night she would wake up with her face numb and dizzy... then several times a night. Meanwhile she went back to the doctor 4 times, requesting tests galore.
They HAD to get to the bottom of this! She tried everything from spiritual prayer and psychics, to naturopathic remedies, a medicine man's special healing tea, herbalism, radical diet change to a low-lectin diet, and she was no zero medications. Allopathic medicine was taking too long. Finally the Gastroenterologist gave her GERD meds, but they didn't help. Sleeping on propped up pillows semi-helped, but even sitting up, ultimately would cause her to wake up 10 minutes to a couple hours after falling asleep, gasping for oxygen and dizzy and numb. Sometimes her eyes went dim, or the lids compressed, as in an eye twitch that got stuck shut. Boatloads of blood tests and complete metabolic profiles (with anemia being the only thing wrong--which was fixed with iron pills--as well as hypotension), and a full thyroid panel, and more was done. An ECG was normal, but the Holter monitor for the heart was put on for 30 days. They ordered an endoscopy, colonoscopy, and EKG next.
By the fourth visit to the doctor, which was 3 months into the scene and still without a diagnosis, he said, "It does not look like apnea, and it does not appear to be your heart, or GERD related, and your neurological test and other tests are all coming out normal. I think you're probably having panic attacks."
So she got an anti-anxiety medication, temporarily, as another 'test' to see if it worked. So far everything she had tried seemed to work at first (including chiropractic care, and sleeping on her stomach), but within a day or so it would revert right back to the same problem of these nighttime episodes.
Stranger things were happening on occasion... she would hear a bump in the house, or a noise, that didn't belong. She was not the only one who heard it, so it wasn't imaginary. She began to wonder if this was a spiritual problem. Something, or someone, trying to tell her something. Aside from a tumor, and the psychic saying it was a constricted blood vessel and that something on the outside was pressing in on it too, she wondered if the whole mess were symbolic rather than literal. Spiritual rather than physical.
She began to pray and tried to journey (shamanism style), and in the upper world saw something shaped like an oyster mushroom, elongate and misshapen, wondering if it were something that could help (immune booster?). In the underworld she saw herself hovering over the top of the edge of a huge fast-flowing waterfall. Water, for her, meant emotions. Falling water could not be good, and it explained her recent realization that she was not only stressed, but had a lot of anxiety about even going to sleep, knowing she would wake up feeling like she was dying. It was getting to her, and she cried a lot, was emotional, even during the day, and not getting a good night's rest, ever. That was the end of her fleeting spiritual journey. Only once did she see an animal helper--an opossum that was standing up... what did it mean? They eat ticks and yet are immune to them, and they eat bugs (bugs are bad spirits in the otherworld). Maybe she needed to read the "Creating a Bug-Free Mind" book. Possums also 'play dead' to protect themselves from predators. To put up a false front... or is it that someone else is being deceptive? Aside from hearing bumps in the house, she also saw a face... a man's face, nondescript, and wondered who it was. Her scalp had been crawling on and off for months, like when someone is "touching" her... usually stealing energy. Who was using her? Who was deceiving her? Who was she needing to protect herself from? Where was the source of her stress, and inner pain, and extreme anxiety if these were panic attacks?
There were only two things that almost always were the main cause of panic attacks (aside from the fact that she once thought she had cervical cancer, and those two attacks were obvious as to their origin, especially since one happened in the doctor's office)... the two things that stressed her out most were 1) finances, and 2) relationships.
In September her significant other had told her she had to pay an additional $1,000 per month on her bills. This imposition was impossible to attain, and she felt so overwhelmed that she thought her only way out was to die and let the life insurance pay off the $47K she owed her family in loans, plus the $50K in business loans, plus the $50K in student loans. She was paying all her bills, but not fast enough for him. He resented her debts, yet he had his own--perhaps he was projecting. She became so distraught that this is when the suicidal thoughts began... and within a couple weeks the first attack during sleep occurred. Her goal became to pay off her parents by December. The closer to December the worse/more frequent the attacks became. Was this the source of the problem? December came and went, and the attacks continued.
Perhaps there are lessons here... about relationships and unreasonable expectations, and about debts that are more than one can handle emotionally. They're all being worked on, a little at a time. The family never asked for the money back, and certainly not within such a tiny time frame. The pressure was from the spouse. It was his issue, placed on her shoulders, and guilt tripped to drive it home.
She sat and thought about the symbolic meaning of the blood vessel, the blood being life... the vessel being the delivery, and constriction of that life flow, with pressure from the outside. "An MRI would show it", meaning a clearer picture of the problem. There are many ways to see such things, not all of them through technology. Spiritual seeing, symbolic meaning. The inner possum was playing dead... causing her to feel like she was dying, but it was not real. The mushroom is for seeing beyond the problem with new eyes and immunizing ones self against such sickness. The waterfall was the precipice, and if she allowed herself, she would fall straight down and the result would not be good. Out of control emotions are not healthy, especially if their direction is straight down in a rush. The possum, a nocturnal animal, was helping her see she did not have to die... she can stop at any time. She can choose life, and eat the mushroom, and avoid the waterfall. She can release the constriction of the blood vessel from within and without, and eliminate the outside pressure her 'tumor' was causing from guilt and demands that are unnecessary.
She now has to redesign her life. She starts with prayer... yoga... reading... CD's... meditation... walking... NLP... research... herbal teas... stress relief... new plans... love... loving the self... finding inner peace... neurofeedback... more spiritual practices like journeying and being closer to God... more often... so the sleep attacks can go away for good... the numbness in the face (not feeling her own true self and what she is supposed to look and feel like)... the numbness in the limbs (not doing things she should be doing)... the dim and pressure on the eyes (not seeing clearly)... the dizziness (not standing firm)... having to sit up to gain composure and circulation (not moving, seizing, stagnancy, feeling trapped, not breathing properly, not moving, sleeping-on-the-job)... gasping for air (feeling suffocated from the pressure and not being able to move)... all of these have meaning, and they all go back to the two main issues of finances and relationship.
The finances can work themselves out over time--all her bills are paid, as they always are. The problem is her relationship and the stresses that it is placing on her unnecessarily, like the force of a gun being pointed at her. It is as if it is a tumor in her soul... a binding that restricts her life... a pressure that comes when she is not paying attention... when she is sleeping. WAKE UP! See the signs, understand them. She must if she wants to live again. Until then, the blood is suffocatingly stagnant.
Friday, January 6, 2017
"What do you love about me?" she asked after lovemaking. Their sex had been both exciting and gentle... aggressive and tender... full of spanks while she was on top. The harmony and balance between the gender societal expectations had been superceded, the stereotypes brought back into harmony by her demands that he "force" her into submission while she remained in full control.
Yet it seemed imbalanced somehow, like it was mutual in its manifestation, yet singular in its meaning.
He was quiet, so she asked again, "What do you love about me?" He responded in gentle, kind, caring words... "that you kiss me... you give me bum-rubs, and back rubs, and cook for me, and treat me so well."
She realized he was dead serious.
He had entirely missed the question. What did he love about HER? Her qualities, her strengths, or even weaknesses,
His answers were not about her, they were about him, what he could receive from her... What she could DO FOR HIM. A user, perceived that the world revolved around him.
One-way love, unidirectional love. A love-sucking parasite... energy vampire.
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
She was reading the book Blink, about how in the blink of an eye people can know things about others. Sometimes it is that easy—to just know something—and sometimes people take the hard road. She realized that she had invested her love into a man without reading the signs… or else the signs had changed, because she couldn’t bring herself to open his birthday card to her.
Just days earlier, on his birthday, she had gotten him a birthday card first, and written a nice blessing inside for him. But his anger over something petty was so fierce that he let his temper rule over any love between them, and he tore her card in half.
She couldn't sleep that night, as he was in the living room and refused to be by her side, even though the argument was trivial. She prayed to God, and asked for Him to show her what was going to happen to their relationship, to their marriage. She prayed for wisdom and insight, and for a sign.
She quietly laid there, getting ready to pray, but first she wanted to make amends with him, to show him she loved him… to do an act of good will towards him, for there is nothing she would not do for him.
So she went and pulled that broken card out of the trash, and noticed it had not been removed from the envelope, so had not yet been read. If only he could see the contents and know how she feel about him! Surely he would soften and find forgiveness and love inside his heart for her. She quietly took the dismembered card to the bathroom and mended it while he slept. She taped the card together front and back, making sure with great care that the torn edges were matched at their raveled seams, and then taped the envelope front and back as well. She gently put the birthday card inside the envelope once again and placed it by the mirror so he would see it, and open it, and read it, and be blessed and know that she adored him.
She went back to bed, and prayed. After praying a special prayer she laid there quietly, listening to the first thing that came to mind. The answer to her prayer and symbol of good will was surely to come. She was sure God would tell her what to expect regarding their marriage and relationship.
She prayed the special prayer no less than 20 times....
Then she laid still, hopeful and wondering, listening…
She immediately heard her husband get up from his bed, walk into the bathroom, and…. he ripped up the card again, unseen. Unread, it was demolished again.
She burst into tears because that card represented her heart, her love for him, and it had been rejected, destroyed. She knew he would do the same thing to their marriage. It was clear. It was done.
In that moment she knew that their marriage would not last, because being angry was more important to him than being forgiving. Being contentious was more important than getting along. Destroying what they had, and the love that was freely given to him was more important than nurturing it and being grateful for what he has, she realized.
The proof, in her mind, that their relationship would end (in eventual divorce) was answered in that prayer, in the very moment of silence immediately after she had prayed it and was listening for God to answer. He did. He did answer it, but through the free will and choice He gives her husband to make the decision about what he wanted or didn't want in his life. She figured he makes that choice every moment of every day, and in every way in how he chose to treat her, his own wife. She should have known in a blink, rather than going to all this trouble to figure it out.
So that is why she never opened his birthday card to her… because he never opened hers. She was not resentful or revengeful enough to tear up his card, nor to even throw it away. It just sat there, unopened. She decided it would remain until he threw it away.
One day he would choose another woman again and rip her heart in two and would leave her for that woman, or for some dream that the grass is greener on the other side, woman or not. He would separate and date others, and divorce her, and maybe remarry or have the children she was unable to give him.
The day he would leave her would be that secondary rip to her card/heart, and the prayer would have come to pass, but he would never see her accept his love again after that. Once he would do this, any love he would give her after that would be refused just as she had refused to open his card.
The day he leaves her would be the last day he was to have access to that love.
She knew it was solely his choice.
It always was.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
I made earth tubes once to cool my house. There's a 10-20 degree F difference between the inside and outside air temperature, inside your house being cooler when you use earthtubes. Of course, my house was a passive solar straw bale house, so it was energy efficient and had a 30 degree temperature difference between inside and outside!
The system is completely passive, which means no moving parts, and so uses no electricity, which means it's FREE (outside the cost of building them). Cost to make them is approximately $150/tube using new materials. You'll want one earth tube per room, or two for bigger ones. You'll need some yard space to dig the trenches to put them into the earth. The tubes are made out of thin-walled PVC.
You can find out more by reading my webpage on it here, plus there is a small PDF (version 1 of my old book) that you can read on my ebooks for free website here:
I also have a new full paperback (version 2) book that is greatly expanded on the topic, which is available through Amazon, for those interested in more details.
I hope you enjoy it and can save the earth and money while also staying more comfortable in your home... a win-win-win!
Sunday, July 3, 2016
What is a Baha'i marriage? I thought I knew, but today, after speaking with our Secretary on the Local Spiritual Assembly, I discovered it was so much more than what I had envisioned!
I am a Baha'i. My husband is a Baha'i. Yet, we did not realize until today that we do not have a "Baha'i marriage" in the technical sense. Oh yes, we are married, and yes, our parents all approved, and we are both Baha'is, but we found out that we can get the consent of our parents in writing and still have yet another ceremony where, specifically, the Baha'i vows are taken.
What this marriage ceremony looks like can vary from culture to culture (ceremonial practices, dress, dance, music, food and drink, prayers and readings, traditions (if any), some modern vows mixed in, etc.). Again, it is the vows and how it occurs that make it a Baha'i marriage.
Baha'i vows are simple... both parties say, "We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God." Two witnesses are present to observe this union that promotes love, devotion, fidelity, and especially obedience to God, together. It is meant to be an everlasting union, between two people, in the highest possible way--in spirit.
The Baha'i faith does not have clergy, but the marriage is made legal and binding under the laws of the land (marriage license, ceremony, witnesses, so that all the religious and civil requirements are met).
Another thing I learned today about the Baha'i marriage is that not all "Baha'i marriages" (as per what is mentioned above) consist of both partners being Baha'is. Some are "mixed" marriages, religion-wise. Also, some people get married legally and then may later (even decades later) get married again to renew vows or to be married officially as a Baha'i marriage. Some start out with a Baha'i marriage. Consent in writing is required by all parents (who are still alive), even when the couple may have already been married, although since they are already married this is usually a simple step.
So there it is. Baha'i marriages are very simple to perform, but the consent of the parents in the family is meant to bring families closer together, and so there is full understanding and no contention between family members as the couple moves forward in the marriage. It is to promote harmony and love and support, rather than dissension.
Baha'i marriages are meant and designed to last.
I would love to have a Baha'i marriage...