Wednesday, July 27, 2011

SOMETIMES


Sometimes things happen for a reason. At least it feels good to think so.

Being apart from a loved one, for a long time, sometimes makes the heart grow fonder, 
and sometimes it causes a separation that is unavoidably too vast to allow closeness to grow.

Sometimes you have to let go.
And sometimes… sometimes… once you let go completely,
you can realize that you don’t really want to after all.

And it is okay.
It is okay to have let go.
It is okay to return to love.

It is worth saying you’ll wait.

Wait for the separation to end one day.
Wait for the universe to reverse the reasons that were keeping you apart.
Wait with hope and love, and even excitement for the day you join up with this person again, 
whom equally and mutually wants to be with you too.

The difference is that this time you have no expectation on timing, or what, or how. 
It will be whenever and however it will be.

This is the peace I finally feel, after years of being upset and angry and lonely.

Now I am free. 
Free to live, free to experience, free to love without expectations of anything being returned to me. 
If it happens it will happen, and at the right way and time. 
If it doesn’t then I am still free.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. At least it feels good to think so.


Monday, July 18, 2011

REBOUNDING

When is it considered rebounding?

I have been in a relationship for the last 7 years.
We have been married 5 of those 7 years.
We have not lived together the last 2 ½ years of those 5 years.
I have not laid eyes on him the last 1 yr of those 2 ½ years.
I haven’t spoken to him on the phone the last 2 months of that 1 year.
Until the other day, I hadn’t seen a letter from him for the last 1 month.
Little by little, the separation grew, in every possible way.

Time and space divides us.

We are estranged, living in different states, far across the country.

So I let go. Completely.
With no hopes of ever getting together for at least another several years, if then.

So what is rebounding… dating too quickly after the end of a relationship?

What is the end of a relationship?
How long you’ve been together?
How long you’ve been married?
How long you have or haven’t seen your partner?
How long you have or haven’t talked to them on the phone?

Rebounding… is it too quick to date after 2 ½ years of being alone?

Of course, what about if there have been zero dates?
And you are still not sure if you even want to date?
And there is no one around you that you wish to date?

What if there was someone you met at work that you’d *considered* dating, but they were not interested?
Then you don’t work there anymore anyway, so it doesn’t matter.

Is it rebounding then?

What if you still want your husband, but it is fruitless?
What if your husband still wants you, but circumstances dictate it cannot be?

Is it rebounding then?

What is rebounding anyway?

So I wait. I stay alone.

Whatever.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

SEPARATION

I don't want you to feel as alone as I feel. Letting go has been so hard. I have proven I can do it, but it seems so pointless unless it gives you freedom. It certainly has given me freedom - as in, time to write, reflect, focus - but it has not given me freedom to my soul. I feel caged, forced to do what I do not want to do. To be in a place of solitude, as you are, but all within me, because of this horrid separation.

The further I withdraw, the more I see things that remind me of you. Like I am on a rubberband, pulling away from you, only to have it all snap back. I hope it stretches to the point of snapping us back into each others arms rather than to the point of breaking. The band is now overstretched and it is getting weak. Something must change. Time and space between us has been the enemy. We either have to accept that, or make a huge change in our psyche to end this (thing that keeps us apart) at a higher level. I wish for a new dream or premonition as to what is coming. Just to know would make it easier. I know nothing.

I need you now. I needed you yesterday. I know that is not possible and it is breaking my heart. I am afraid I have broken yours. Please tell me you love me. The Shania Twain song "From This Moment On" is the song in my head that invoked and sealed our love when I first came to meet you so long ago, and committed to going through the veil of mysteries about the future, complete with the signs and omens of the birds, the lion, the council. These words would be riddles to anyone but you. Only you understand these things with me. I realize that I had this same vision of the lion/birds almost a decade before we ever met. It was written in the stars. It was our fate no matter what.

We WILL get through it, but only together, even if apart. I will wait for you. I will not abandon you, even if I have to be at a distance for a while. If four more years is what it takes, then fine, but know that I yearn for what I cannot have, and it pains my heart, crushes my psyche, and demolishes my soul. I almost cannot bear it any longer, and hold on because I miss you so incredibly much. There is no one else for me that can ever compare to who you are to me, and the love we share and hold dear.

I pray for an absolute miracle. The universe knows we need one. We have become complacent in our separation. It is time to snap back.

P.S. - I went to the mailbox right now and there was a letter from you, and a birthday card you made for me. Thank you for telling me you love me, and that we’ll make it through this time of separation from each other.