Tuesday, January 24, 2012
It hits me in the heart, and deep in the stomach. I remember it well, this feeling of gut-wrenching emotional pain. It strikes like a sudden thrust of a sword, straight into the center of my being when I feel someone pull away, or appear as such. Separation anxiety is not just a scab to the spirit, it is the ripping energy that opens the sore back up, exposing the bleeding fresh and new, within an old, old wound, reopened over time again and again.
Thinking on the past, and how we were married and lived as lovers, and how the thought of you pulling away would have made me feel that anxiety, that stripping away of my soul. Yet you were not the one to do it. I did it to you instead.
Here I sit on the brink of divorce, having taken so many steps toward that end over the last few years. You, who were taken from me years ago, and then I who moved across the country to “fix” myself and heal from the open wounds that came from that separation. First you left my presence, but not by your own volition. Then me, whom left your presence, this time by my choice. What kind of wife was I? What kind of person am I now, to leave for good? In every possible way except the right one? Am I shallow, or weak, or of immoral character? My demons eat at me, gnawing like gremlins at the metal of my cold heart.
Yet every choice is fraught with pros and cons, for nothing is ever perfect or balanced or even unbalanced completely – every extreme is weighed by some opposites. We had many opposites involved, and the legal case agreed with the universe this time, that 100% of our efforts would be fruitless, and would fail, or would backbite with a consequence beyond our ability to deal with it. We lived to that end of us, which was the beginning of the end of us now, today, through this divorce. I file the paperwork very soon. I will send it to you to sign, so it can be filed… 90 days seems like such a long time, but compared to the last few years it will fly by. A marriage on paper, over distance, through time. I feel I am at the beginning, and a new cycle has come upon me.
Today I read about someone else’s separation anxiety, and whoa(!) did it dredge up the memories in me. Why I fell apart when you were removed from my life. It spurred a letter to all our mutual friends, to tell them why you and I must remain friends yet be divorced as husband and wife. I have moved on. It was past time.
I have healed, and I know that this is true, because your separation from me, although bringing up memories from the wounds of the past, they simply remain in the past and I do not feel that same open wound that I did then. I am able to let go of you now. I am able to relieve the tension between us that has been there through my step-wise fashion of allowing you to move on without me, and vice versa. Yet somehow I feel that the separation anxiety is now being felt by you, because of me. I blame myself. I understand the guilt. I accept the consequences. I know it must be done. This time you were holding on, and I just simply lost my grip. I opened my hand, and released your last hold on me. And all this time I thought it was I that was holding on, holding everything together…
You, and I, not being the only ones with separation anxiety – it must be known that we’ve all felt it in the past; we’ve all gone through it as children, and as adults. Most everyone, this separation anxiety. I am always the one to let go first. I always leave. This time I didn’t want to, yet I felt forced by the powers that be. It took me years, but I finally gave in. I have let you go. It is done. I see your hand grasping for me, and finally dropping down by your side, also giving in. It must be, because the powers of the universe demanded it long ago, and it took us this long to see it. Your destiny is now complete. Now you can be free. Free of me. I am also free of you. We are free, together, by being fully apart. By letting go, and being completely separate. Whatever fated us together, also fated us toward this end. It was foretold, yet we refused to give in to it for the longest time.
So now, while you sit and cry, going through your separation anxiety, while preparing your way into the future that will be yours, and yours alone, I sit and write, and go through a different kind of anxiety. One subdued, while learning to trust in knowledge of knowing, and realizing the gut that shows baggage can truly be shed, and that hearts can mend, and trust again.
I just pray that the man who holds me now, will hold me until the end of time in grace and love, and not let me go the way I have let you go. I pray he holds me tightly, forever, and that neither of us (he and I) ever have to feel this kind of separation anxiety again. Even more so it is my greatest wish that I don’t let go of him the way I have to you. He will not let me go if I tried. This is why I am here. This is why if I feel any old-wound pangs of temporary separation anxiety, nudged from the past, but that do not belong in the present, and refuse to enter the future, that they will fade, because I shall choose to sit by him and not leave him alone. I have learned this lesson only recently; to stay… to find compassion that wipes away separation anxiety in one single stroke. So easily it was felt and realized. Such grace upon my life now. It falls upon me like a soft, warm blanket being spread out over my soul and within my entire being.
Separation anxiety no longer has a place here. The wounds are old, and healed, and none of life’s blunt strikes can open it asunder. The lives affected move on and see new growth, new life, and new power. New love brings separation anxiety to its knees, and the karmic end to our (your and my) life together has closed a hole in time that was overdue. It is done. Separation anxiety no more.