Saturday, May 28, 2016
It's never going to be the same, is it?
Your distance, because I let loose on you with harsh words that hurt, are obvious.
It is the same for me, accumulated over time. Years of blame, threats, and abandoning me and pushing me away finally sunk in.
I broke. Cracked by a small trigger. Something as insignificant as a question mark after the word sex. Didn't you know if you wanted to? Perhaps not... maybe it was yet another attempt to show me that I am not your priority or desire.
Maybe it was miscommunication.
Maybe it was my insecurities.
Maybe it was coming no matter the trigger.
My desire for you was always inescapable for me. Except this one time.
Like a dam holding back all the inner conflicts and negative thoughts, then bursting forth from my soul's cavities, spilling out their mycelial contents from the secret places never before seen, deep in the earth of my heart. As if having tentacles with a life of their own. Communicating things your ears could never hear.
The brash and biting sting of the Scorpio rising, the flooding emotions of the Pisces moon, the lost desires of the Cancer sun, culminating in one fell swoop, articulating it's judgments against your weaknesses. Weaknesses made obvious and glaring. Putting you down as I have been put down. Demeaned and controlled the way I was.
Pure retaliation, the defensive stance of a broken heart, which had given up and given in just a few weeks before. When skipping going to national meant I'd been duped by your threats to leave me... yet again.
I finally agreed and said you could leave, but that I was not leaving. But by then I actually wanted to. Now I would give you a reason to. You would see truth, from my eyes. Deep, hurtful and hateful words that you deserved. Words so true they are physically painful.
Oh yes, you deserved it... so many times. But I had held back too long, thinking it was over when it wasn't. Being told you wanted to work on our marriage when you didn't.
I broke. It was my heart split in two, bleeding out and drowning. The knife of your intentions scraping out every last bit of love and martyrdom that my soul could muster.
I hurt you back. You needed it, because I said so. Because it felt good to show you what it felt like.
This inclination is normally kept in check. Except that one time.
This time. When I let loose on you, out of the blue, as you had to me so many times. Treating me like a child, as your mother treats you. Like mother, like son. Like husband.
Blame me for it, as always. Threaten to not pick me up when I return. Abandon me again, will you?
This time it was on purpose. I meant every word.
Has it driven a wedge between us?
Your actions, especially the last year, were the wedge. My response became the hammer driving it in deeper... deeper... so deep that it would leave my heart and enter yours.
I will give in to dissolve this marriage as you have dissolved my love. I no longer have reason to keep trying.
My loyalty gave up.
My trust obliterated, gone.
My love diminished like a puddle drying up in the hot Texas desert, with deep mud cracks replacing desire.
My solid hope turned into a thin veil of haze, dissipating like fog burning off in the sun at noonday.
There is nothing left of me for you. I lie, but it sounds good when it hurts beyond the pain threshold.
But know this... by the time I broke, it was already too late anyway.
All that is left is a glimmer of a dream on the horizon, a weak call of a distant bird making its nest. Butterflies and moths and dragonflies fluttering about, being guides for the tipi-like structure of my soul, and as friends that pollenate the flowers of my perennial food forest. This is to be my life now. All these networks replacing the void you created and left behind.
It's not that my loyalty ever changed, or that my love faded. It's that it was used and abused so that it was ruined, like vinegar poured into milk, making it curdle. A very real chemical change.
What was once fresh was now made sour and lumpy.
So off to new recipes where sourdough is needed, and outcast weeds like me become a boon of nourishment, and recycled and natural resources abound. Where people help people, and shared vision becomes a reality. Where my person is more important than a slammed car door.
You are not in that scene, except as an aside. A friend at most, with only a few benefits if played well.
But never, never ever will I marry another again. Because I promised you would be my last, and I alone cannot make that happen. My efforts have now waned.
I am ruined for that life, which I must leave behind. Not by my choice, but by yours. I merely responded so as to give you the opportunity to be happy... without me. Because as you said, you hate me.
Change is never easy. Now you have been given a reason. Now you can go, because the thread I was holding together has broken.
This is your moment. The one you've been waiting and yearning for.
You didn't want the romance or love, or a lifetime partner. Why the fuck did you ask me to marry you and ruin my life? My hopes, my dreams? Did you not see you were in them? I wasn't in yours, evidently.
You want to be single, so you can date other women and be with more than one at once. As if your fantasies are greater than the reality of a loving and devoted wife.
You me away for the last time. I've stepped into the garbage can and saved you a step.
So be it.
Monday, May 9, 2016
I am so torn... torn between staying and leaving.
I want to stay, because I love him, tremendously. Deeply.
I want to leave because the feeling is not mutual. There is a lack of equality, respect, support, and love.
I am hurting, but if I say so, I am whining and negative.
I made a vow never to leave him, yet he pushes me away and asks me to leave. He doesn't leave, he says, because he pays the rent and is on the lease.
What happens when I am the leaseholder?
When I call the shots.
Will he go then? I know he loves me. Every time there's a battle, once it is over he snuggles and holds me close. I know he wants to stay, and wants me with him. It shows in so many ways.
Yet he pushes me away, when those moods hit.
I want to stay, but am torn...
I want to leave, but am torn...
I promised him and myself I would never give up on him. If I do I fail.
This is my dilemma... the rules I have set for myself.
Anyone can go through anything and come out shining, if we so choose.
That is the strength I pull from, the excuse I make to keep going when it might be wiser to let go.
This is the difficult decision... to break my vow and leave.
This is tearing me apart.
So maybe it is just easiest to make up the lack...
Support myself, love myself, respect and love him.
If he chooses to leave, then I am off the hook.
Don't rely on him, do not be dependent on him, do not suffer his whims against me.
Be my own person, happy with or without him.
Let him go emotionally before he even leaves.
Yet stay, and not leave physically.
Is this still leaving? Is this abandonment? Is this breaking my vow in a different way?
So many questions... so many complicated answers...
It should be easier than this.
Detach, detach, detach...
I am so torn...
People who put down others for their race, how they drive or work or do things, pick on their genetic background, or their belongings that are associated with a certain nation (such as a flag), are prejudiced. Flat out. I have no interest in being near prejudiced people. I will choose friends from all walks of life any day before I will choose to hang with a monochromatic bigot.
We are all one race, the human race, and our differences in language or accent or nationality are differences to be celebrated. Unity in diversity! We should love one another... even those who openly (or secretly) hate others... that is the challenge now, isn't it.
I realized something important about respecting women tonight. I was with friends this evening, riding in the backseat of their car, and witnessed this (I will not name names)... a huge firetruck with lights flashing and sirens sounding was heading our direction in the opposite lane (separated by a median). The driver (a male) of the car we were riding in was evidently watching the firetruck, but didn't realize the vehicle in front of us had stopped completely. My friend in the front passenger seat (a lady) saw that we were barreling forward toward the back of the SUV and were about to slam into it, so she yelled, "Watch it! Watch it!" and her boyfriend (the driver) hit the brakes so hard the wheels screeched, and the car turned somewhat sideways as we veered into the next lane over.
He freaked out, screaming at her that she scared him by yelling out like that. She said we were going to have an accident because he wasn't paying attention. He said he would rather have an accident than to hear her “backseat driving,” and that he hated when people yell out like that because it scared him. He then said, "I should have slammed into them so that it hit on your side." I couldn't believe my ears... she just saved his car from being in an accident by alerting him to the stopped SUV in front of us, and he was blaming her for doing so, and claiming he wished to hurt her instead of being informed by her yelling out the warning. Seriously?!
Does this man (who cares so much about his car that he doesn't ever want anyone to slam the doors) really want to hurt his girlfriend and put her life in danger? If he cares about the car so much, but not as much as he wishes to see her harmed, then what does that say about their relationship and his respect and love for her? I think that it shows there is none. That a person would put his ego of not being ‘backseat driven’ above the care and safety of another is ludicrous to me. Shameful. Alarming. Disgusting. Infantile.
I witnessed this same guy later act huffy around his own mother (on Mother’s Day, mind you), and his brother (whom we went to meet) yelled at their mom, “All you did was yap all evening and it pissed me off.” It was Mother’s Day--she was happy and may have talked a lot because of that (I was glad she was happy so didn’t mind). This guy yelled at her like this on a special day, and I’m betting he has done it on lots of other occasions too, same as the first brother (the one from the car). I witnessed in that family this evening an utmost disrespect for their mother and girlfriend, and I lost all respect for them because of it. It was truly a disgusting scene. Such contempt for women because there is no respect for their mother. Bad relationships tend to reproduce themselves. I am so glad I have such a great relationship with my parents!
It flows over ladies and gentlemen, into time and other people... I feel sorry for my friend (the lady) if she stays as the girlfriend to any man in that family... because however a man treats his mother is how he will treat his girlfriend and especially his future wife. Pay attention! Don’t ever be with men like this ladies... it will be a lifetime battle of wills with their egos. There is no love in this kind of behavior. You will always be blamed and made into the ‘bad guy’ and never will do anything right in their eyes. You will never be considered an equal, nor will you be loved as you deserve.
Just saying. I witnessed it this evening... it could be anyone... it could be you... it could even be me.
Monday, April 25, 2016
Why have I been married so many times?
Because I love having a partner, enjoy commitment, monogamy, knowing someone is there, and serving them, loving them, supporting them, the sex and interplay and dynamics of the relationship. Love having a friend who is so much more, who is capable of connection and deep conversations about spiritual and scientific things. I am love with the concept of love.
Interestingly, one of my ex's actually told me that about myself, in total contempt and disdain, that I am love with love. Of course, there was contempt for women in general in that relationship--his mother, and the fact that he was gay. Hence, that relationship ended. I left him.
So why have I been divorced so many times?
It is simple really. My version of love is deeper and has higher expectations than most men can accomplish. It involves respect and self-control, as well as doing right by others (including the children and me). None of these men were able to live up to that. I pick losers, hence I am the biggest loser of all.
The first guy was a marriage on paper... I was 15 and pregnant and he was 21 and an alcoholic. What did I know? I never wanted to marry him and I broke up with him because I didn't want him negatively influencing my child. But we got married on paper (never lived with him) for a few months and then divorced so it would 'look right' to society. I simply never counted that as a marriage.
Then there was #2, and I almost broke up with him at age 17 because he lost his temper over my son, who was a mere baby. I should have never married him but I wanted out of my parents' house and not to burden them anymore. We actually did okay for a while, but his mental illness (bi-polar and schizoeffective--he heard voices) were undiagnosed and untreated. His temper was outrageous. He hurt my son enough, so our fights were loud and often. That is not how people should live. I left and our divorce was final by the 5 year mark. We never had kids, thank God.
#3 was the one I mentioned earlier (the gay one)... this lasted 10 years, and we had two more children together. We did okay except for the fact that he was only capable of loving a woman so far, and I was not good enough for him, let alone the right gender. Although his sexual orientation affected our marriage, it was over finances, in the end, which brought about our demise. I could no longer do it on my own, without his participation. I gave an ultimatum (these are dangerous for me) and he chose, so I filed for divorce and kept the three kids with me. We are still friends, to a point, at least when it comes to the kids.
Then came #4 and he was much older than me, but a Godsend (already trained, previously married and had raised kids). I had a dream that he would meet me and be the "lover side of God" to me--a true husband. He was. He also was a drunk, which put a serious damper in our relationship, but it was his issue. However, when #2 (who lived next door) molested my daughter, and my husband also got blamed for it (and convicted), my life fell apart. I had a nervous breakdown. My husband got 10 yrs in prison while the one who confessed took a plea bargain with no prison time. I moved away to start a new life. I filed for divorce 2 1/2 yrs later and the whole experience broke me. No kids between us. Because of the stigma I knew I could never be with him again. I healed but it took years. When I was finally ready to date again I was still going through the divorce (I purposefully took my time so I would not rush in too soon).
I met #5 and he was adorable and sweet, but although he had love for me, he also was a lifetime bachelor and had no idea about long-term relationships or living with anyone, or what commitment really meant. There were a few strange things, but I didn't really figure out that there was an imbalance (chemical? thyroid? just passive-aggressive?) until after we were married, nor did I see any serious acting out until after we got married. He's just prefers being single. He cares about me, but not enough.
Why did he even marry me? I wanted this to be the LAST time I ever got married. Ever. He knew that. He just made a mistake, is all, says he.
My heart is broken.
I just really wanted to grow old with someone.
I guess that's it then. There seems to be a serious lack of commitment, and it's not on my part. I know when I'm beating a dead horse. This one was his choice, not mine.
I am not leaving... he has already left me in his heart. It's done. It's just a matter of time now... the countdown begins.
I'm simply giving in, giving up. You cannot make someone love you--I learned that mistake with #3.
I'm 45 and have potentially lived only half of my life.
I will never marry again.
I will get over it, like I always do. I am preparing, moving on, will start over, and will focus on getting out of debt, building my life and home and work, writing my books, and making a difference for others.
That is all I have to say about that.
Marriage is a living, breathing thing. Like everything in nature it has its own attributes. It is an entity all on its own. It has life, ups and downs, and cycles. Sometimes it reaches the end of cycle, sometimes it is renewed, sometimes not.
Marriage is not a piece of paper, it's in the heart... however, once the other person is no longer in your heart, because it is too filled up with yourself, or other people or things, ideals or wishes beyond what you think the relationship can bring, it dies. Rarely do marriages die of natural causes--they are usually induced by one or both parties. Just as it takes two to make a marriage work, however, it takes two to end it. So, in this way, the death of a marriage can take on different forms.
Marriages that are dying can be like the ebb and flow of the tide (moving in waves, in and out until it finally goes out and stays out), or a calm sunny day (where everything is mutual and all parties agree and are happy with the outcome), or it can take on the attributes of a storm (where nothing is mutual and destruction is left behind in its wake).
A lack of mutual respect, love, desires, patience, tolerance, and commitment, will take on the attributes of a storm. In some cases, a hurricane. Mutual is the key word. When a marriage is mutual, the marriage moves in the same direction like the wind moving up a mountain. However, when one party wants to go another direction, the air currents go different ways, and it swirls around where they meet.
A recurring theme (of what lies in your heart) in a marriage, is cycled over and over, and spirals upon itself... negative thoughts will feed upon themselves... closing in, until it intensifies like a hurricane. Well-formed strong storms have an eye at the center, and at its edge is the eye wall, which is where the storm's edge is at its greatest intensity. Sometimes the battering rain of your tears and the mighty winds of change allow you to pass through this, into the eye of the storm.
In the eye the winds stop, you can see clearly, and despite the storm around it, there is peace in this spot. It is an eerie peace... for even though the wind is not present, yet you can hear it all around, and the air pressure is very low. Sound does not move through this space as it normally would, and the sea is still tossing to and fro. If you were on a boat in the eye of a hurricane (cyclone) you would experience surging and yawing, pitching and rolling on the sea's surface, even though the wind has fled. The peace is temporary. That is, unless you move with it.
One can follow this eye as the storm moves, to keep some peace within, but one needs to take flight or the waves might still turn you over. You can fly up and out of this storm and avoid all of the turmoils associated with it, although chances are, you will need to follow it as the storm moves, until it runs its course and finally fizzles out and ends.
The storm will have gone, and the environment will look better then... sunny and bright... although fraught with destruction all around, which the storm has caused.
Pick up the pieces, and build a new life. It is all you can do.
Friday, April 22, 2016
I heard someone (a man) recently call a woman (a lady I know) a "wallflower", which had a negative connotation. Perhaps you know a person like this so-called wallflower... or maybe you are one? Do you know what a wallflower means? I overheard these two talking, but what I thought it meant was not actually what it means.
What did I think it meant?
Basically, a person who has no personality, who sits there and is boring. A character flaw. A negative thing to be. Something that needs to be fixed because it is inferior.
I wondered if the lady was actually a boring person, or who was so ignorant or unintelligent or "didn't entertain" that guy enough (so I heard him say) that he would call her that?
I figured this guy must really be desperate for quality company. She must be an idiot in his mind. In fact, he bitched to her about how soft-spoken she is, wimpy even. He blamed her for being passive, in effect. She was nothing to him.
I figured a wallflower must be deaf and dumb, like an image of a flower on the wall or on wallpaper, that just sits there looking pretty but hears nothing, says nothing, has no pretty smell (as a real flower would), and goes nowhere because it has no actual life to it. Just a 2D picture... flat and unappealing. A boring image to look at or be near. Dead. At least, dead to him.
I had heard the term wallflower used a number of times in my life, and figured I knew what it meant. I didn't... at least not from the perspective of the actual definition.
So it struck me a couple days later... what exactly *is* the definition of a wallflower anyway?
I googled the definition of a wallflower: "a person who has no one to dance with or who feels shy, awkward, or excluded at a party."
Oh dear God, boy did I have it wrong!
According to this, a wallflower is not boring, but shy. Someone self-conscious... sensitive. Perhaps an introvert who prefers to sit away from the party-happy people who jump around and make a lot of noise and drink more than they can handle. Not just that, but there's potential in this person, this wallflower...
Here is the important part. The distinction I must point out...
Just because they have no one to dance with does not mean they are not worth dancing with!
Just because they have no one to dance with does not mean they are not a good dancer!
A wallflower is someone who is judged by another as something unworthy, but until they are asked or given the opportunity to show they are a living flower--full of grace and beauty in their own way, who gives off a sweet fragrance when they bloom--then they simply are living as 'potential energy' rather than non-energy.
Non-energy is boring because it sits there for no reason outside of itself. Potential energy simply has not yet been released.
Even if the person is not a good dancer, it does not mean that is there best skill or talent. There are many ways to find out how they "dance" in life, and it may be different than you expect.
So to me, now, the wallflowers of life do not necessarily mean that someone is boring or unworthy--it means they haven't been given the opportunity to grow and flourish. They have not been nurtured properly.
Flowers are plants, and plants need watering, and just the right conditions of temperature and sunlight and nourishment from the earth, and perhaps mulching to protect them and build up the soil for optimum growth so they can bloom.
So now I do not see that man as being superior over the wallflower woman that he blamed and put down.
I see the man as being inept and a hypocrite because he did not ask her to dance.
I see the man as being mean because he ignored her and did not look at her heart.
I see the man as misjudging her, not giving her a chance.
I see the man as not providing her with the environment she needs to grow and bloom.
I see the man as the problem, not the solution.
I see the man as an enabler of his own version of what he thinks a wallflower is, so he can use it against her.
I see the man as not being a true nurturer, but selfish and demanding, wanting attention, and needing to be "entertained".
I see the man as being weak because he is a user, not a giver. His energy is unidirectional--towards himself.
I see the man as an energy vampire, sucking peoples' energy but not giving any back.
I see the man as someone not worth dancing with.
Good for her, the wallflower, if she sits on the sidelines all forlorn, for the man who doesn't ask her to dance is not worth dancing with.
Better to be alone for a couple hours than to feel alone for the next 2 years (or more) by getting into a relationship with a man who would never nurture her needs and allow her to bloom, so that she feels alone even when she is with him.
I respect the wallflower now, where before I didn't.
Too bad for the man who ignored the wallflower and missed out on her actual inner beauty. She will serve others well when the environment for growth is right, whereas he will miss the real dance of his life.
I would rather be a wallflower, too, than to be with a man like that.. the man who called her a wallflower as if it were a bad thing. Being a wallflower is a temporary circumstance, not her entire life.
She is "only a wallflower" to him because he ignores her, causes her to walk on eggshells because she knows she will get demeaned again if she argues.
Wallflowers are still flowers, and they are beautiful--if seen through eyes that can behold their beauty. Spiritual eyes, eyes with potential, eyes that have vision, eyes that know how to nurture and protect and create a healthy environment for growth.
Be a wallflower ladies... and do this:
IF YOU PREFER TO WAIT FOR THE RIGHT PERSON TO ASK YOU TO DANCE:
Wait for the right guy who actually asks you to dance, if you like. Just because you don't feel like getting up and dancing alone does not make you a bad or boring person, nor does it mean you should stand up prematurely and dance with an idiot who does not appreciate or want you... for he does not know who you are at all. He may misjudge and lack the ability to see your true potential, let alone bring you into abundance. Wait for the one who chooses you for you, who will see your potential and positive attributes and who supports your growth.
IF YOU DO NOT LIKE TO DANCE, OR DO NOT WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE:
Sit alone happy... or you can always leave the party. There are more people in the world than who attend that one party, or any "party" for that matter. Do something you like, and go places you prefer to be. Do not make the mistake of dancing with someone who does not appreciate you, or investing in a person who does not invest in you. Invest in yourself, nurture yourself, know what you like and what you don't, know what makes you grow and live and bloom. DO those things that make you smile and feel alive! Do not wait on some guy who may never come. Do not rely on a guy who dances with you one day and refuses the next, wishy-washy, back and forth, for he is unreliable. Rely on yourself. Be your own strength, and love yourself. If you are this kind of wallflower, then there is no need to wait on someone to make you feel you are worth something, because you already know you are.
So how do you nurture a wallflower?
Simply take time to invest in a person to find their values and strengths and appreciate who they are for their own sake (not yours).
If you, yourself, are a wallflower, then simply nurture and love yourself, as you are. :)
Written for the lady I know--the wallflower... and all the other misunderstood wallflowers in life.