Tuesday, August 23, 2011


I don't think I could survive another marriage.

Four is enough.

Can I even count the first one, on paper, where I never lived with him, because I was 15 and pregnant?

I almost backed out of the second one but my baby was a year old and needed a daddy, and I felt like I was a financial burden to my parents, so I married out of some sick sense of obligation... too embarrassed at age 17 to back out.

The third one lasted 10 years, but I earned every hard year and paid the price of a broken heart, and depression, in order to make it that far; yet I knew it was meant to be... the father of my children--even the one that was not his and still calls him dad.

This last one has been the hardest of all, because the love that has been given has been so true, so very deep, and yet we were ripped apart due to circumstances out of our control, which has been more than we could bear... yet we had to bear it anyway.

I hold on to that love, despite the distance of time and space, despite the odds, despite the lies perpetrated by those working within an uncaring and relentless system... despite the structural violence that victimizes the victims and harms the children, even to the point of violating the legal victims rights (not privilege) that is guaranteed to all but denied to my family.

This marriage, with the greatest potential, has been the most challenging of all. I stay the course, and choose love, because the alternative is unthinkable; and because so many parts of me have died already, that I know there is not enough left to survive if I were to do it all over again. This is the one that was meant to last.

One day... one day all will be different... and the organized crime of the cold machine of the powers that be will no longer be able to squelch the truth, the love, the victory that will be ours.

Why try to survive another marriage another relationship, another failure, when the one I have is yet still intact, despite how it looks on the outside?

They can restrain our bodies, lock us up, shackle our freedom, destroy our livelihood, steal our home, rip us all apart from each other, steal our sanity and health and peace of mind, and even put damaging labels on us--indicative of their slander, libel, and defamation--but they cannot kill our spirits. Even if they kill our bodies they cannot have our spirits. They cannot remove our love, or our choice after their timed part is over, nor can they shut the mouth of a child they harmed who will one day grow into an adult who is destined to bring to light their own karma, which shall seek its own vengeance back upon them via her words of truth. We shall live to see that day. We shall survive it, as it was foretold.

I cannot survive another marriage, because the one I have is worthy of the love that is imbedded within it, perfused and permeated by it.

One is alone, two is double trouble, three is completion, but four is perfection.
I will not leave ("survive") this marriage. Four is enough.

Perfection is LOVE... the love we share that stands the test of time, and survives the space in between.

Separation is not an option; it is a requirement for growth.

Love, here, is realized, accepted, and respected.

Love here returns us to life, forgiveness, healing, wholeness, and brings us home.

It is time to go home.

1 comment:

  1. An Addendum Note:

    Four is enough, and perfection, and worthy of love, yet in the end the idealistic stand to do more than survive, and to love without attachment, to love by letting go, to move forward, is grander than holding on to what cannot be.

    There comes a point where 4 marriages is too much, yet I wake up one day and realize I must consider a 5th... for five is the number of grace. And perhaps it will never fruit, and perhaps the 4th will be my last... but upon waking, I see that none of it really matters.

    Numbers don't matter, and failures are merely stepping stones to the future, where we step forward and meet our destiny, whatever it may be, whenever it may happen, and however it may occur.

    It is okay...