I don't want you to feel as alone as I feel. Letting go has been so hard. I have proven I can do it, but it seems so pointless unless it gives you freedom. It certainly has given me freedom - as in, time to write, reflect, focus - but it has not given me freedom to my soul. I feel caged, forced to do what I do not want to do. To be in a place of solitude, as you are, but all within me, because of this horrid separation.
The further I withdraw, the more I see things that remind me of you. Like I am on a rubberband, pulling away from you, only to have it all snap back. I hope it stretches to the point of snapping us back into each others arms rather than to the point of breaking. The band is now overstretched and it is getting weak. Something must change. Time and space between us has been the enemy. We either have to accept that, or make a huge change in our psyche to end this (thing that keeps us apart) at a higher level. I wish for a new dream or premonition as to what is coming. Just to know would make it easier. I know nothing.
I need you now. I needed you yesterday. I know that is not possible and it is breaking my heart. I am afraid I have broken yours. Please tell me you love me. The Shania Twain song "From This Moment On" is the song in my head that invoked and sealed our love when I first came to meet you so long ago, and committed to going through the veil of mysteries about the future, complete with the signs and omens of the birds, the lion, the council. These words would be riddles to anyone but you. Only you understand these things with me. I realize that I had this same vision of the lion/birds almost a decade before we ever met. It was written in the stars. It was our fate no matter what.
We WILL get through it, but only together, even if apart. I will wait for you. I will not abandon you, even if I have to be at a distance for a while. If four more years is what it takes, then fine, but know that I yearn for what I cannot have, and it pains my heart, crushes my psyche, and demolishes my soul. I almost cannot bear it any longer, and hold on because I miss you so incredibly much. There is no one else for me that can ever compare to who you are to me, and the love we share and hold dear.
I pray for an absolute miracle. The universe knows we need one. We have become complacent in our separation. It is time to snap back.
P.S. - I went to the mailbox right now and there was a letter from you, and a birthday card you made for me. Thank you for telling me you love me, and that we’ll make it through this time of separation from each other.