Sunday, September 23, 2012

SPINELESS

Today I was called spineless...

Many project onto others their own fears
of being this or that...
in this case, being a wimp, or weak,
not standing up for one's principles...

Today, though, it was true.
I was spineless, but not for what I was thought to be spineless for.

I talked big, and put my foot down, and chose "no" to a situation,
then suddenly appeared to give in and say "yes" anyway.

Spineless; that was one of several words I heard about my behavior.

In reality, my excuse is much worse.

Worse than merely changing my mind,
and not communicating effectively,
that I had weighed out a reason in my head,
to be able to do part of it,
rather than all of it,
and then doing that,
when I had previously said I wouldn't do any of it.

In reality I am spineless for a different reason,
because I knew you wouldn't approve of me doing it at all...

So I acted it out and found initial reasons to not do it,
when in fact, I wanted to, and was afraid to say so.

I found a loophole,
and justified it when I shouldn't have.
I found a reason to change it for my own purposes.

Yet it is not any less true,
I am spineless; you are correct...
just not for the reason you originally thought.

I was not spineless because I changed my mind and didn't explain it...

I was not spineless because I did what I said I wouldn't do.

I was spineless because I was afraid of telling you the truth.

I feared your judgment against me,
your energy that bulldozes me at times,
without a chance to make excuses I shouldn't make anyway,
filled with authority,
that I respect highly...

You are entirely correct; I was spineless.

And now I know something more about myself.

And I know something more about you too...

I know how you see me,

But now I know why...

When it comes to you, I am indeed spineless.
No wonder you saw it all this time,
and waited until the perfect moment to tell me.

But the sign we saw was of "judgment of grace"...

Today, I was judged as spineless.
But I was forgiven.
And quickly...

It was forgotten, by you most of all,
but not by me right away...
I had to wallow in it for a while, and consider it, and write about it before I could get it out of my system.

I have, at times, been my own worst judge, and critic, and enemy.
I don't want that. I gave that up, so why pick it up now?

Grace is given, and accepted, so that is all.

I will work on not being spineless with you anymore...

I just hope the bitch in me has a flexible enough spine...! ;)

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