Saturday, November 28, 2015

WHEN TRUTHFULNESS IS LACKING IN MARRIAGE


As a person who has deeply searched and sought after the Truth (with a big "T") in my life, I have to say that I found a whole lot of little "t" truths along the way, the big Truth notwithstanding. I also know that people also use "little white lies" to protect others from harm, or what they perceive could hurt someone, or to protect themselves, but there there comes a time, especially in love relationships and marriage, that being honest and truthful should be paramount to anything else.

Why should truthfulness come first in a marriage or love partnership?

Simple, it is the foundation upon which everything else is based. If you do not have truth between you, you also lose trust, and with that the relationship breaks down. This is not only accurate for fidelity in monogamous relationships, but also poly relationships that are based on mutual agreement.

Yes, there are times when the truth hurts. Finding out that a spouse has cheated on you certainly hurts, regardless of which gender was not monogamous. Some people believe in polyamorous relationships to avoid having to lie to their spouse or partner, but include them in the process of knowing and dating or being with other people in an open relationship. This poly arrangement works for some people, but not all. Some people are monogamous by nature, and others by upbringing. Still others based in on their religious belief system.

Are you religious or spiritual? What is your belief on truthfulness, whether religious or not? Does it affect how you behave in public? Does it affect how you behave in private?

For me, when I became a Baha'i, I was highly attracted to the quote:

"Truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues. Without truthfulness progress and success, in all the worlds of God, are impossible for any soul. When this holy attribute is established in man, all the divine qualities will also be acquired. --‘Abdu’l-Bahá, cited in The Advent of Divine Justice"

And I like this one...

"Truthfulness, uprightness and integrity are the attributes of the righteous and the hallmarks of the pure. ... A truthful person will be protected from all moral afflictions, will shrink from every evil deed, and be preserved from every wicked act, inasmuch as all vices and misdeeds are the very antithesis of truthfulness, and a truthful man will hold them all in utter abhorrence. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet, translated from the Persian"

(source for both quotes: http://www.bahai.org/beliefs/life-spirit/character-conduct/truthfulness-trustworthiness-justice)

There is something to be said for truthfulness being the foundation of a marriage. Either there will be truthfulness and trust in a relationship, or there will not. Have you experienced both? How did it affect you? What did you learn from it? Did truthfulness become more important after a loss due to untruths that were told, or behaviors that were based on lies?

If you are in a relationship, and your spouse is prone to lying or sneaking or hiding things from you, then you have to ask yourself whether you have the inner strength to push through it and learn what you can, and or move on. Changing the other person rarely, if ever, works. Sometimes it takes a complete breakdown before people change. Sometimes it takes an act of God. Sometimes nothing helps and they will simply have to walk their own path until it leads to their destruction, or yours with them. Are you prepared for that? If you are committed to the relationship, how much are you willing to take? What boundaries do you need to set? How can you do this in a loving way that promotes truthfulness rather than just blame or hurt?

It seems like a scary future, not really knowing or trusting someone in their issues about being truthful, but on the flip slide, it can make you feel very secure and loved if you know you can count on your partner to be truthful no matter what, or if you have their undying love no matter what. However, if a painful truth hurts you, perhaps that your partner wants more lovers than just you, or you caught them in a lie about going to work when they were secretly meeting someone else, can you handle that truth?

The old saying in the Bible (John 8:32), "The truth will set you free" may free you from a miserable marriage, or put you on a new path to healing, even if it brought hurt at the beginning.

Above all, be honest with yourself.
Be truthful about what you can handle, and where you stand.
No matter what happens, stand in your own truthfulness... especially in your marriage or love relationship. That is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself... and even this is an act of love, perhaps for yourself, or your sanity in the face of untruths that might surround you or permeate your marriage.

Friday, November 6, 2015

DEFENSIVE ANGER BLINDS US TO TRUTH


Anger unleashed is like throwing beach sand in a full-face wind hoping it will take away the cause of sand in your eyes...

sometimes you have to let the storm calm down before you see the big picture...

that the beach of our lives is not just made of words of sand and thoughts of wind, but also the waves of action that extend to shape its length, and an entire ocean of watery depths filled with dark mysteries and great serpentine sea dragons.

That is where the real dangers lie... in the hidden realms of the sea of our untamed emotions with its deep chasms and craggy places... this ocean of our hearts.

Look carefully over yonder... whenever no sand has been stolen by the eyes... this is also where the answers surface occasionally on the water's cover, and glimpses of their sunlit insights can be seen breaking out by the well-trained eye...

If you listen closely, you might even understand their calls to truth.

CONFESSIONS OF REAL LIFE CHEATING HUSBANDS


I recently did an online poll on Facebook asking men (only) for their input as to why some men cheat on their partners/spouses.

The answers came flooding in, ranging from genetics, to hormones and hunter-gatherer days, to DNA-built-in-urges to satisfy the need to make lots of descendants, to simply being choice, or a product of one's culture, or social constructs, or even some men saying that the woman is the gift inside the box and that men who just want sex or gratification simply get no farther than pulling off the wrapping from off the gift and never look deeper into the treasure that's inside the person, where other men said that the entire cheating thing is completely done by males who are immature and are not real men at all and do not deserve to be called men, but animals satisfying an urge they refuse to control.

The results of this question of why men cheat were fascinating; I had a number of men send me private messages of some of their stories, and how they experienced some of their personal situations. Many of them were not happy in their marriages, and needed an outlet, or were looking for someone to fill a void. Some merely had wanderlust, or were self-proclaimed horndogs.

I was able to gather a few of the men's stories about small chat sessions they had with some women while they were married or in a steady relationship, without their wive's/partner's knowledge or consent. I have deleted all real names, and also have removed all of the comments from the women since I did not have permission to publish them. The men's responses are below, so here is what a typical (one-sided) conversation about sexual topics might look like (sorry folks, this is NOT the X-rated version... this is clean blogging only! LOL)

KEITH TALKING TO DAVIDA WHO LIVES IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

Erect! Haha I wish.
Especially when I am walking around nude... Just in case you wanted a bonus.
Bend you over while eating pizza...?
I'm nude now...
You could stay here if you wish since I am the only one here.
I certainly hope you are getting plenty [of sex] right now?
Still having vegetable sex?
It was really fun being single. Monogamy takes work for me.
Because I don't think I could be with just one person, especially when I wish to sleep with multiple women at once...
I have been considering some older women.
[I got married for] Consistent sex. Trying to do the right thing.
[Marriage is] Nothing special in my opinion.

PATRICK TALKING TO MARY AFTER JUST MEETING ONLINE:

You certainly are an attractive woman.
In the end, it [chemistry] matters.
Are you saying, you feel I am your "soul mate"?
With money, anything can be done.
You are a little older than me which in my mind is good.
I love being in the sack. I have an above average libido.
This has been a most "stimulating" conversation.

PETER WITH ALICIA AND THE SAME THREE LIES HE ALWAYS TELLS WOMEN:

[I am] 49 and separated. [in reality married]
Yes [I live alone]. [in reality living with spouse]
Yes [I want to get remarried].

JESSUP AND NAOMI DISCUSSING HIS MARRIAGE:

You are looking sexier all the time!
You are attractive. It should be easy to find men.
It is based on chemistry. I have an attraction for you, but your feelings are what matter too.
Yes [I'm married], and not entirely happy.
No kids. I just got married three years ago.
A person can be happy married and be happy single. Each has its advantages.
I am not super attracted to her [my wife] but she is a good person.
Sometimes I ask the same thing ["What do you want now?"]
So the point is be happy where you are. It isn't necessarily better to get married.
The relationship is the tougher bit.
Sexual attraction certainly helps... Speaking from experience there.
Loyalty - Probably my partner's best quality.
I am [lucky]. It doesn't necessarily make me entirely content when I could be with a person like you though.
You are young and attractive, and it sounds like you have a good heart.
I really don't know how perfect I am for wanting you.
Not where my sexual attraction is though [my wife].
Why have kids if you are unsure where you want to go? That is how I feel.

It is apparent that these men all have something in common... they are adult men, married, and use the Internet to hide their sexual prowling from their wives (or girlfriend in one case). They also admitted that none of these particular conversations with the "other woman" ever turned into anything physical/real outside of their chat session. I thank them for their candid and revealing chat sessions, because it is something that women who are looking for men online can watch for in their answers--be aware! If a man is cheating on his wife, his chances are much higher to cheat on the next female in line too. Women who are married to these men may find themselves in divorce because the men do not want to change their behaviors, ultimately, or find it too hard (pun intended) to stop. Sex is one of the most commonly addictive behaviors known to man. People search for "sex" on the intarwebs more often than anything other keyword.

Many people have known for years that men who cheat rarely do it just once, and the more they do it the more they get comfortable doing it and are more likely to keep up the behavior. When caught they admitted to me that their reactions can vary, depending--some go into straight out denial, while others turn the conversation around and blame the women for cheating (whether they have cheated or not). Yet others apologize and make ammends and then turn around and do it again next time. Rarely do men stop cheating, but it does happen.

Typically, if it is not in the heart of a man to cheat on his spouse, then he simply will not do it under any circumstance, often times on principle. Others fall prey or go through a stressful time and get close to someone and find themselves in a relationship before they realize what happened.

I will add one comment that came from one of the many women who tried to give answers on my "men only" poll... and that is of monogamy. She said that monogamy is a constructed mode of behavior that promulgates behaviors of hiding (because monogamy does not allow for sex outside the one relationship, ever) and "cheating," whereas open relationships, which are defined by all parties, go in with eyes open and communication equally open, decisions are made together and all persons involved can be happy and accepted without fear or hiding. It is food for thought, but may be not be the answer for all people. It takes a certain level of trust, and also may depend on one's upbringing as to how comfortable one might be to do (or not do) such a thing.

Anyway, I had read something recently that made me ponder the question of why men cheat... so now you know at least some of the reasons why. It appears, at least with the men who chatted above, that their marriages were suffering... but whether because it was truly bad situations, or if it was because their hearts were not in the marriages to begin with, may never be known (I didn't want to pry too far in the end).

If one of these guys above was your husband, what would you do? How do you know if your husband or partner is cheating on you? Perhaps I'll keep these questions for another blog at another time. For now, I will just leave you with bit of better news about monogamy and faithful husbands. One man I spoke to said this about his wife and family, "My wife drives me crazy, but she's good to the kids and me, and I feel she's truly in love with me, which is what I wanted in a relationship. My monogamous relationship comes from he respect I have because the love I feel she gives to me and my children."

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

STONY


I can't remember his real name, but everyone called him "Stony". Probably because of his history of being stoned on drugs, although everyone knew his favorite drink was alcohol. I remember seeing Stony at the cement block building where my dad had his office in El Paso. Stony usually hung out at the bar at the end of the complex. Sometimes you would see him, and sometimes he would disappear to stay with friends somewhere, but in time he would come home... wherever "home" was around there. We never quite knew where Stony slept most of the time, but occasionally it was in the jail across the street because he had gotten into a bar fight.

But today I write about Stony not because of what he was, or because of what he wasn't. I write about Stony because of my own guilt... a shadow that will lie dark on my life and in my heart for a long time to come, which may grow into hopefully a help to others because I will ensure that this kind of thing won't happen again. My guilt is not present because of what I did, but because of what I didn't do. I avoided Stony. He was nothing but kind to me. All the years we knew him he was always there at the office door, and he would come in asking for $5 in trade for taking out the garbage, sweeping up the sidewalk outside, or any little thing that my dad needed on any particular day. This went on a couple times a week for months, and the months turned into years. Stony was always there (except when in jail), and always ready and willing to help.

I remember one time when someone molested my daughter and Stony spoke up, "You just say the word and I'll take care of that guy! I'll get someone to take me out there and you won't ever have to worry about that guy again. I'll take care of him for good." Stony meant it, which is why we did not act on that offer. He always asked about me, even when I was gone. He would do anything for me. I have no idea why he liked me, but he did. I recall his kind eyes behind his messy hair and ragged clothes. One side of his face was larger than the other, almost as if permanently swollen due to too many bar fights and broken cheekbones or the like. Once in a while he would want a hug, and I would hug him.

I remember the last time I saw him, when I visited the office I worked at years ago, where my dad still was, and Stony still hung around. Just this summer he was there when I swung by. Two times I saw him, but both times I was on my way out the door. He didn't ask for a hug, and I sighed in relief. Nice enough guy, but I just didn't want to hug him. Sometimes he stunk, and sometimes I was afraid he might get fresh with me, even though he never did. He liked me, you see, and kept no secrets that if I were "available" he would want me. But it was not mutual. So I avoided his hugs. This last time I was there I saw him as I headed to the car and I almost went back to talk for a moment, but didn't. I left. I saw him outside the office with his shopping basket full of stuff, waving to me as I left. I waved back.

I got a phone call from my parents with bad news the other day. Stony had died. He was at the store next door to the office, and he said to the owner (who also would hire him to do odds and ends), "I don't feel so good." So the owner told him maybe he should sit down and rest for a bit. "No," he said, "I need to get going." Stony walked outside and someone found him a little while later lying dead out front. Perhaps his heart gave out. No one knew. No one cared enough to pay for an autopsy. He had no family and only a handful of people who knew him here and there. Everyone took care of Stony in some manner, and Stony took care of everyone in his own ways, cleaning or fixing things, but never again would he walk through that office door for five measly dollars.

My parents and I talked about times we remembered about Stony. I recalled the time he was drunk and came into the office and wanted money, but he was not in shape to work, plus he had already gotten paid that week's worth. He pulled out his switchblade and showed us how fast he was at drawing it open. I could see the fear in my dad's eyes that day because a drunk man asking for money while pulling a knife out was probably not a good combination. My dad gave him $5 to get rid of him. That was the worst I had ever seen him, and he never actually threatened anyone. It was just an odd situation, of which I never flinched. I pretended it did not scare me either, although it did. I guess I don't trust drunk people with knives flashing about.

Another time my dad remembered was when someone gave Stony a huge bag of canned food, all corn. He came by the office and told my dad, "I've been eating corn three times a day. I'm glad to have the food, but boy will I be glad when this corn is gone. I don't want to see corn for a long time." We chuckled, but inside I was cringing that none of us made more effort to ensure Stony had better food. Was it our responsibility? We did what we could. I remember sharing our tamales with him. My mom always gave him boxed food or pieces of food she had made and brought into the office. My dad even sent money to the funeral home to help pay for his cremation (we think it was a cremation anyway, based on the dollar amount of the bill that his friend came by and told my dad about--they were trying to raise money to help pay it). Everyone took care of Stony, and Stony took care of everyone.

So today I am sad that Stony is gone, but even more so because I had the chance to give Stony a huge hug, this last time I saw him, but did not. I even thought about it, and that I should treat him better, and not avoid him. It had been a couple of years since I had seen him, and I figured it could be another year or two before I saw him again. I should have hugged him goodbye. I should have hugged him long and hard, and told him how good it was to see him again, alive and well. Stony was never really well, but he was alive, and he loved people and loved life, even though he had problems.

I will never have that chance back to hug Stony. I can only move forward. Perhaps I will go visit my son's friend who is presently in a homeless shelter, who I have not seen for several months now. Perhaps it is time to go sit and talk with him again... and give him a big hug.

Monday, September 28, 2015

THREE ARE ONE: BEST THERAPY FOR OVERCOMING


It is because we are three parts in one that I must make this change.
We are three parts in one person--body, mind, and spirit.
Body is the physical reality of our being.
Mind is the soul, or thinking and feeling and emotional and personality part of our being.
Spirit is the higher energy that was before, and will continue, beyond our birth and death.
Spirit is energy. No more, no less. It is the energy that follows the rules of being... the laws of nature.

"Energy can neither be created nor destroyed"
It merely changes forms, when we are conceived, and grow, and are birthed and live, and grow old and die.

Everything in between is filled with spirit (energy) of life, from quantum physics and dimensional realms, to inner nature and higher nature, collective consciousness and super-consciousness, sometimes an inner knowing that comes from somewhere else.

Everything in between is filled with soulical aspects of learning and feeling, sorrow and rejoicing, speaking and knowing, choosing and acting in deliberate ways, and grasping intuition.

Everything in between is filled with physical reality of pain and feeling healthy, feeding our bodies with nutrition for growth or starving ourselves, sex and touch, tasting and hearing, seeing and smelling, all senses taking in the physical world by our physical bodies.

But all of these three parts... the body, mind/soul, and spirit/energy... are one being.
When one is changed, the others are affected.
When having problems in one area, change another, and the rest will follow.
Everything is connected.
Nothing exists by itself.
The three are one... whether we think so or not, it works.
This is why I had the epiphany of dark and negative thoughts having two sources... the body, and the mind, for the spirit is light and is without error.
The body may be weakened by viruses or bacteria, causing illness, even mental illness, so science now establishes this. I read about this within two hours after having the epiphany, based on my own experiences and the pattern I saw.
Negative thoughts and old habits that feel out of your control may be a result of something that happened long ago, even in the womb, or childhood. Rehashing memories or habits dig the groove deeper. Meds may help, but will it solve it?
The other part is nature, soulical nature, that allows us to put mind over matter. Choice. Everything is a choice. Many times people have a breakdown before their choice is made, but once they choose, whether by their own will or not, things improve. Focus on spiritual first. Every morning. Every night. Keep yourself accountable. Pray or read or worship.
The mind will follow, and in time the body will repair itself.
This is why I must make the change in my own life.
This is why healing must be what was before "natural" for me to continue thoughts that are not right.
I noticed that when my thoughts went one direction, it would manifest in some way very soon afterwards... perhaps not in the way I wanted, but definitely the negative energy.
A virtual "spanking" made into a punishment of reality, of some sort or another.
Until I knew better and did it anyway, and the result was more severe than I could take.
So it brakes the will, and refocuses the desire.
The consequence is that my spirit will lead, my mind will embrace and manifest, and my body and life will follow.
It has to, for everything is connected.
We are not separate from our three parts.
We are made up of all of them, together.
Fix one, and you fix the rest.
It may take time, but be vigilant and improvements are inevitable.
Seek healing. Real healing. Believe it.
To overcome what was before, unattainable.

Friday, September 11, 2015

LOVE NEVER KNOWN

There is no greater feeling than love, and being in love, and being loved equally in return.
There is no greater curse than feeling love, and being in love when the love is not equally returned.

A whispered desire, like a flame that burns bright, is squelched in the night as words aloof rain down.
No one shall know this love, so deep and pure, the depths greater than the Marianas Trench, and its pressure and power like a crush, a sickness, an obsession...
No mind meld can suffice, no heart listened to intently, no adoration returned to fill the night.

Alone she goeth, alone she follows, alone she sleeps it off.
No one shall ever know her true touch, the places hidden as a wellspring...
Wasted in the days gone by, on men one at a time who never cared enough to know it.
And never will. No one will. It is impossible.

No greater feeling than love in a loop, cycling around between souls.
No greater curse than its potential never known.

It is hard to feel and yearn for things so intimate when it is lost in a shallow wading pool.
Incapable of depth, he roams simplistic, in fear of deep water.
Alone she dives, and finds no one at the bottom, but herself.

Monday, July 27, 2015

STOP ARGUING

I speak, you disagree. I feel attacked and get defensive. We argue. The problem may not always be that I am wrong, but that you fear you are not right. It takes two to argue. Your disatisfaction with my arguing is merely a projection of your own inability to stop arguing. It takes two. I am only one person. I cannot remove your responsibility for the part you play.

Likewise, a plan for financial success is a huge process. While "owning an apartment building" is a lofty goal, it is only a goal... not a plan. A plan includes all the steps between A and Z to achieve that goal. If I don't have such a plan in place towards the same goal should I require you to pack your bags? Again, my lack of a solid plan is not my issue (I'm more flexible than that) or yours... your projection onto me of having no plan of your own is your problem. Your future is your responsibility, not mine.

Sorry that I add so little value to your life. Methinks projection is again afoot. And one wonders why I argue...