Monday, May 23, 2011

FOR YOU, NOT TO YOU

I am not doing this to you; I am doing it for you.

There are reasons why I had to let you go…

I dreamt you into my life, and from that moment “my dreams came true because of you” (Shania Twain)

The universe handed us love, in a special basket of blessings, made with care… we took it, caressed it, loved and lived, and enjoyed every minute. All of life’s amazing details started falling into place, perfectly. The synchronicities were beyond chance.

However, early on I had a premonition that a council of people in high up authority would make a horrible and wrongful judgment against us, and I told you that “something bad is going to happen,” and knew that I was faced with a choice right then… either go forward and face it (or try to change it), or let go of the love that had been given to spare us from the grief to come. We chose love. We chose together. I chose, while you watched, listened, and allowed me to make the choice.

Two years later, on the fated date of 06/06/06 it happened… I will not go into the meaning of the number of man’s wicked ways that twisted our beautiful fate into something wretched and pitted. The next 5 of our 7 years together were to be filled with this agony, this misdeed upon our lives, these lies perpetrated by a criminal with a badge. It happened because of things said from the mouth of a confused child, who had been compromised by the confessed criminal next door, which had been improperly and unconstitutionally handled by those in power. Our lives became a wasteland. Desolate. Destroyed. My very soul was broken apart and all the pieces that used to be me became dead, except for the small piece I had been left as.

I chose to hold on that day, and perhaps I should have let go then, when faced with the choice again to let you go. But the loss was already too much, and I feared more loss, and held on in desperation, because of the horror I had seen and experienced. What I had seen in the vision was coming true… and I feared the worst. The key word is FEAR. It became the greatest threat of all, and in trying to “fix” things I made it worse. Instead of letting go I latched on tighter. Absolutely 100% of everything I tried, including to educate myself, backfired in some way, and it all imploded and exploded at the same time, by the end.

That was 2 ½ years ago, and over a year ago I almost let go again… and felt that things would go better if I did. Somehow you needed to process something, and so did I, but alone, separate, rather than together. If it were to last, it had to be broken apart. My being had already been shattered, so what worse could happen, except if I hold on? But my love and worry that you’d be hurt, or that you might hurt yourself, was too much to bear. How could abandoning you at your lowest hour be good? Why was the universe telling me to let go, finally, and yet I could not do it?

Then, just recently, something hit me, and I knew… KNEW… what I had to do, no matter how hard it was, or would be. I had to let go, completely. I had to say goodbye. I had to stop writing, or talking on the phone. I had to move on, and let you go through whatever you were supposed to experience, so that I could also experience whatever it is I am here to do. All the writing to me, and me to you, was keeping me from writing the message that I am supposed to tell the world. Our story. What happened. The gory details. The love given, the love lost. The tragedy. The courage. The real story of loss… and triumph.

So I have had to let you go, not to hurt you, but to save you. To give them the reason to let you go also. You’ve been imprisoned by their hatred, as well as my love. Now a higher love of freedom must ensue, so that you can know that what I do is not done to you, but for you, because you are loved so greatly. Because they will not ever understand it any other way. I cannot be with you, for you. Be free little bird… fly free through the hole in the wall… you are now home free. You are not even mine to keep.



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