Monday, April 25, 2016

WHY I HAVE MARRIED AND DIVORCED SO MANY TIMES


Why have I been married so many times?

Because I love having a partner, enjoy commitment, monogamy, knowing someone is there, and serving them, loving them, supporting them, the sex and interplay and dynamics of the relationship. Love having a friend who is so much more, who is capable of connection and deep conversations about spiritual and scientific things. I am love with the concept of love.

Interestingly, one of my ex's actually told me that about myself, in total contempt and disdain, that I am love with love. Of course, there was contempt for women in general in that relationship--his mother, and the fact that he was gay. Hence, that relationship ended. I left him.

So why have I been divorced so many times?

It is simple really. My version of love is deeper and has higher expectations than most men can accomplish. It involves respect and self-control, as well as doing right by others (including the children and me). None of these men were able to live up to that. I pick losers, hence I am the biggest loser of all.

The first guy was a marriage on paper... I was 15 and pregnant and he was 21 and an alcoholic. What did I know? I never wanted to marry him and I broke up with him because I didn't want him negatively influencing my child. But we got married on paper (never lived with him) for a few months and then divorced so it would 'look right' to society. I simply never counted that as a marriage.

Then there was #2, and I almost broke up with him at age 17 because he lost his temper over my son, who was a mere baby. I should have never married him but I wanted out of my parents' house and not to burden them anymore. We actually did okay for a while, but his mental illness (bi-polar and schizoeffective--he heard voices) were undiagnosed and untreated. His temper was outrageous. He hurt my son enough, so our fights were loud and often. That is not how people should live. I left and our divorce was final by the 5 year mark. We never had kids, thank God.

#3 was the one I mentioned earlier (the gay one)... this lasted 10 years, and we had two more children together. We did okay except for the fact that he was only capable of loving a woman so far, and I was not good enough for him, let alone the right gender. Although his sexual orientation affected our marriage, it was over finances, in the end, which brought about our demise. I could no longer do it on my own, without his participation. I gave an ultimatum (these are dangerous for me) and he chose, so I filed for divorce and kept the three kids with me. We are still friends, to a point, at least when it comes to the kids.

Then came #4 and he was much older than me, but a Godsend (already trained, previously married and had raised kids). I had a dream that he would meet me and be the "lover side of God" to me--a true husband. He was. He also was a drunk, which put a serious damper in our relationship, but it was his issue. However, when #2 (who lived next door) molested my daughter, and my husband also got blamed for it (and convicted), my life fell apart. I had a nervous breakdown. My husband got 10 yrs in prison while the one who confessed took a plea bargain with no prison time. I moved away to start a new life. I filed for divorce 2 1/2 yrs later and the whole experience broke me. No kids between us. Because of the stigma I knew I could never be with him again. I healed but it took years. When I was finally ready to date again I was still going through the divorce (I purposefully took my time so I would not rush in too soon).

I met #5 and he was adorable and sweet, but although he had love for me, he also was a lifetime bachelor and had no idea about long-term relationships or living with anyone, or what commitment really meant. There were a few strange things, but I didn't really figure out that there was an imbalance (chemical? thyroid? just passive-aggressive?) until after we were married, nor did I see any serious acting out until after we got married. He's just prefers being single. He cares about me, but not enough.

Why did he even marry me? I wanted this to be the LAST time I ever got married. Ever. He knew that. He just made a mistake, is all, says he.

My heart is broken.

I just really wanted to grow old with someone.

I guess that's it then. There seems to be a serious lack of commitment, and it's not on my part. I know when I'm beating a dead horse. This one was his choice, not mine.

I am not leaving... he has already left me in his heart. It's done. It's just a matter of time now... the countdown begins.
I'm simply giving in, giving up. You cannot make someone love you--I learned that mistake with #3.
I'm 45 and have potentially lived only half of my life.

I will never marry again.

I will get over it, like I always do. I am preparing, moving on, will start over, and will focus on getting out of debt, building my life and home and work, writing my books, and making a difference for others.

That is all I have to say about that.

MARRIAGE - STAYING IN THE EYE OF THE HURRICANE


Marriage is a living, breathing thing. Like everything in nature it has its own attributes. It is an entity all on its own. It has life, ups and downs, and cycles. Sometimes it reaches the end of cycle, sometimes it is renewed, sometimes not.

Marriage is not a piece of paper, it's in the heart... however, once the other person is no longer in your heart, because it is too filled up with yourself, or other people or things, ideals or wishes beyond what you think the relationship can bring, it dies. Rarely do marriages die of natural causes--they are usually induced by one or both parties. Just as it takes two to make a marriage work, however, it takes two to end it. So, in this way, the death of a marriage can take on different forms.

Marriages that are dying can be like the ebb and flow of the tide (moving in waves, in and out until it finally goes out and stays out), or a calm sunny day (where everything is mutual and all parties agree and are happy with the outcome), or it can take on the attributes of a storm (where nothing is mutual and destruction is left behind in its wake).

A lack of mutual respect, love, desires, patience, tolerance, and commitment, will take on the attributes of a storm. In some cases, a hurricane. Mutual is the key word. When a marriage is mutual, the marriage moves in the same direction like the wind moving up a mountain. However, when one party wants to go another direction, the air currents go different ways, and it swirls around where they meet.

A recurring theme (of what lies in your heart) in a marriage, is cycled over and over, and spirals upon itself... negative thoughts will feed upon themselves... closing in, until it intensifies like a hurricane. Well-formed strong storms have an eye at the center, and at its edge is the eye wall, which is where the storm's edge is at its greatest intensity. Sometimes the battering rain of your tears and the mighty winds of change allow you to pass through this, into the eye of the storm.

In the eye the winds stop, you can see clearly, and despite the storm around it, there is peace in this spot. It is an eerie peace... for even though the wind is not present, yet you can hear it all around, and the air pressure is very low. Sound does not move through this space as it normally would, and the sea is still tossing to and fro. If you were on a boat in the eye of a hurricane (cyclone) you would experience surging and yawing, pitching and rolling on the sea's surface, even though the wind has fled. The peace is temporary. That is, unless you move with it.

One can follow this eye as the storm moves, to keep some peace within, but one needs to take flight or the waves might still turn you over. You can fly up and out of this storm and avoid all of the turmoils associated with it, although chances are, you will need to follow it as the storm moves, until it runs its course and finally fizzles out and ends.

The storm will have gone, and the environment will look better then... sunny and bright... although fraught with destruction all around, which the storm has caused.

Pick up the pieces, and build a new life. It is all you can do.

Friday, April 22, 2016

HOW TO NURTURE A WALLFLOWER


I heard someone (a man) recently call a woman (a lady I know) a "wallflower", which had a negative connotation. Perhaps you know a person like this so-called wallflower... or maybe you are one? Do you know what a wallflower means? I overheard these two talking, but what I thought it meant was not actually what it means.

What did I think it meant?
Basically, a person who has no personality, who sits there and is boring. A character flaw. A negative thing to be. Something that needs to be fixed because it is inferior.

I wondered if the lady was actually a boring person, or who was so ignorant or unintelligent or "didn't entertain" that guy enough (so I heard him say) that he would call her that?

I figured this guy must really be desperate for quality company. She must be an idiot in his mind. In fact, he bitched to her about how soft-spoken she is, wimpy even. He blamed her for being passive, in effect. She was nothing to him.

I figured a wallflower must be deaf and dumb, like an image of a flower on the wall or on wallpaper, that just sits there looking pretty but hears nothing, says nothing, has no pretty smell (as a real flower would), and goes nowhere because it has no actual life to it. Just a 2D picture... flat and unappealing. A boring image to look at or be near. Dead. At least, dead to him.

I had heard the term wallflower used a number of times in my life, and figured I knew what it meant. I didn't... at least not from the perspective of the actual definition.

So it struck me a couple days later... what exactly *is* the definition of a wallflower anyway?

I googled the definition of a wallflower: "a person who has no one to dance with or who feels shy, awkward, or excluded at a party."

Oh dear God, boy did I have it wrong!

According to this, a wallflower is not boring, but shy. Someone self-conscious... sensitive. Perhaps an introvert who prefers to sit away from the party-happy people who jump around and make a lot of noise and drink more than they can handle. Not just that, but there's potential in this person, this wallflower...

Here is the important part. The distinction I must point out...

Just because they have no one to dance with does not mean they are not worth dancing with!
Just because they have no one to dance with does not mean they are not a good dancer!

A wallflower is someone who is judged by another as something unworthy, but until they are asked or given the opportunity to show they are a living flower--full of grace and beauty in their own way, who gives off a sweet fragrance when they bloom--then they simply are living as 'potential energy' rather than non-energy.

Non-energy is boring because it sits there for no reason outside of itself. Potential energy simply has not yet been released.

Even if the person is not a good dancer, it does not mean that is there best skill or talent. There are many ways to find out how they "dance" in life, and it may be different than you expect.

So to me, now, the wallflowers of life do not necessarily mean that someone is boring or unworthy--it means they haven't been given the opportunity to grow and flourish. They have not been nurtured properly.

Flowers are plants, and plants need watering, and just the right conditions of temperature and sunlight and nourishment from the earth, and perhaps mulching to protect them and build up the soil for optimum growth so they can bloom.

So now I do not see that man as being superior over the wallflower woman that he blamed and put down.

I see the man as being inept and a hypocrite because he did not ask her to dance.
I see the man as being mean because he ignored her and did not look at her heart.
I see the man as misjudging her, not giving her a chance.
I see the man as not providing her with the environment she needs to grow and bloom.
I see the man as the problem, not the solution.
I see the man as an enabler of his own version of what he thinks a wallflower is, so he can use it against her.
I see the man as not being a true nurturer, but selfish and demanding, wanting attention, and needing to be "entertained".
I see the man as being weak because he is a user, not a giver. His energy is unidirectional--towards himself.
I see the man as an energy vampire, sucking peoples' energy but not giving any back.
I see the man as someone not worth dancing with.

Good for her, the wallflower, if she sits on the sidelines all forlorn, for the man who doesn't ask her to dance is not worth dancing with.

Better to be alone for a couple hours than to feel alone for the next 2 years (or more) by getting into a relationship with a man who would never nurture her needs and allow her to bloom, so that she feels alone even when she is with him.

I respect the wallflower now, where before I didn't.

Too bad for the man who ignored the wallflower and missed out on her actual inner beauty. She will serve others well when the environment for growth is right, whereas he will miss the real dance of his life.

I would rather be a wallflower, too, than to be with a man like that.. the man who called her a wallflower as if it were a bad thing. Being a wallflower is a temporary circumstance, not her entire life.

She is "only a wallflower" to him because he ignores her, causes her to walk on eggshells because she knows she will get demeaned again if she argues.

Wallflowers are still flowers, and they are beautiful--if seen through eyes that can behold their beauty. Spiritual eyes, eyes with potential, eyes that have vision, eyes that know how to nurture and protect and create a healthy environment for growth.

Be a wallflower ladies... and do this:

IF YOU PREFER TO WAIT FOR THE RIGHT PERSON TO ASK YOU TO DANCE:
Wait for the right guy who actually asks you to dance, if you like. Just because you don't feel like getting up and dancing alone does not make you a bad or boring person, nor does it mean you should stand up prematurely and dance with an idiot who does not appreciate or want you... for he does not know who you are at all. He may misjudge and lack the ability to see your true potential, let alone bring you into abundance. Wait for the one who chooses you for you, who will see your potential and positive attributes and who supports your growth.

IF YOU DO NOT LIKE TO DANCE, OR DO NOT WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE:
Sit alone happy... or you can always leave the party. There are more people in the world than who attend that one party, or any "party" for that matter. Do something you like, and go places you prefer to be. Do not make the mistake of dancing with someone who does not appreciate you, or investing in a person who does not invest in you. Invest in yourself, nurture yourself, know what you like and what you don't, know what makes you grow and live and bloom. DO those things that make you smile and feel alive! Do not wait on some guy who may never come. Do not rely on a guy who dances with you one day and refuses the next, wishy-washy, back and forth, for he is unreliable. Rely on yourself. Be your own strength, and love yourself. If you are this kind of wallflower, then there is no need to wait on someone to make you feel you are worth something, because you already know you are.

So how do you nurture a wallflower?

Simply take time to invest in a person to find their values and strengths and appreciate who they are for their own sake (not yours).

If you, yourself, are a wallflower, then simply nurture and love yourself, as you are. :)

Written for the lady I know--the wallflower... and all the other misunderstood wallflowers in life.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

HOW TO GET A WIFE AS A LONG-TERM BACHELOR


This is from a woman's perspective... so take it or leave it, but it's based on my life's experience and witnessing as well as experiencing things with bachelors and childless couples. Bachelors who have never been married before actually have less success for getting married the older they get. There are exceptions, which I will cover below...

Sometimes guys catch up and finally come around. Men who are bachelors for 40+ years really don't have a clue what it is like to be married--they just have ideas in their head, but those ideas may not be reality. Or these men might be scared of responsibility. Or a host of other things. But even if they buck, or get cold feet at the altar, or get married and then instantly regret it, they generally come around once they realize everything is going to be okay. Having a life partner is generally a good thing. It's just probably not what you expect, because bachelors have had a lifetime to build up concepts of what they THINK marriage is, but having never experienced it, they really stand void of what that really means.

The only times I have ever seen exceptions to this is if a male bachelor has lived with a partner long term, and/or raised children, or participates in these behaviors fairly regularly. Having a family, or taking care of others and living with others in a participatory manner, sharing bills and responsibilities, having arguments about little things and knowing that's OK, and other facts of life, gives a person experience and builds tolerance. People not exposed to these things (including couples who never have children, or live by themselves) tend to get pickier and less tolerant of others, and of situations, as they get older, which as time progresses, actually reduces their chances of ever getting married or having a family.

Pray, manifest it, do the exact opposite of everything you've been doing, go on nice dates at nice places instead of trying to pick women up at bars, do whatever it takes to make it happen if you want a wife. But do not do what you've been doing if it's not working for you. I suppose that's common sense, but sometimes guys (and gals) don't change their habits and wonder why something is still not working for them.

Biggest hindrances to getting married to a wife:

1. Online pursuit - get out there and talk to people in person, even if you meet someone online, you can't live in a virtual world forever, so you'll still have to buck up and put on some big boy pants and get the hell out of the house. Get a hobby even... one that involves having social circles.

2. Living with the parents - get a place of your own. Unless you live in a city, or there's a special temporary circumstance, a woman is not going to want to be that close to her future mother-in-law. Don't count on living with your girlfriend either. Be a man, show some responsibility... get your own place. If it's too expensive, do a search for the cheapest cities in the country, move there, get a job, educate yourself, make a life and a career, and make your future wife proud. With any luck she'll have a place and you two can rent one out and have passive income off of one of the homes to lessen the financial load.

3. Porn - face it guys... your expectations will NEVER be met if your focus is on a virtual world of sex that is not based in reality. I seriously doubt any good woman will approve, either. Get over yourself and start realizing that a man who masturbates long enough (I'm talking years upon years here) starts having trouble "doing it" when the real thing is in front of him. It could be in the way of becoming desensitized emotionally or physically or mentally or even spiritually, or else being disappointed that a real curvy woman with a muff does not look like the anorexic porn star that is all shaven like a little girl.

4. Your expectations are too high - this is the big one!!! I've heard guys say SO MANY TIMES that they don't want this kind of woman, or a lady of a particular race, or someone who is too skinny or too fat, or that has a certain kind of job, or that is of a certain personality type or IQ. Yes, we can have preferences, but too many starts limiting the options for any serious dating, and being too picky actually reduces the chances for finding happiness or settling down. What are your priorities? Write them down. Are they what really counts or are they shallow? Are they keeping you from enjoying someone long enough to really get to know them before you go to bed with them? is there a foundation of friendship before the marriage? A fast and furious marriage often winds up in a fast and furious divorce. Take the time to invest in a person, and if it's mutual, you just might have a winner! Realize it's supposed to be a win-win two-way deal. :)

Good luck and hope this helps! I wrote this for a friend of mine... you know who you are. ;) As for my husband, he was a bachelor of over 40 when we got married too, so I think I know what I'm talking about... and no, not all of these applied to him at all, but expectations did, and online pursuit (how we met) did, and he overcame them both, so you can too!

CHANGE IN VENUE

I have used this blog for personal and social topics of variating interest since I have a regular website at www.sunstar-solutions.com/wp/ for my free e-book on solar home topics and bigfoot maps. However, I may start using this blog more for solar home articles and my new "retire green" focus that incorporates natural building of tiny houses with permaculture principles and design for growing food forests.

This is a work in progress, so please feel free to follow me as we go...

I'm barely working on the new Retire Green website, but you are welcome to take a peek:

Site: www.retiregreen.ca/wp/
Blog/community site: www.retiregreen.org/wp/ (not quite set up yet)

Let me know if you like it!

Of course, now that I've said there's a change in venue, do realize that I will still use this blog for other writings that come to me! And that's my prerogative... after all, it's my blog. ;)

Saturday, November 28, 2015

WHEN TRUTHFULNESS IS LACKING IN MARRIAGE


As a person who has deeply searched and sought after the Truth (with a big "T") in my life, I have to say that I found a whole lot of little "t" truths along the way, the big Truth notwithstanding. I also know that people also use "little white lies" to protect others from harm, or what they perceive could hurt someone, or to protect themselves, but there there comes a time, especially in love relationships and marriage, that being honest and truthful should be paramount to anything else.

Why should truthfulness come first in a marriage or love partnership?

Simple, it is the foundation upon which everything else is based. If you do not have truth between you, you also lose trust, and with that the relationship breaks down. This is not only accurate for fidelity in monogamous relationships, but also poly relationships that are based on mutual agreement.

Yes, there are times when the truth hurts. Finding out that a spouse has cheated on you certainly hurts, regardless of which gender was not monogamous. Some people believe in polyamorous relationships to avoid having to lie to their spouse or partner, but include them in the process of knowing and dating or being with other people in an open relationship. This poly arrangement works for some people, but not all. Some people are monogamous by nature, and others by upbringing. Still others based in on their religious belief system.

Are you religious or spiritual? What is your belief on truthfulness, whether religious or not? Does it affect how you behave in public? Does it affect how you behave in private?

For me, when I became a Baha'i, I was highly attracted to the quote:

"Truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues. Without truthfulness progress and success, in all the worlds of God, are impossible for any soul. When this holy attribute is established in man, all the divine qualities will also be acquired. --‘Abdu’l-Bahá, cited in The Advent of Divine Justice"

And I like this one...

"Truthfulness, uprightness and integrity are the attributes of the righteous and the hallmarks of the pure. ... A truthful person will be protected from all moral afflictions, will shrink from every evil deed, and be preserved from every wicked act, inasmuch as all vices and misdeeds are the very antithesis of truthfulness, and a truthful man will hold them all in utter abhorrence. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet, translated from the Persian"

(source for both quotes: http://www.bahai.org/beliefs/life-spirit/character-conduct/truthfulness-trustworthiness-justice)

There is something to be said for truthfulness being the foundation of a marriage. Either there will be truthfulness and trust in a relationship, or there will not. Have you experienced both? How did it affect you? What did you learn from it? Did truthfulness become more important after a loss due to untruths that were told, or behaviors that were based on lies?

If you are in a relationship, and your spouse is prone to lying or sneaking or hiding things from you, then you have to ask yourself whether you have the inner strength to push through it and learn what you can, and or move on. Changing the other person rarely, if ever, works. Sometimes it takes a complete breakdown before people change. Sometimes it takes an act of God. Sometimes nothing helps and they will simply have to walk their own path until it leads to their destruction, or yours with them. Are you prepared for that? If you are committed to the relationship, how much are you willing to take? What boundaries do you need to set? How can you do this in a loving way that promotes truthfulness rather than just blame or hurt?

It seems like a scary future, not really knowing or trusting someone in their issues about being truthful, but on the flip slide, it can make you feel very secure and loved if you know you can count on your partner to be truthful no matter what, or if you have their undying love no matter what. However, if a painful truth hurts you, perhaps that your partner wants more lovers than just you, or you caught them in a lie about going to work when they were secretly meeting someone else, can you handle that truth?

The old saying in the Bible (John 8:32), "The truth will set you free" may free you from a miserable marriage, or put you on a new path to healing, even if it brought hurt at the beginning.

Above all, be honest with yourself.
Be truthful about what you can handle, and where you stand.
No matter what happens, stand in your own truthfulness... especially in your marriage or love relationship. That is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself... and even this is an act of love, perhaps for yourself, or your sanity in the face of untruths that might surround you or permeate your marriage.

Friday, November 6, 2015

DEFENSIVE ANGER BLINDS US TO TRUTH


Anger unleashed is like throwing beach sand in a full-face wind hoping it will take away the cause of sand in your eyes...

sometimes you have to let the storm calm down before you see the big picture...

that the beach of our lives is not just made of words of sand and thoughts of wind, but also the waves of action that extend to shape its length, and an entire ocean of watery depths filled with dark mysteries and great serpentine sea dragons.

That is where the real dangers lie... in the hidden realms of the sea of our untamed emotions with its deep chasms and craggy places... this ocean of our hearts.

Look carefully over yonder... whenever no sand has been stolen by the eyes... this is also where the answers surface occasionally on the water's cover, and glimpses of their sunlit insights can be seen breaking out by the well-trained eye...

If you listen closely, you might even understand their calls to truth.