Wednesday, November 30, 2011

2 MARRIAGES, 3 LOVES



Love and Loss, Love and Loss again, and finally Love…

Reflecting on the timeline of my life…

I am now 41 years old. Since age 16, when I first became a mom, I had experienced two marriages where one was on paper only (for legality’s sake), and the other was a mistake (trying to provide for my baby with the wrong person). I was young. Stupid. We live and learn. I don’t count these as anything but lessons learned. I no longer count them as “marriages.” They are gone… POOF! (These don’t count except as the original “4 MARRIAGES” writing mentioned below.)

Since age 21, when I met the man who would be the father of my children (and who raised my first son as his own), I was deeply in love. Yet the marriage had its problems, and after 10 years we divorced (when I was 33). It was a sad day, because I still loved him, but had always questioned whether it was mutual. The choices we made were not always the best ones. We learned, and today we live far apart, yet still co-parent our children. It is a beautiful thing. I am happy with this relationship as it is today, and grateful for the years we had together, and even more thankful for our children, who I am so proud of! There are many qualities in this “first” husband and still remember loving. I grew emotionally because of that relationship.

Then, when I met the man who would be the “husband and lover side of God” in my life, and would love me like no other had previously, it was easy to fall in love and stay in love. A dream and premonitions, and foretelling of events abounded in our lives, and brought us together. I dreamt of the desert greening up and rivers flowing through it. It was two years of bliss before things changed… before the vision commenced. I grew intellectually, and learned that I was worthy of being loved, through that relationship.

Then other circumstances of fate, much out of our control (the biggest premonition I had had in my life!), ripped us apart, much against our will, and tore into our life like a rabid dog from out of nowhere. The wreck of our lives was left to the winds. I woke up one day, after it was all over (the fight of our lives, which took 2 2/3rds years to go from the inciting incident to the climax) with my soul shattered like a clay vessel, and I had to try to pick up the pieces, but I remained in only one of them. Since then, I had to pull back, and reflect, and fully realize my loss, and begin to heal.

It took another year and a half before I realized I needed to get completely away from the very one I loved, in order to heal, because everything about him, and the lives we had to live apart, reminded me of the circumstances that led to that demise. I moved across the country, got a crappy job, and started over. It has been hard, but through circumstances of amazing synchronicity, and the love of my new friends, and being in nature, and surrounded by beauty (the VERY reason I moved, to have beauty and love and peace FILL my life) I have found the place I love to be.

I didn’t try to heal; I simply allowed it.

I learned to love just being ME, and realized what that meant, and who I am. I was completely alone, yet very connected. I had found my bliss. I was not perfect, and that was okay, because that was what it was really all about… full acceptance, wherever and however you are. The kind of depth of love we are willing to give to others, but rarely ourselves… to experience it directly from within, until it emanates without.

The timeline of my healing from the last two marriages, and those two loves, has led me toward a third love.

My latest writings (see below), this year (2011), showed the process of letting go of my last love (my 2nd real husband), pulling back, and finally letting go for good, in order to move forward into new territory…

May 22: CHOICES IN LOVE – What choice do we have when our lives are not our own? When those we love are taken from us? When we lose them, yet still yearn for them? We may not have the choice to control everything, but we can choose to love.

May 23: FOR YOU NOT TO YOU – I let him go, and it was for the best. In order to save him, I had to let him go fully. My thoughts were still on some last kind of ditch attempt to save him from these horrid circumstances. But would it work? Would it be in vain?

May 25: ARCHETYPES STORY – The story of what happened, how, and why. What our life was like during the torrid life we lived during “the case” that ensued into our lives. The legal case became the dry heat of the sandy desert chapping our lips, drying out our bones, leaving us to waste away in the blazing sun, with the blatant lie of “sex offender” written upon the nearby rock that would serve as the unofficial tombstone of our marriage and family. All the greenery that had grown within me disappeared as if global warming had concentrated its efforts solely on our lives.

June 10: WHO UNDERSTANDS? – My resolve to write the book about our story despite the crap it dredges up.

June 15: AT ONE YEAR – Having separated from my husband a month before, I realized that love does not conquer all, and that loving the self brings peace.

I am inclined to have premonitions and dreams that come true, yet I was having none. Nor did I want any. Still, I had a gentle nudging inside, a feeling, or knowing, which I could envision myself in love with someone, and saw myself having to choose between my estranged husband, and some new guy who might in my life (if I so chose). I tried to suppress this feeling.

July 15: SEPARATION – The realization hits that letting him go in order to “save him” may not have been the best reason to separate from a loved one. Yet the universe demanded it, and I listened… yet did not know why it had to be this way.

July 18: REBOUNDING – Wanting to date after moving on, yet still choosing to be alone. (I had let someone know I liked them, but was rejected; so being alone was better than that. Next, I relapsed/rebounded with my estranged husband due to depression from the loss of my job and not being able to find a new one… in my hour of desperation and loneliness I ended my separation with him… instantly regretting doing so, yet I stuck with the decision a while longer anyway, to ride it out and see where it would go. Inside I knew that I should not have done it.)

July 27: SOMETIMES – Peace without expectations for the future. This is a lovely place to be…

August 23: 4 MARRIAGES – My thoughts on my previous relationships, and my last marriage, figuring that having something to hope in that was far away, unreachable, and impossible was idealistically better than having nothing by myself, here and now, or facing changes in the future. (The thought of a 5th marriage one day scared the living daylights out of me, because I felt like a complete failure for having so many, so clung to the idea of staying in the 4th one where it was “safe” and no change, or risk, was necessary… yet I could still picture myself with a new partner in life again someday and felt that if I let go and accepted that possibility in my life it would probably happen. Clinging to the past is not always the best decision.)

By the end of August I decided I should start randomly dating. Change was inevitable. To live single the rest of my life (whether married or divorced), and to remain Sharon “Cornet” forever, seemed like a good idea at the time. I had absolutely zero dating prospects in my line of sight.

Then came the turning point… Sept. 16 I started talking to a man from our online Facebook group whom I had known as an acquaintance for many months, whom suddenly messaged me in private, triggered by our developing conversation that particular evening. We hit it off instantly. I had NO EXPECTATIONS so this budding relationship was a complete surprise outside of my simple “inner knowing” based on me being able to envision myself in a new relationship and in love. I had no idea if this was it. I did not want to know. I did not want label it, or put it into a box, or develop expectations beyond what it was meant to be, in time. Before I met my last husband, I had had dreams, and also put in my own criteria and said prayers, asking for certain things. Through him I got them all (except that one thing). This time around, I wanted it to be completely up to the universe to decide for me. The best gifts are brought into our lives this way.

September 25: ITS COMPLICATED – This fictional writing was highly inspired by a conversation I had with a friend that I had lost contact with over the years, but knew since I was 14 yrs old. He made me realize that I needed to move on in life, without my husband, and go forward, for me. This was another turning point, where I realized I would need to make a decision.

My new guy and I became fast friends, and were planning business ventures together, and since he would be moving soon anyway, he chose to move closer to me. A job brought him within about 2 hours of where I lived, so we got to meet face to face, spend some real time together, and we were able to solidify the relationship we had already been developing. We were now officially boyfriend and girlfriend, although we counted it from the time we “met” 2 weeks earlier (even though we sort of “met” online many months before).

September 25: SOME DAY – Some day I may unite again with my last husband, but not knowing if/when that day will come, and what our relationship will be like by then, it is now allowing my heart to be filled by another in his stead.

I now was ready to make a final choice I had been slowly making all along. It was not just about the two men I loved simultaneously, but about loving myself first… making the best choice for my family and for me in alignment with what the universe had been telling me all along. I made the choice between the two men, and it was not the one I expected or had been in my plans for so long. Yet it felt right. The universe had given me a husband and then had taken him away. EVERY sign and power in the universe had removed all control and ability and said, “Now you have him. Now you don’t,” and in the same voice added the addendum, “This is what love tastes like, but I have something even better in store for you!” Grace was upon my life. My response was finally to accept that. The ending of one thing (loss) is the beginning of another (gain).

October 9: THERE IS A PLACE – The first writing inspired by my new boyfriend, because he is so kind and treats me so well.

October 12: I AM SUNSTAR – Full realization of what I am here to do, and what I am capable of. For me, I chose to move forward and grow my life into a new reality, rather than try to put back the old, broken life. This was KEY in choosing my new love over my old love.

November 29: MOVING FORWARD – A fictional piece, based on fact (the direct quote is something I say occasionally to people who do things that I cannot decide are brave, or stupid, or both, depending… but in reality I never used this quote for my last husband (nor would I ever speak to him like that, in that kind of circumstance), but have said it to a friend or two before, in the right situation, or about other people).

November 30: 2 MARRIAGES 3 LOVES – (this writing)… I loved and lost, then loved and lost again, but am now going forward, into new, uncharted territory, without a fateful premonition except the one “knowing” where I would allow myself to love again, and have to choose between the two men I loved (my estranged husband, and my new boyfriend)… and choose I did!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

MOVING FORWARD

I kissed him one last time, directly on his soft lips…

His hazel eyes met mine as I pulled back to see his face in full view.
I noticed the gleam in his eye, and realized he still loved me,
Yet somehow we knew that it was the last kiss we would have.

He took my hands, and leaned in to kiss me again, but I pulled back,
“You’re either brave, or stupid, one!”
He laughed to hide the seriousness of the moment, which he saw on my face.

I couldn’t do it anymore… the love holding me there.
I had to move on, upwards, forward.
Away.

The past issues had held me back for so long,
Weighing me down like an anchor dragging the sea bottom,
But no more.

I grabbed my keys and jacket, turned, and walked away from him.
I realized the smile on his face was gone, and that I caused it,
Yet I did not stop walking forward…

I merely said goodbye without a glance back in his direction.

I would always love him, I knew, but we simply could not be together.
Not like that, not like that ever again.
Not ever.

He was where he had to be, and I was where I had to be.
Apart. For good.
Only as friends would we ever be united, but no longer as lovers.

My heart had moved on, and I was in love with someone else now.

Someone whom had come to me, whom I met face to face,
Cheek to cheek, lips upon lips, and heart to heart.

Someone whom I would walk side by side with in life,
From this point on.

I knew it was time to move forward, hand in hand, and not look back.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

LOVING YOURSELF

My friend, you say that loving others is easy, and a deep commitment for you, but that loving yourself is the life lesson you still need to learn. To love someone so deeply that you fear losing them, so that you withhold yourself from them, is a common reaction. I used to be this way, To. A. Tee.

I must say it is a dark road, and all it wound up having me do was to withdraw to the point that if I couldn't feel as loved as I needed/required, then I would wind up letting go of the relationship. I have been married multiple times because my love was far more intense, and yet I was the one who pulled away first. Be careful of this.

It wasn't until my last husband whom—having a similar personality to mine—loved me deeply, yet life's circumstances kept us apart, and we had a tragedy in our lives, so deep and disturbing that I could not bare who I saw myself as being in that circumstance (I was highly suicidal and self-loathing was profound).

What I learned is that I had to, unfortunately, lose proximity to that man who loved me as no other had, and distance myself from everything that the circumstances reminded me of, in order to heal. Self-love has been coming since then (especially this year), and I now know my worth, my value, with or without someone who cares or sees me for the real me. It matters not if they know.

I KNOW. That is all that matters.

It is unlikely anyone could ever truly know every deep particle of my soul, just as you cannot be known (by *most* others) as deeply as you know yourself... but you CAN love yourself, every part, every piece, in the most holistic way you are able. By doing so you will be more forgiving, and accepting, and yes, it will improve your ability to love others, even though you already know how.

I find myself having a vast amount of peace and joy in my life, despite that my life is still recuperating from the issues of the past. I am now in a wonderful relationship with a man (also with a similar personality as mine) whom brings to me the most amazing and genuine love, with a gentleness and acceptance that exceeds my most amazing dreams. Yet we are still human, both of us, and so we just go forward, one day at a time, and love sincerely.

I think that letting go of expectations has helped tremendously... just enjoying life, and your significant other, and what you share (rather than worrying about what you lack). It's a matter of what you focus on, my dear friend; you are worthy of being loved, and yes, loving the self is the key to realizing that who you are is so much more, and needs to be so much less, than how you view yourself at this insignificant moment in time.

Years from now, you will see this more clearly. It is very hard for me to explain.

Just BREATHE, relax, and enjoy!!!

Loving yourself should be that easy.