Sunday, May 22, 2011

CHOICES IN LOVE

Sometimes the love between two people is perfect. Sometimes things or people in life come in between love, in order to tear it apart. Sometimes both extremes happen within the same relationship, at the same time. Just whose choice is this anyway?

I have dreams that come true... premonitions if you will. I dreamt about meeting my present husband, and the universe arranged everything so perfectly for us to meet, and be together. It was marvelous... the first two years like a dream... a dream come true. Literally.

I also had a premonition, early on in our relationship, that there would be a group of people who would conspire together to judge us wrongfully, and I told my husband, "Something bad is going to happen..." but we (humans in general) often try to suppress such feelings and knowings, or go into a kind of denial that such things can really occur, or think we can figure it out and "fix" it before or as it happens.

But a premonition is of something that IS going to happen. Period. Knowing a tsunami is going to occur does not mean we can put our arms together and attempt to "stop" the wave by our own limited power. I now wonder if having such premonitions can help us prevent - reverse - what we see is coming? In my case I knew that the only way to stop it would have been to cut off my relationship with the very person who had been promised to be the lover and husband side of God to me (which came true). Instead, I stood my ground, believing that love could conquer all. I believed we could stand the test of time, and go through anything together, and that we could set things straight, whatever it was that might happen.

But then one day we found out the neighbor had hurt our child (and admitted it), and a corrupt cop, who had a history of coercion (whom I had seen a "blackness" of energy all around him the first time I set eyes upon him), sought out to destroy our lives, and his lies and destructive behaviors bled over onto others, who in a chain of command, used those lies and deceit to absolutely undo everything we had worked for. They victimized the victim(s) and felt it was their duty to do so, not ever knowing the truth. Yet, even though they could not destroy our love, they still managed to destroy our family, our jobs and income, our lives, our reputations, and take away our home and peace of mind. We fought and lost tens of thousands of dollars, and in the end were shuffled into oblivion and separated by time and space. We lost in almost every possible way.

Yet our love remains, and the only way I have found to keep my sanity was to do what I was faced with in the beginning, which I first thought of and feared to do (loss), and now face with an even harder position... to let go of my husband completely. To release the one I love and give him up to the universe's goals, whatever they may be. For better or for worse. To move on and leave him behind, alone. To abandon the very one that fulfilled my dreams, and made me feel whole, loved, wanted, desired, and who made my heart smile endlessly. The one I love; the one who loves me.

It is the worst kick in the stomach. It is also like kicking someone else when they're down. I have lost him, and have had to lose him yet again. And I feel forced to have to choose this. What kind of choice is this anyway?

One day, if he dies before me, I will lose him yet again. To love and lose someone, over and over, is the saddest thing my heart has ever had to endure, yet it has to be done. Why? I don't know. It just does. I cannot explain it. I don't know the answers - they were not given to me. I only know what I have to do, and that is to move on. To release my will and to let go. To trust in what I cannot see, and cannot change, for whatever greater purpose is there to be done (if such a thing exists... it is comforting to think so).

If something changes in the future, and he is given back to me, then I will smile, yet will know that I will again lose him one day. Nothing in this life is permanent. Nothing is static. The only constant is change itself. The moments we all have now are precious. I have learned to enjoy them. To take nothing for granted.

So I await another dream or premonition that tells me when the universe is done with this phase of our lives, and what the next one will be... whatever that may be, and whoever it involves.

Sometimes the love between two people is perfect. Sometimes things or people in life come in between love, in order to tear it apart. Sometimes both extremes happen within the same relationship, at the same time.

Just whose choice is this anyway?

Oh yes... evidently the choice has been ours all along.

My choice was only delayed rather than avoided. I have learned that we must choose wisely in love. So now I surrender to love.


4 comments:

  1. Beautifully written, Sharon . . .

    And, felt . . .

    K

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow.

    Look at the time stamp on my first comment!

    Looks like a sign from the universe . . .

    K

    ReplyDelete
  3. We are all one . . .

    I was looking at the 11:11, believe it or not!

    K

    ReplyDelete