Friday, February 27, 2015


I know something.
Something that happened today.
By June I will be able to tell people if I was right.
Waiting sucks, doesn't it.

Monday, February 16, 2015


No baby...
As good as barren, when again no baby?
When pregnancy arrives, but blighted ovum erupts in red waterfalls.
Tissues of life, containing nobody.
Hope and happiness, birthing emptiness two minutes apart.
Reaching down below, deep into the heart of the womb,
below the exit where all comes to light,
Rivers of blood shed out from the depths.
No baby.
Then anger, and grief, and fighting between,
like a symbol of the death of something that never was,
the reality hit...
it kicked in the windshield that held it captive
behind the hands that held it in place,
packed behind shadowed allusions,
and painted words dark and gruesome,
unforgiving, and hard.
No baby, no sanity, no chances.
So the slap of life was never to ring true,
and the abuse of the words 'no baby' would be to worsen
over time
possibly forever... because of everything.
Even a list of 15 sorries could never fix this.
No guilt or shame, just no baby.
"I only did it for you"
lies hiding the pain.
Just no baby came,
and no baby will ever arrive.
What was a hope and a wish for over a year,
has died,
with the baby,
the baby that never was...
the little one who would never be held,
and never will breathe or say I love you,
without a change of heart,
a new heart, and mind, and body.
No baby then, no baby now.
As for the future... the only baby
that could be real, will be what business,
a substitute,
or nothing at all.
No baby will ever know that it never existed...
and may never become real again.
No baby will ever feel it's parents' arms,
or to learn and grow and play.
No baby was.
No baby is.
It is deemed so, therefore...
No baby ever.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015


I am watching as a dear friend of mine goes through relationship problems. Her husband is mentally ill and continually goes through cycles of being a wonderful husband, but then everything turns sour. Up and down, up and down. She is sure it is his brain and body chemistry all out of whack. But she asked, "What do I do when he doesn't want me around, calls me names, demeans me, tries to control me, treats me like I am a child, is unforgiving, unrealistic, illogical, unbending, argumentative, relentless, goes off the deep end with exaggerated threats (like kicking her out or even divorce), and is generally not nice?"

She says it doesn't happen often, but lately it has been happening more. He admitted to her that he does not know how to be a husband and that it's all new for him, yet his desire to be alone--like the bachelor he was for almost all of his life--is too strong. "It is the easier way than to actually take responsibility," she insists, "and he's setting up our whole relationship for failure. Every time he mentions divorce it is because of his own issues, not mine."

She came to me, emotionally distraught, but I told her... GIVE IT OVER TO THE GREATER WILL.

This can mean different things to different people. For some it might mean that he has a greater will than she does. In some things, her will might be greater. For instance, regarding his will... his desire is for his happiness and to not be accountable to anyone, and if that means being alone then she may need to make arrangements to move out, if he tell her to leave. Or it could mean her will in some things are greater, such as not accepting his low opinions of her. She could just simply learn to ignore them, figuring he is just having outbursts when his mental issues are on the rise; and although she would choose to love him anyway, she might prefer to walk away until those tough moments pass.

Still yet there is an even better way to give it over to the greater will. It doesn't just mean allowing yourself, in your unbending decisions, to stand up to someone (not fight, necessarily), or to let them have their way (but conceding might keep the peace, or allow him to realize he is making a mistake)... but it can mean giving up our own desires and disappointments to a greater power. Whether this is God, or the gods, or the universe, or nature, or whatever it is that works for you, you can choose to find peace by letting go.

Since I told her this she made a list of all the things he didn't like and she started crossing them off one by one, doing what he wanted, or being ready to go at a moment's notice (if he kicks her out, for instance), while still standing strong on her convictions of not accepting his belittling comments, or refusing to divorce him (although if he chooses he can try). This list she made has given her a sense of having control of her own life back... whether that choice is to let go, give in, or stand strong, depending. She is prepared no matter how it turns out.

In this giving in to the greater will, including her greater power, through prayer and an earnest heart, she has found a sense of inner peace. Even if she is not happy with something, she can fall back on her inner peace.

Saturday, August 23, 2014


In the gardens of life
the weeds of old habits do grow
choking, choking, choking out
the tender growth of true value

Yet, behold, the weeds
can be choked out as well
by nurturing the beauty of life
and nipping the weeds in the bud

Choke out the weeds
before they get out of hand
or grow to thick proportions
stalks and stems woody
dropping their seed into the earth
growing wildly from year to year
unkempt, untamed, undisciplined

Choke out the weeds
cut them off early
to allow the beauty of real pleasures
and a life fantastic with abundance
to flourish and fruit

Behold, the weeds
can be choked out by way
of right choices
of listening
of paying attention
of learning
of respecting others
of obeying authority
of following the rules
of asking and not taking
of not acting out of selfishness
of being humble
of shutting your mouth
of watching
of making new habits
of creating
of manifesting
of making a new life
of being on the spiritual path
new growth
new everything

Yes, it hurts to choke out old weeds
Yes, it is worth the bounty reaped to do so
Yes, yes, yes...

Choke away, for I shall live abundantly!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014


The first year, nary a harsh word, all things smooth, and and perfect... Too perfect. Finally the arguments, and later finding how to fight right. What to do, what not to do, how to judge and when to stop. Expectations of taking it all, and loving through to forever. Now it is interesting, with 94% going without a bump, and the 6% being extreme. I like these imperfections... These perfect flaws that I cherish. How your character comes through, and your heart's desire shines forth. How your darkest side cracks open all preconceptions, and guts spill out in an array sprayed like spatter in a crime scene. There are subtleties too... How jealousy was never a part of this relationship, yet you hoard my attention, and adore my adoration of you. You want what you want, and get it too! I comply, happy to make you happy; pleased to please you. Thrilled that you are selfish of our time together, and that you are excited about our plans. Your selfishness over me is a perfect imperfection. I am so glad our love and expectations together are mutual... Thank you love, for being the true blue you.

Friday, April 11, 2014


Lorena sat atop the cliff's edge looking out across the canyon before her. She saw the stream at the bottom, which was a disappearing stream that dove gently under the rocks and soil, eventually hidden from sight underground. Lorena knew that somewhere else, perhaps miles away, that stream might surface yet again, and it got her thinking about her love, Keith.

Keith was standing behind the boulder that she was next to, whittling away at a broken branch with his pocket knife, forming the wood into something worthwhile, based on its natural shape. Keith had a knack for creating things, and Lorena looked at him with admiration for his gifts.

She sat up straight, realizing that he had a kind of power over her... The kind that made her fall in love, even through the tough times. Just last week she and Keith had a huge fight that nearly broke them apart, yet in the end it brought them even closer together. She realized it was his rarely-seen bossy side that drove her crazy, yet she secretly liked it all the same. It made her respect him, and that he was not a pushover, or wimpy. She liked strong men.

Power plays. Everything in life is a struggle of power, or a dance, depending on how you look at it. It happens between everyone, everywhere. Nothing and no one is exempt. Even the atoms in the universe are bound to these laws, with fantastic gravitational pulls of the stronger black holes sucking in entire stars and planets, which are smaller, weaker. When two people meet, whether they be a child and a dog, or a boss and employee, or a man and woman who are dating or married, similar power statuses are set up, sometimes on par, and sometimes mixed, and sometimes extremely different.

For Lorena and Keith, they were mostly on par, although each had different power areas, personally speaking. Lorena's strengths were in running projects, and Keith's strengths were in overseeing Lorena.

Lorena spoke up, "Keith, do you think that some people are more powerful than others, like naturally?" "I suppose so, since all people are equal, yet not the same. Some are stronger in some things but not in others, or some are more physically powerful while others are weaker."

Lorena considered this. She scooted closer to the cliff's edge and pondered it silently for a while, mindlessly tossing tiny pebbles into the chasm below where her feet dangled. 'Deep waters,' she thought...

Lorena finally spoke up, "I really like that under your smooth passive surface lies a deep river, and underlying current of passion, even anger, as if it were flowing magma that escapes like a volcano erupting occasionally. It lets me know you are real, and not faking it, and that you care. Same goes for you trying to control things I do or don't do. As hard as that is to let myself be controlled at times, I am unbelievably grateful that you care that passionately and want me to listen to you in the little things. That is important to me, did you know that honey? I NEED that in the depths and hidden recesses of my very soul... I do so love you Keith!"

Keith looked up, "Wow, my sweetest sounds like a poet at this moment. Yes love, we are both like that, with vast amounts of personality within us."

"True," Lorena added, "we have both been described as multifaceted in our personalities. Rarely do I let people see my deepest parts, for only God has seen it. When I admitted to you last time we fought, that I cried and sobbed and felt as I do, that was me allowing you to see a window-peek at just how deeply you have affected my soul. There is none who is as powerful as you for me, for you have a way and a touch that both guides and keeps me in line like no other before. You are the love of my life! Truly. The bonus is that I am highly sexually attracted to you, and powerless against your sexy body taking me in however you wish." She was dead serious, even though she had brought a psychological principle straight down into the gutter.

Keith's face grimaced. "I'm sorry honey, but I just don't feel that way."

Lorena's heart sank. "You don't feel what way towards me?"

"Powerless towards my body taking you. It is a God given trait." He set his knife and his half-whittled wood piece down on a log, and then stepped lightly towards Lorena, placing his hand on her shoulder.

He reworded it, "You can't be powerless of me taking you; it is a God given trait." He hoped it would be clearer this time.

Lorena realized he not only saw her as a powerful being, but also himself, yet he was not willing to abuse that power.

Lorena spoke up, "Keith, you see, it's like this... " She choked up momentarily before continuing, "I somehow need to feel powerless, see? I need to submit to you, so badly. It has been so hard for me, fighting for my independence and personal freedom my entire life, but because you expect me to listen to you without demanding it, I must. It is a seeming contradiction, a conundrum, yet true in my most hidden places of my soul, which yearns and cries out for acceptance and the need to be needed, and not rejected. I can't explain it... Putting this secret into the light does not appear the same as it does in the firelight within the cavern of my being."

He was trying to grasp what she was saying. "I just don't understand how you can be powerless against me. I don't wish to have or exert that kind of power over you."

Realizing that he was as turned on by her power over him as she was of his power over her, she chimed in, "I do have power honey, just as you do, but I have traditionally used it over others rather than myself. The latter is the greatest challenge of all. It is not that I am powerless, but that I put myself aside to honor you and not usurp you, yielding my power up to you, submitting as if powerless. I still have power, but the choice is to use my power over MYSELF to do as you wish. Then you have power over me by default. That said, I would only do so when I know I can trust you to take care of me and not hurt me."

She felt her voice getting shaky, but continued. "I want to love you so fully that I could put my ego aside and fully trust, because honestly I don't trust most people, and they are not worthy of it. I just gave you a huge compliment and honored you, and you missed it. But am glad you got it now." Lorena sighed.

Keith leaned forward and kissed the crown of Lorena's dark curly hair. "Alright, that makes much more sense to me. Thank you sweetheart."

Feeling like it needed to be extruded further, even though he was satisfied, she continued, "Submitting, for me, takes far more strength and power than to fight, in my humble opinion. That desire is why I get so turned on, because it is ethically and spiritually the RIGHT thing to do, to honor and listen to God--or the universe, whatever you want to call it--and why I MUST submit myself to you, as I would to any greater Power. It is as a physical expression... a symbol of that trust and love. It is my soul's purpose, even if it means some form of my own destruction; but then am I freed."

Lorena didn't know if she had explained it properly, but Keith followed up with, "Thank you very much for sharing this with me, my love." He understood.

The bottom line was that her haughty attitude had only brought her misery in her life, and now she was ready for the next step. "Thank you sweetie. That is why I have to trust you and be willing to obey any particular commands you might give me, even if it hurts me, because the higher ideal and goal is only attainable if I render myself powerless, by choice. I do have to shut up and take it. I do have to lay back and accept it. I do have to listen to you, no exceptions. I have not accomplished that even once in my life, and my contentious attitude has been my downfall every time. No more... Just no more. In my heart of hearts I just want to belong. I have to practice love, forgiveness, and full acceptance, even if I am facing pain and punishment. Even if I don't feel safe. It is the hardest thing, yet it has to be done. That is all."

Keith was deeply moved by her honesty and bluntness, even if he did not wish for her to act like some sort of servant girl in their relationship. He appreciated her devotion, and was humbled by it. "Thank you for being a blessing in my life, Lorena!"

Lorena smiled and finally turned towards him, noticing a tear in his eye. "And I hope you love me this much to listen to me too, at the times when it is right."

"Yes dear." He already was.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


About a week or so ago I had a dream. I dreamt that my own sweet man was holding a large glass measuring cup above my head, attempting to pour boiling hot water on my head that was inside it. I tried to get away and he chased me, round and round in a small circle. Finally I got away but was so stressed and shocked that I dropped to the ground bawling my eyes out, weeping uncontrollably, while crying out, "Why would you want to hurt me?!" over and over. Tonight the dream came true. I am in hot water, and have cried until I no longer had breath. I am at a complete loss as to what is happening, or why. These dreams elude me until they happen, and then they make sense. It is a terrible lot in life to know something is coming and not know what or how to change it.