Thursday, December 26, 2013

THE PRICE OF SUCCESS


She lay there in the darkness alone, awake due to the violent thoughts in her mind of him being mad at her for not succeeding in the task he set out for her to do.

She knew he was teaching her a lesson with his persistent ways... his insistence could be swift, rough, and hard to take. His verbal spankings would mimic something real. His emotional attacks and put-downs would tear her soul apart, piece by piece.

Sometimes she wondered if there had been a violation to her soul so deep in the past (this life or before) that it has made her able to take a lot of chronic pain (like the sports injury to her hip when she was in high school), to the point of reliving it over and over.

Almost like when he come down on her too hard emotionally, again and again, so that she needed physical pain to match what it felt like inside.

She don't know from whence it came, only that it was... It felt sometimes as if a burden to carry this kind of desire for punishment, or dread that she could not meet the deadlines to pacify him.

The pressure was on... Tomorrow would start the next wave of tedious regimens and she had much trepidation and fear, and at the same time welcomed the severity of angst and disappointment and disapproval from him if she couldn't meet the goal.

She chose not to tell him what the symbolic acts were--to alleviate the inner turmoil--that played out in her head.

There would be no room for forgiveness, for there was no room for not succeeding.

But all of this was in her head, she figured, for all he said in his sweetness to her was, "Do this." The rest, all worry and fretting, as well as making sure the work was done, was her own creation and responsibility. Alone it was her task. Alone she would have to carry it out.

She knew the pressure was real, but did it have to be? Was she making it worse than it had to be?

She viewed the images in her head, with his words becoming tyrannical demands...
his energies turning into slaps on the face...
his repeated commands morphing into smacks on her body and rear as he bent her over away from him...
his violation so thick and severe that it was like fucking her in the ass...
while holding her hair with both hands and yanking to keep her under control...
commanding, demanding, forcing, taking, raping, violating, repeatedly...
making her comply...
telling her what she had done wrong and making her admit it...
telling her what he wanted done right, his way, and requiring her to obey...
having his way with her until he was good and done, until he finished deep inside her soul...

until she cried out in pain, and gave in completely to his whims...
then, only then, would he be satisfied.

All of it was make believe.
Except in her head.

The violent acts of her pain, against herself, perpetrated by the fall guy that she created in her fantasies.

This requirement was not a man, but was the cost of success.
It was the price she had to pay to succeed.
It was success, itself.

Bend to its will, or fail, said he.
What choice did she have, but to obey?

Monday, December 16, 2013

SECRET HEALING WATERS LAKE IN CAVE OF LIGHTS


Peaceful Valley is where it happened. Carl flew into the airport and landed there, taking a taxi directly to the heart of town. Bustling and full of energy, the city moved to its own rhythm day and night, with lights glowing even in the dead of winter.

On the outskirts of town, where the buildings ended and the green pastures began, were two places that he visited after he arrived... an energy production plant, pumping out BTU's to the town's host of occupants, and a huge area that served as a city park, which also hosted the organic garden tended by the volunteers of the city. It was at the energy plant where it started by Carl, but it ended at the Peaceful Valley Park, in a well-hidden and secret area that only a couple people knew about.

Carl was an honest man, upright, of good standing, always doing what he felt was right. Yet he was also unassuming, quiet, gentle-natured, but with an inner passion that he rarely let others see. To those that knew him, Carl could also appear, at times, as selfish or unbending in what he wanted.

What Carl secretly wanted was money and power, and he good life that came with it.

What Carl did, however, was purely done because of serendipity.

He swooped into town that day, visiting the energy plant to possibly purchase it, but instead bought the entire town of Peaceful Valley. He did it fast, the entire ordeal lasting only five days from beginning to end. Why? Because he could. Because he wanted it. Because once he made a decision there was no reason to wait. Because what he found there was a treasure to his soul and would bring riches to his life.

"I want to buy the plant now," he told the owner, Solara. She was thrilled since it had been up for sale for two years, and because she knew Carl and knew he would take care of it.

Solara had inherited the plant from her late uncle and she really did not fully know what she had gotten herself into until it was too late. "It's a thorn in my side," she admitted quite surprised at herself for telling her prospective buyer, whom was also her friend, that she didn't want the plant because of all the work involved.

"The only reason I can deal with it is because of the waterfall and hydro plant that is down by the park that is part of this deal. But that is only part of it; there is a secret cave there, you know, and out of it are healing waters," Solara blurted, again astonished at her candor to reveal it so easily to him; but it felt right.

Carl turned from looking at the blueprints he had been observing in her office, "Healing? Do tell." Solara knew she had already said too much, but it was a secret that could not die with her... and what did she care, for as long as she could go there in the future, who would be the wiser if he knew about it too? It was a long standing family secret. It was now hers, however, and her's alone, and she could share the information with anyone she wished.

Solara had known Carl for the entire two-year jaunt she had the plant, and understood his nature. She knew she could trust him, which is why she offered it up to him.

The chances of going in there to find the secret cave were slim for anyone outside of being in the know, and could be a process wrought with danger. The waterfall itself could kill you with its incredible power. Rushing down at great speed and force, one would have to penetrate its force in order to discover the cave behind it. It was an old limestone cave, ancient and carved out by the waters that used to run through it but now ran over it.

Inside the cave was a lake, and point of light that shone from above through the earth in natural holes that were riddled in the limestone from erosion. They looked like stars in a night sky, except that the light shone like a plethora of parallel beams of golden light striking the placid blue-green waters below. Due to this, small plant life grew, mosses and mushrooms, and rare plants. The unique environment blossomed amazing healing qualities within it that penetrated the waters.

The lake itself was deep, and the ceiling of the cave was high. To stand inside, which she had done a million times throughout her life, was something that kept her in awe. To drink of this water could heal you of ailments and sickness, and prolong life.

The energy-producing power plant and rushing waterfall on the outside of the cave always seemed far away, as if in another world. She longed to be in the cave, and to show Carl this secret place of hers.

Solara's thoughts went back on Carl as she watched his face turn from one of near unbelief, to one of desire. She knew she had gotten his interest.

So that is how it happened, how Carl bought the town of Peaceful Valley, which included the park. He did this because after he signed the paperwork to buy the plant from Solara, and she showed him the secret entrance into the cave through the old hollow oak by the base of the waterfall, he realized that the cave was actually on the park property, not the hydro plant that sat next to it.

Carl wanted to own it, and keep it forever. Once he had visited this place, he never wanted to leave.

Now the secret was his and hers to share together, and the still and deep waters inside the cave, along with the busy town nearby, and the main energy plant were his as well.

Solara took him to the lake inside the cave, this otherworldly place, and together they swam in the cool water, drank from the spring pool, and sat upon its bank eating a picnic lunch in the streams of light coming from above. Dimly lit, it was a wonderland, a surreal place of absolute beauty.

Carl now knew the real reason he had come to Peaceful Valley, and why he owned it. It was not really about money or power at all (although he had that in the plant and city), but about healing, peace, beauty, and a long life filled with secret treasures worth more than gold. Yes, he figured he would stay a while with Solara there...

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

CRUELTY BEGETS CRUELTY

Do abusers recognize they are abusers? I have a friend in New Jersey who is divorcing her husband because of "extreme cruelty," which is evidently a popular reason for divorcing there.

He is evidently abusive in ways that are unseen to most people, except on the rare occasion... a super nice guy on the outside, but behind closed doors he can be tyrannical, domineering, a dictator, demanding, has a temper, rides her constantly, nitpicking and nagging about the same things over and over, is mean, demeaning, calls her names, compares her with people he thinks are 'idiots' or whatever, and the list goes on and on.

Yet she says that he thinks this is not only 'natural' behavior, but that she is 'expected' to take it, and if she doesn't he considers her 'weak.' But if she fights back, or denies anything, there is hell to pay because he has to be right and he finds ways of making her seem wrong. It's the 'ultimate ego trip' says she.

What gets me (and her) is that he doesn't GET IT... he has no idea he's an abuser. His form of abuse is harder to prove in a court of law for divorce proceedings because it is often (but not always) unseen, and leaves no marks on the body, but can leave scars on the soul. It is the drama of the abuse that affects the mental state, emotional security, and very spirit of the person that is affected by such mental cruelty.

Here is a website I looked up from that state with a list of reasons why someone can divorce someone else for 'extreme cruelty' in the state of NJ. If you want to see the whole list, just copy and paste the link here http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/newjersey/what-is-extreme-cruelty-and-how-do-i-prove-it--3945.shtml, since I am only including the relevant parts here:

Embarrassing, humiliating experiences (public and private)
Personality hang-ups and conflicts
cold shoulder treatment
domineering spouse
Arguments caused by husband
Bad temper
Mental illness, neurotic behavior, emotional stability
Provocation and retaliation
Indifference
Lack of affection
Nagging

So why is he this way? Personality, perhaps, but often these things are learned behavior. He was a peacemaker growing up and admits his parents fought a lot, and so even though he tried to keep the peace (make peace) between them, his image of what was 'normal' for parents/a couple to act like together involved plenty of loud fights, so he naturally assumed the position.

His own marriage, over time, became like his parents' was, and his one personality flaw was that his issues were learned mostly from his mother. She appeared one way in public, and yet kept him walking on eggshells most of his life, to the point that he became avoidant. His timidity was overridden by a deep well of anger that seethed under a calm surface. More like a pit of bubbling magma ready to explode out of the earth like a volcano, erupting fast and hard and rough, and lasting a while as it bled onto the earth.

He acted like he didn't know, but my friend said that his real anger did not come out the same until after they were married... almost like he hid it well until he knew it was 'safe' to let it out. Once they were married it was too late.

She wondered if she had made a mistake... if she had married the wrong person, or just not the right person. She spent years questioning her own motives, and trying to make the relationship work, but money was usually the cause of his outbursts, and he was a control freak about every penny. She felt like she was being kept in a cage, unable to move or breathe.

Does this sound familiar to you? If it does then know that she did file for divorce and separated from her cruel husband. "It was just not worth being miserable all the time," she told me.

"He still doesn't even realize he's mentally and emotionally unstable. He's been abusing for so long and doesn't realize that it was because he was abused for even longer, to the point that he thought it was 'normal'" she said.

It is too late for her, since even separating did not make him change or wise up. It is likely that he'll either find another victim to abuse later if he remarries, or he'll stay alone the rest of his life because most women these days are wisening up to the fact that a bad relationship growing up as a kid can screw up your own relationships once you grow up.

Cruelty is no laughing matter. It is still abuse and there is no excuse for it.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

WILLOWS WEEPING FOR LOVE


This deep longing waits patiently
like the taproots of a thousand weeping willows
saddened and hanging down
by time and growth
seeking out light above
yet can only reach toward the ground...

Weariness sets in
and hopes float down like leaves falling in autumn
as I wait for my love
to be by my side
and for me to be by his
stuck in one place for too long...

Down I fall, unable to see
My vision blurs, and the focus is asleep
like slowly awaking from the anesthetic of life
and dreams to come
which pass through time
and so I lie here unable to move...

Then a shadow comes by
a tall figure cloaked in black
a long coat touches the ground
and he walks around my prone body
and I think it is Death himself
but my curiosity gets the best of me...

I reach out to know
I seek solace and understanding
since I cannot see the truth
and touch the hem of his coat
and my hand can feel his ankle
hard and rough, for it is bone and flesh...

Not a dream, but living flesh
and a voice from above this reality
speaks out to me, in gentleness
"Everything is going to be okay;
I love you very much."
And I realize it is he whom I've been waiting for...

This man of mystery
shrouded in the complications of life
and simple desires that string us along
and wire us together in love
stands before me, for he has come
and I no longer have to be alone. He is here...

Breaking through the gateway
and obstacles overcome
so that once close enough
one can see the opening
and the sinews of promises kept, remain
and the willows no longer weep, except for joy!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

THANKS TO MY SUGAR DADDY

In honor of my love
who is my greatest supporter
especially in all the "little things"...

You are my Sugar Daddy
the one I prayed for
who came at the exact right time
and saved me
from myself

Thank you for getting me
for taking me
and keeping me

No matter what happens
You always come through for me

Because of you
my spirit is willing
to listen
to reflect
to submit to your truth
to allow your energy
to lead us
through to the end

You take care
of yourself
and you take care
of me

All the little things
basic needs
I need
are supported
so that I can focus
on the bigger things
that need to be done
for us

Thank you my love
Thank you for your support
and your reliability
your sweet spirit
and gentleness
and regal flair
that stands out above and beyond
all others

Thank you
I appreciate you
and am grateful for you

My love
my man
my Sugar Daddy

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

SHE AND HE: THE EXCHANGE

Said she - remark
Said he - rebuttal

She disagreed
He insisted
She searched to explain
He closed doors

Felt she - cornered
Felt he - ignored
She was pressured
He was opinionated
Saw she - narrowmindedness
Saw he - outrage

She was angered
He was intolerant
She was turned off
He was persistent

She became argumentative
He became manipulative

She was defensive, irritated
He was manipulative, impatient
She - guilt
He - vexed

She got quiet
He got bossy

She avoided
He corrected
She felt resentful
He felt annoyed

She felt wronged
He felt right

Uncomfortable, she
Direct, he

no words from her
many words from him

she made him silent
he made her answer

she caved
he insinuated
she answered passively
he answered passionately

she complied
he won

she was sorry
he was forgiving

she gained respect
he gained respect

HER...
independence became dependence
distrust to trust
controlling to being controlled
defensive to willing
rejection to acceptance
turned off to turned on
anger to contriteness
fear to love
disdain to reverence
upset to contentment
intolerance to delight
irritated to soothed
guilt to relief
storm to calm
hatred to pleasure
uncomfortable to enjoyable

HIM...
protective
trusted
in control
satisfied
validated
turned on
sorry
loving
adoring
satisfied
happy
relaxed
silly
relieved
desirous
manly

She listened
He responded

They kissed
They made up...

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

INSOMNIA


Amazing what one thinks about when waking up in the night...

insomnia...
concerns...
worries...
fretting...

like making a list, and checking it twice

ensuring all is taken care of

covering all bases

taking care of business
when business has no business entering in
and disturbing my sleep

yet until it is done, I cannot rest

so I sit up and plan
and make my list
and write things down
including this blog for this month

insomnia sucks donkeys
LOL

glad I'm done now

goodnight :)

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Sensitive spots - STOP IT!


Sensitive spots hurt when touched

STOP IT! Don't touch them...

I learn not to...

I reject the notion...

Doors shut instantaneously
and the words cut off

Whether eggs on the face for tattling,
or no place for children when one gets hurt,
or talking too much because criticism is painful,

it is clear that sensitive spots
should be left well enough alone

STOP IT! Don't touch them...

Sensitive spots hurt when touched

I touched a few times too many

STOP IT! Don't touch them...

Sensitive spots

Saturday, July 27, 2013

SHAMANIC VISION REVISITED

Recently I wrote about a shamanic vision I had when I went "under" and journeyed into the netherworld of my own inner consciousness... in this vision I saw a number of things from white moths to animals, a windy road leading to a house, numbers (1 and 2) and words (beach), and a green grassy hill overlooking ocean water. My question before doing the journey was where I would buy my first property for real estate investing.

So here's the vision I had, and now I know what they mean...

VISION: A moth flying... gentle, with soft off-white wings... it simply flew peacefully, and I followed:

MEANING: This moth has become a symbol of "real estate" to me. It is a "lesser" of the flying insects, meaning not as beautiful as a butterfly, but still beautiful in its own right. After having this vision I started seeing white moths EVERYWHERE! I knew that finding property was imminent! (side note: One day I saw a white moth fly in front of me and land on the road, and a bird (I connect with birds) flew in quickly and nabbed it. I took it as a sign that I needed to nab a property while I could!)

VISION: It lead me to a winding road up on a cliff edge next to water. I then saw a document with the number 1 and 2 next to each other. I took this to mean a property contract. I then saw another paper that said "beach" very clearly. I then knew that the property would be near the ocean. I then saw a dog, with brown and black on it, sort of poodle-like... I followed this dog and it took me to a house by the water:

MEANING: So the winding road up on the hillside associated with a contract with the numbers 1-2, with a view of the beach/ocean was obvious. It was the dog who led me to it. A dog is a messenger, a best friend. My best friend is my business partner in our real estate efforts... in fact, it was he who found a property (among others) online one day as I was talking about staying in a town on the west side of Puget Sound in Washington. So he represents the dog, or vice versa. All the properties he found did not fly, numbers-wise, except that ONE. To get to this city one has to drive all the way south of Seattle, down and around and through Tacoma, and then cross the narrows bridge, and go north a little ways, around a curvy road, and finally to a town called Bremerton. This house, or rather two duplexes (although you really only see one from the side as you approach it), is up on the side of a hill, overlooking the ocean (Puget Sound to be more exact, which is an inlet where ocean water comes in) and beach area down below. I was going to offer $90K for this house, but something in my gut said to offer 120K instead, because it had the "magic numbers" of 1 and 2--in that order--from my vision. Turns out that this offer was lower than the owner wanted, but he said he would accept it if I could bring cash to the table before anyone else closed on it. I had not done this before--searching for hard money, JV (joint venture) partners, or private money for this kind of investment, so I was running around frantically talking to people, following up on leads, going to REAPS meetings (two in one week, which happened to be about hard money lending, and where I learned about "gap" funding). The offer of $120K that I made set me on a path to finding hard money for the deal, which was approved. Ultimately, I had to up it to $130K because the other people were offering full price at $5K above even that, but I could close sooner, so I knew it would fly. Interestingly, concerning the numbers 1,2, the two addresses for the duplexes at the property start with 1201 and 1203.

VISION: I saw it in profile, and the front door faced the ocean. It was a fairly large house, very nice. I want to get into multi-family apartments, but have considered a multi-plex, so did not know (having a profile view) if this was one.

MEANING: I assumed the door was facing the ocean because I did not see the door, and it did not appear to be at the back (right) side either. In fact, the first duplex looks like a standard house, just like in my vision. It is on a hill overlooking the beach/ocean. The front door is not at the front like I assumed, nor is it at the back, but on the non-visible side, in between the two duplexes; however, I was curious in the vision if there were "more" to the "house" and indeed in real life the second duplex is behind the first one. In fact, the front door on that one DOES face the ocean, and the door to the bottom unit is just around the corner on the back side, almost at the front corner, which also faces the ocean. This second duplex is the hidden value that I could not see in the vision of just arriving to the property. So far every part of my vision has come true...

VISION: I then saw a cat's form of a head, and noticed the ears in particular. This is my land animal spirit, primal, and cunning, keen and curious. This is one of my many predator and power animals. It can also denote fear. However, the ears are for hearing (ever watch a cat's ears move when it is listening and paying attention to the sounds it hears? They move around like radar dishes picking up on things people usually miss!).

MEANING: I kept my ear to the ground, listened to every lead I could, and followed up. I also now have this property under contract and am within about 2 weeks of closing on it! I have to say that it's both fun and exciting, but also a little scary! I think the cat spirit fits this scenario well here. Cats are also my power animal, despite feeling a little fear, and just the other day a strange cat walked up to me and sat in my lap, so I pet him a while.

VISION: In my vision I next saw a T-rex type of standing dino up on a hill, perhaps at a park, which was just bones like in a museum, with the sunset shining through (the sun was literally on the other side shining at me through the bones). I thought of "bare bones" and "solid core" at the same time; however, this part semi-confused me as to its full meaning.

MEANING: I would not have understood this if it were not what happened to me today while I was at the property. I had to show the 4-plex to two contractors to obtain bids for the immense amount of work that needs to be done to rehab the property. So the day is sunny, and one guy comes and leaves 2 1/2 hrs later, and then after lunch another guy comes with his girlfriend and her little 3-yr old daughter, and they wait while I spend time showing him around. Then after we talk in-depth about the property he decides to start taking measurements, making floorplan drawings with notes, and the day drags on. I step outside to get some water out of my car, and the little girl--totally bored to death--and her mother are standing on the porch area above the hilltop where the 4-plex stands, and the mother tells the little girl to show me the little "animals" she has in her pockets. She had trouble pulling one out, so I reach down and pull one out that is sticking slightly out of the edge, and I ask about it.... what is it? A T-rex shaped dinosaur, but it is only bones! The afternoon was getting late, and I stood there in the sun holding this thing, not even remembering my vision of the dinosaur bones from my shamanic journey! It wasn't until I got home today and reread what I had written before about the vision, that I realized what this was! As it turns out, this contractor is the same guy I had already decided in my head that I would likely hire. The "bare bones" and "solid core" are not just about the dinosaur toy, but also about the 4-plex, because this place has been totally gutted, and is just the "core" of the building, stripped of everything inside. It needs everything from heaters, paint, flooring, windows, interior and exterior doors, some roof repair, electrical work, etc.

VISION: After this I had one more vision of being up on the hill/cliff area overlooking the water. I had a view of the ocean before me (I assumed the house was nearby but I did not look), which lay past a sidewalk and bench and wooden arbor and plants that were all carefully placed together as a little created place of rest and beauty. This scene stood for a long while, vivid in detail and beautiful!

MEANING: If you stand in between the two buildings, just below the porch, you are on the edge of hill that slopes down toward the trees at the edge of the property. Two weeks ago this grass was very green, although today I noticed it was brown from lack of water in the heat wave we've been having, since the current owner has not been watering it. I was realizing today, as I walked around outside, that this was the very spot I saw the bench and arbor and plants in my vision. I stood there thinking about how it overlooked the ocean, although the view of the water from this property partially concealed. In fact, I figured where the bench would be put, if I so chose to build one and put a wooden arbor in... when I stood in the very spot where the bench FELT like it needed to be, I looked up and there was the beautiful ocean view from that very spot! It is also important to note that this whole vision is a FUTURE vision of what is TO BE... not just the journey of what I am currently working on buying, but that I have not given up and have continued to pursue it against all odds (believe me I wanted to give up several times from frustration on finding funding, and not knowing what in the heck I was doing some of the time!), simply because I had a vision of it. When I have visions, they happen. The vision of what is "meant to be" kept me going. I know what this property is supposed to look like in the future... for in my vision it is painted beautifully, NOT as it is now... ugly as sin... the bare bones core of a structure needing tons of work.

VISION: Lastly, a dragonfly came to me... it is a good omen for me, because I have communed with dragonflies (boy are they smart!) and connect well with them. This is also another variance symbol of the "dragon" aspect (dinosaurs are also "dragons" in Chinese mythology).

MEANING: This part of the vision is still a mystery to me, and probably has to do with the completion of this project. A dragonfly landed on my nose the other day while I was swimming in the lake, lying on my back floating. I guess it thought I was an island, or a lily pad of sorts. Dragonflies are good omens for me. They are predators, and they fly in the air, and so they represent both power and freedom to me, and they are beautiful, which is what this property is going to be when I am done with it.

This vision was an excellent sign for my future, indeed!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

BRAISING THE STEAKS OF DISPARAGE

It seems the stakes for marriage are raised these days…

I call it now, braising the steaks of disparage, for that is what has to happen.

You see, I have to fire up my stove of life, throw the meat of my own flesh upon it, turn up the heat and fry it up, and then cover it with water and a lid and stew it a good long time until it is tender and finally ready to consume. Only this way does it taste better. Only this way will it be worth the time and effort. Only this way will the end product be worth the wait.

It is a sacrifice of self, for a future possible marriage.

It is a sacrifice that burns upon an altar of belief.

Marriage is a sacrifice. But while some sacrifices of mine have been made by getting married, this time the sacrifices must come in order to be married... one day.

It is a marriage of the soul to the universe, yet are we worthy to contend?

Of course. For the universe is all things, and it is all things that I desire.

It is representative of the greatest energy of LOVE. It is the archetype of the twin flames, the woman, the man, the King, the Queen.

Positions of highest stature. Nothing less will do.

All love, all purity, all energy, all manifestation, all peace, and freedom from all of the material burdens that have held back and kept my soul and mind seemingly unworthy of achieving what I envisioned myself to have.

What has kept it from me? Me.

Disparage. It means to make of low worth, originally meaning to degrade (by marriage) below one’s class, or marry below one’s class.

No King should have to marry the servant, or the commoner. No Queen should do the same.

Disparage, in this case, is the sacrifice that must occur before any new marriage of greater exaltation.

Even engagement is put off until the steaks have been braised.

I never thought my self-worth would be a factor, but it is.

I never thought my limitations in my goals mattered, but they do.

I never realized that raising the goals would affect me so deeply, but they have.

I did not raise them. They were raised for me.

When we met we discussed marriage… and decided it was for us.

Yet when several months passed, the rules seemed to change. 21 months later, financial freedom is the goal, before even an inkling of marriage or promises could come to pass.

I stand here blinking innocently as to what happened?

Am I unworthy as I am?

I am worthy. But I must meet that worth with goals befitting of a Queen.

Otherwise it would be disparage on his part, but his standards are high.

My self-worth needs to be raised.

My sacrifices are imminent.

I stand at the precipice of the frying pan, ready to jump into the fire. I fall. I land and sear my flesh. I do it because there is no alternative.

Everything must follow the recipe.

The rules of searing one’s life into something greater. Doing more with your time than merely wasting it continually. Setting goals and following the plan. Braising your steak.

Cover it with new emotions of dedication.

Put the lid of purity upon it, to keep out all things that would invade or let the flavor out.

Let it stew… cook… simmer for a good long time.

This is the real work before it is done.

Energy. It takes energy to heat and sustain that heat for any length of time.

But the recipe demands it.

Braise your meat, sacrifice your old self for something greater.

To become.

We become every day…

We manifest that which we choose by our own default setting.

To change the default is to braise.

To braise the steaks of our life.

To braise it so that disparage will turn into something worth eating.

No use crying in the sacrifice. For that reality is old, and not of the new, or of the reward that will become.

There is something beautiful about cooking. For it transforms raw flesh into something that raises the senses of smell and taste and flavor and desire!

Would you rather eat the raw flesh of lowly living, or the braised steak of disparage that has been transformed into a meal fit for a King?

He will eat of me…

I am his Queen; it’s time to start playing the part.

It is time to live it.

He will eat of me…

And I will be worth the wait. But then, he will too.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

EVEN THAT ONE TIME...


Hearts are funny things...

They love abundantly
can be hurt tremendously
can grow
can share
can forgive...

I wish my heart had been wiser sometimes
In the past, and even now...

We live and learn
we fall in love
we fall out of love

Sometimes we love and are betrayed
and are so hurt we close off our heart
until we can move beyond it
and heal...

But then there's that one
who stands above all the rest
and you never know
if that love might be lost one day

It happened to me
and I never thought I could love like that again

Yet I did
I do...

But I don't judge the same way I used to
for if I had done the things
that I once judged others for
I would have considered myself a bad person
or a hypocrite at least

Popular as it may be
Love is not a concept
Dare I say not a feeling?

Love is a decision

Love is a decision to do the right thing
for the person you love
regardless of yourself

Love moves beyond
and manifests great things
and holds dear the wisdom
when it seeks its own kind

This love I hold today
is vast and deep
yet I pray that this one
whom I love
will be as forgiving of me
and will love me to the end

I hope he will decide
to choose
to love me
even if I make mistakes

Even that one time...

Sunday, April 28, 2013

MY DREAM...

Sometimes you have to have a dream, a vision, an image of what you want your future to be like.

Picturing it is a very good way to manifest what you want into being.

Whether it be love...
Whether it be a house...
or a certain lifestyle...
or a family...
a special trip...
or money...

Whatever your heart desires, that is your dream.

You, my dear man, are my dream...

I want you! I love you!

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

SHAMANIC JOURNEY TO A HOUSE ON THE BEACH

Shamanic journeying for properties by the beach? It sounds weird, but my experience is thus!

You see, real estate investing is fairly new to me (property ownership, building, repairs, landlording, etc. are not), and prices here on the Pacific northwest coast are excruciating--even in a down market--compared to other places. I figured I would have to go inland, to the east side of the Cascade mountains, perhaps to an emerging market in Spokane, WA or the growing Tri-cities area. I even considered the market back in El Paso, TX where I'm from. Yesterday my online searches were tumultuous, and tiring.

I was having a hard time deciding, so I awoke this morning and chose to do a shamanic journey, which is listening to drumming that takes you into a theta brain-wave state, similar to self-hypnosis, and I went to the upper world for the "best and highest use" of myself to request WHERE I should invest in my first property deal.

Here's what I saw in my shamanic vision...

I sat in the water a while and immersed myself in that feeling of being surrounded by that essence... then I moved into the cool earth to go deeper... then I flew up into the sky, into the clouds, and wanted to look down to see the earth's surface as a map, hoping that a pinpoint of light or some indication of "where" would show up. Instead I saw something else.

A moth flying... gentle, with soft off-white wings. Generally bugs and insects are to be avoided (I especially don't like spiders--they mean change, or that a change is coming or needed, even a move--spiders help me so I stay afraid since they have saved my life in the past by biting me (sounds strange, I know)). But bugs are usually not good in shamanic visioning, especially if they have teeth or bite. This one bore no teeth or fangs or stingers... it simply flew peacefully, and I followed.

It lead me to a winding road up on a cliff edge next to water. I then saw a document before me that had my name on it, and a number like 1.2 or something (these are my numbers I see often and synchronistically in real life). I took this to mean a property contract. I then saw another paper that said "beach" very clearly. I then knew that the property would be near the ocean.

I then saw a dog, with brown and black on it, sort of poodle-like (I don't care for poodles much, but this was a mixed-breed with someone else) that might be owned by a lady. I followed this dog and it took me to a house by the water. I saw it in profile, and the front door faced the ocean. It was a fairly large house, very nice. I want to get into multi-family apartments, but have considered a multi-plex, so did not know (having a profile view) if this was one or not, but hoped so.

I then saw a cat's form of a head, and noticed the ears in particular. This is my land animal spirit, primal, and cunning, keen and curious. This is one of my many predator and power animals. It can also denote fear. However, the ears are for hearing (ever watch a cat's ears move when it is listening and paying attention to the sounds it hears? They move around like radar dishes picking up on things people usually miss!).

Now my normal animal spirit (mythological in this case) for RE investing is a type of fire-breathing dragon with wings, which is symbolic for several things I utilize in life towards this goal. However, like the old traditional Chinese beliefs of "dragon bones" (fossilized bones dug out of the earth strata), dragons used to be "real" but were technically remnants of dinosaurs.

In my vision I next saw a T-rex type of standing dino up on a hill, perhaps at a park, which was just bones like in a museum, with the sunset shining through (the sun was literally on the other side shining at me through the bones). I thought of "bare bones" and "solid core" at the same time; however, this part semi-confused me as to its full meaning. Perhaps it, like many symbols and signs I see in dreams or real life, will have a meaning that will come to me later. This happens commonly for me... and these "mystery" symbols often have the most meaning for me since I dwell on them longer and keep them close to my heart until they are revealed at the right time.

After this I had one more vision of being up on the hill/cliff area overlooking the water. I had a view of the ocean before me (I assumed the house was nearby but I did not look), which lay past a sidewalk and bench and wooden arbor and plants that were all carefully placed together as a little created place of rest and beauty. This scene stood for a long while, vivid in detail and beautiful!

Lastly, a dragonfly came to me. This is one of my spirit animals in the insect realm (I have at least one for each realm--only my water animals, the sun star, and manta ray, are not predators, and so they mean "peace" for me--I am also a triple water sign in natal chart astrology, which is not necessarily an easy burden to bear since it means being an HSP (highly sensitive person), quite emotional and deep deep deep feeling. Sometimes my emotions well up like a spring and spill over like flowing water, even love, so I have plenty to share!).

So my dragonfly, although another insect, is a good omen for me, because I have communed with dragonflies (boy are they smart!) and connect well with them. This is also another variance symbol of the "dragon" aspect. All of these animals and types are shadows and symbols of archetypal figures, realize!

So that is my vision for real estate investing. I am looking forward to seeing where this leads me in real life, and how long it takes for me to get there (or perhaps not long at all). I don't know if I will live at this place, or if it is to be a stepping stone. Perhaps both?! Perhaps neither. Perhaps it is a mere symbols of good things to come since my goal is to eventually live by the water (I'd be happy with a lake or other fresh water since I typically prefer fresh water and protective trees to salt water and wind).

No matter what, this vision was an excellent sign for my future!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

CONTROL OVER MY BODY

Georgette sat completely alone in a room full of people, swept her bangs from her eyes with her right hand, and spoke out only in her mind, “Robert, what is happening to me? What did you do to me? Please help me understand… I can’t control it, for you have ripped yourself a path into my soul and taken over my body and brought it to rapturous delight.”

Georgette was sitting among friends at the party, yet thinking about the fight she and Robert had earlier that week. She pulled off her delicate white sandals and put them next to her chair, then slid her bare feet into the hot bubbling water for part of a pedicure. Why she didn’t listen to his advice in business matters, and how upset she made him, was all she could focus on. And now something strange was happening to her body… down below… and it was awakening her red basal chakra of love, sex, passion, and survival. It was raw. Lustful. Powerful. Reactive. It was instinctual.

Georgette thought she got sexually excited before when Robert would climb over top of her, but now… wow! There’s something about how thoughts of him seized her mind, causing her to feel his commanding presence, his strength, and how it turned her on. “But this is why I got quite a display of myself tonight at the party!” she thought as she shifted her weight in her chair, allowing the vibration on her feet to ensue. She hoped no one had noticed her discomfort in realizing that no pedicure could come close to the effect Robert had on her.

Her conversation to her Robert-who-wasn’t-there continued in her thoughts as she desperately tried to figure out what had happened to her. She ran the conversation over again in her mind. “I think it had to do with how you withdrew and then pushed me away, making me leave the house that first time a week ago. After picking up my clothes and belongings off the porch where you threw them, I ran to my friend’s house to be consoled but just couldn’t sleep all night. Not a wink. Most all of the next day I was awake; I only got to nap for one hour. Thank God that you let me come home that evening to sleep in your arms. To hold me again…”

Georgette knew she just couldn’t take the rejection the second time. “When you threw me out again two days later, I just packed everything up and left, as you know. I gave up because I thought you had given up on me. You told me to go away a second time, after you promised you wouldn’t do it again, and it hurt me deeply. I thought you broke up with me for good this time because you never break promises. I didn’t feel the punishment fit the crime. I realized that you still weren’t totally over what brought it on the first time. I should have stayed away and given you more time.” She wanted to blame him for her inner pain, but also realized it was a fruitless endeavor in real life. Robert would not put up with that kind of behavior from her anyway.

Her energy became contrite, especially when she had found out he hadn’t abandoned her at all, let alone forever. He had merely needed space. Georgette knew he now had this power over her… over her mind and over her body. Just thinking about Robert made her so incredibly hot! Her body was still aching for him like a cat in heat. It happened just minutes before, right there in the party room at the lodge with a dozen or more other women lingering, chatting, and painting each others’ fingernails.

Georgette had asked Robert for forgiveness and he had given it, absolutely. “I completely forgive you sweetie,” were his words. She cherished them. She cherished him. “Thank you so much for loving me. I simply cannot take your love and attention for granted,” she thought, smiling once again. She knew she had caused him to push her away, but then he had also pulled her back. She lost him, yet he found her.

And that is when his power elevated up and over her… it towered and hovered over Georgette’s body like a thick, heavy reliable blanket that wrapped her up safe and secure, strong and proud, warm and soft. That is when she found a new respect for Robert, and became so grateful for his love! People were sitting and mulling all around Georgette in the room, but none of them knew she was somewhere else, enveloped by his essence.

That’s how it happened, she realized. It was her alone time without Robert that made her devotion grow. It was the anxiety of their separation that drew her back into line; back under his wing, where he wanted her. He wanted one thing, and she was the only one who could give it to him. She remembered his frustration when he yelled, “No one ever listens to me! Not my family, not my friends, not even my girlfriend! Why won’t anyone listen to me?” She suddenly understood his problem. He needed to feel important, heard, obeyed. If he was not worthy in everyone’s eyes, then at least he was in hers. She was determined that he would never again feel pushed aside, or like what he said didn’t matter. She had ignored his advice previously and it had taken its toll, on both of them.

It was this act, this decision, which had both pulled them apart, and brought them back together. Georgette thought of this ability she had to give Robert back his own power… not just power in general, but specifically, his power over her. After all, she had handed it to him and then snatched it right out of his hands through her insolence! She knew it was how he could reject her so fully and then snap her back to him, not once, but twice! He had kicked her out of the house two times that week because she didn’t listen. He would not have it any more. It was like she had cut off his penis, or cracked his balls between her thighs, she figured.

She could not dishonor him again in that way. His all-out rejection of her was like the instant rush of riding down the steep track on a roller coaster… she fell fast and hard. She thought… One moment you’re up at the top, and the next you’re shooting like a bullet down to the very bottom, when suddenly you’re jerked up to the top again with full gravity upon you, pulling down on your facial muscles and pushing your ass down into the seat. All you can do is hold on for life! Two full hills of this, and I was done for.

The fall is important, for it feeds the climb. But most important is the climb back up to happiness, she thought. “My dear man, like the roller coaster, it is as if your very will over me is the gravity that I feel pushing me down hard, while the momentum of your words and actions pull me up from underneath, so that both forces work against each other to propel me from normalcy, to complete overflow as the intensity shoves any common emotions out of the way, like a river continually pushing a waterfall over the edge… yet this river of emotions climbs uphill! It is channeled like a wellspring of clear water that is overflowing from out of the rocks in the cold earth, issuing forth to daylight. And once it surfaces, and settles into a pool, and I look for my reflection, all I can see is you.”

Georgette pulled her feet out from the warm water and dried them off with a towel. She did not want a full pedicure. Grabbing up her white sandals, but not putting them on, she walked over to the leather loveseat, pulled her feet up onto the cushion, and cuddled up one of the large striped pillows into her arms. She positioned her head forward, allowing her chin to rest on the pillow’s plush surface.

There she was. Sitting by herself on the emotional roller coaster that Robert put her on, despite the fact that she was actually surrounded by a hoard of happy-go-lucky females wearing sarongs and flip flops. She looked around. Mud masks on women’s faces encompassed her, drying like goggles of green paint around their eyes, on their noses, cheeks, and chin and foreheads. Other women were having their feet in bath salts in the vibrating foot massage water tubs, taking their turn after her.

The room smelled of chocolate-covered strawberries, chewy chocolate chip chocolate brownies and cookies set out on large round white plates on the long table. Fresh veggies and spinach-artichoke dip were present to go with the crackers and bread. Pink party ribbons were strung out along the ceiling, with fake fanciful dragonflies and butterflies hanging in the lodge windows. A single vase full of a dozen white roses with pink tips echoed like a whisper of love and all things beautiful.

Aglow around the dimmed room were candles galore. Soft jazz music playing in the background as two ladies sitting on the dark brown leather sofa across from her both smiled and simultaneously took a sip out of their wine glasses. A blazing fire warmed the room, visible through the glass-front on the woodstove at the other end of the large room. Women were heartily laughing and talking, some temporarily wearing wax on their hands, and others smoothing lotion on each other’s feet. The sun had gone down already, and only the moonlight reflected on the lake, which was visible outside the huge picture windows that lined the east side of the room.

There Georgette sat. Instantly becoming aware that as thoughts of Robert rose in her mind, her vagina also swelled up tightly. What had he done to her by rejecting her so violently, when all he wanted was for her to do what no one else would do? Listen. Her remorse overwhelmed her. She fully felt his raw roller coaster of power thrusting her into that moment of ecstasy despite these ladies’ presence in the room, these friends of hers who barely noticed she was living inside her head. For a moment, she also forgot they existed. Only Robert was on her mind.

Perhaps it was his winning smile, or his kind heart, or his unwavering willingness to forgive even if he lost his temper and had trouble containing his grief and disappointment in Georgette. Am I harder on myself than you were on me? she wondered. She knew he was truly her grace. He always accepted her, and showed concern for her, even after she had written him off. Even after she had ignored him for two days and vowed not to see him again unless he came back crawling on his hands and knees. But he simply cared, and nothing more, or less. His usual chipper “Good morning sugarplum!” message to her each morning rang out a cheer to her heart, and Georgette could not stay away. She could not will herself to ignore her sweet Robert a minute longer. Her thoughts were so loud she almost verbalized it publicly, “Am I going mad? And here I thought you were the one who needed counseling for your emotional instability!”

Georgette was drawn out of her protective rejection-shell as if she were blood pouring from an open wound, spilling out her life to the ground, crying for forgiveness even though she thought Robert was the one who needed to apologize. What good was she to stand her ground and not give in when she was the one being negative, and he was merely concerned for her safety? Yes, he was the strong one. The one with the iron will. She felt like a child, vulnerable, weak, fearful, undisciplined, and immature. But she would have to prove herself stronger next time… or else! She had to do it for him. She had to do it for herself.

Suddenly Georgette had a full-blown vision of Robert, naked before her, and he was facing her. His body, upright and solid, pressed forward toward hers. Robert’s bare masculine shoulders made her breathe him in deeply, while his chest touched her naked breasts gently, oh so gently. He seemed so statuesque before her! His arms opened and wrapped themselves around her, his hands grasping tightly to her arse, pulling her to him with a refined and confident grip, which made her ovaries pulse and her vagina quiver. She started to whimper verbally, giving in to his intentions…

“Shut up and take it!” She knew he meant it. Her breath fluttered as her eyes grew wide and her body submitted. Raw power emanated from Robert’s presence, entering her like a spirit entering an empty body that was expectantly awaiting its return. She felt his groin swell alongside her own; his rod pushed against her abdomen. Robert lowered his member down between Georgette’s legs, adjusting his body to match her height, and she began feeling his shaft rubbing rhythmically against her swollen, hungry pearl. It was then that he kissed her, deep and passionately. She waited expectantly for him to enter her…

Georgette instantly felt wet! Deep, penetrating wetness took hold of her body and the flood gates were opened! Robert affected her body in ways that she had not experienced before, yet he was nowhere to be seen except in the fantasy of her mind’s eye. He controlled her emotions and her body from a distance, via an image of his presence, fastened like a video playing continually on the screen of her mind. His virtual presence so obviously etching a permanent image into her soul and heart. She was bound to him, and he was not letting her go. Nor did she want him to. Georgette felt safe… even better, she felt lubricious!

She looked up suddenly upon hearing someone laugh. Thank God they are not laughing at me! No one was looking Georgette’s way, so she stood, taking notice that she was dripping in her own slime. The wetness between her legs was like an opaque rain during a squall, kicking up thirty-foot high waves on the ocean shore in the most humid part of an already steaming-hot summer. Georgette made her quick exit to the bathroom, covering her body with her gold-and-red-threaded sarong and keeping her legs together so the storm would not land its evidence on the lodge floor.

She wiped her highly viscous and slick juices with several huge wads of toilet paper before she felt dry enough to return to the women’s spa party. Georgette had to keep Robert off of her mind or else she was going to lose all of her usual rebellion to him… yet that is what she desired most of all; to obey him without arguing or causing consternation. It was almost all gone now. How could she fight with him? He wasn’t even physically present in the room, and wasn’t even talking to her or in her face, yet he still had dominance over her, via her own mind. The mere thought of his penis was like experiencing a spice worm that bore its length into her innermost being, bringing her to ecstasy.

Like a fish to a fisherman, she was obviously hooked. A willing victim to his short-term whims, his decisions for their future, and his continual influence in her life. Robert’s sweet spirit was like food for her, and she consumed and ate him up! She relished that she was subject to his will over her… that she could trust his judgment and know that he would not for a second put up with her crap, nor would he let her go that easily. He was there to keep her accountable, because he loved her. His punishment was strong and swift and effective. Robert’s affections were tender and compassionate, yet his authority like a monolith that stood alone before her, ready to enter her with sweet aggression again and again… deep from behind, forcefully from the front, and ever so gently and lovingly, filling her up from within when she needed it most.

Sometimes Georgette really did need a good hard fuck! And Robert was the man to do it.

She loved it! She loved her man. Never before had anyone had this kind of power over her. Never before had anyone programmed her very soul to create this level of control over her. All she wanted to do was to please him. To make him proud of her again. To hear him call her his girl. To listen to him sing to her, to do what he advises, and to feel him snuggle up with her at night.

The party with all the women in the room was great, but it didn’t compare to the party Georgette was having within the walls of her own mind because of uncompromising thoughts of her very own Robert.

He would decide when she came, when she would go… and she would happily do his bidding…

“You truly do have control over me… my mind… over my body.”

She would not only allow it, but so would he; neither of them would have it any other way.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

BIONIC EYES TO MADNESS



The Vision:

In my vision you looked at me, your face became digitalized with electronic marks on it, then laser beams came out of your eyes and into mine. It overwhelmed me because of the intensity and I came out ("woke up") of seeing the vision. It freaked me out because NEVER have I had a vision that clear. It was uncomfortable. It was more than I could handle. That is the part that scared me.

My early interpretation:

So the big deal is the laser beams coming out of your eyes and into me... and the digital face with little circuit boards and microchip looking features all over. I KNEW it had to do with electronics or some type of electronic device or mode (I chocked it up to being skype since I see your electronic face there every day) but the laser beams are what threw me...

The timing:

So the date 12-3-12 came. The day of my divorce. It was "my time" to be with you fully finally. That day I was on my way home and heard that announcement on the radio (an electronic device) that had a man talking about a new laser beam technology (another electronic device) in a cell phone (could also be used in a tablet or computer, all of which are also electronic devices) where the little electronic "eye" is programmed to your eyes so that it recognizes your eye movements. Then once that occurs you can move your eyes and "tell" the cellular phone what to do. You can push buttons, move things around, and do whatever you can do normally with a cell phone, even type or text, all using your eyes only, totally hands free. I was riveted listening to this announcement on the radio because it was so unique. I was awed by it. Then I heard the lady tell about her experience using the laser device. She said, "I did what it said and it wouldn't program to my eye movements. Twice I tried but with no luck. Then finally it worked! I now think it's wild that I can move my eyes around and it will do exactly what I 'tell' it to do! Everything I look at, it follows. Every little thing I want, it does. It's amazing! It feels so weird because it was like LASER BEAMS WERE COMING OUT OF MY EYES!" <-- That is the sentence that got me. I immediately knew, on the spot, that the universe was telling me that THIS was the information I had been waiting to hear. Because it was connected to my vision. This vision was like a premonition, because I KNEW it was about something that was going to happen.

What it means:

It is control. The bionic eyes are fully about control, and controlling the thing being looked at (in this case, your eyes/will controlling me). A hands-free laser-eye application on a cell phone allows one to control the device using only your eyes, hands-free (you could also call it hands-off technology). It has to be programmed in order for it to work. Programming, evidently, takes a little while and possibly a few attempts before it "takes." Once done, you own it... it's yours to use as you wish. My vision was of you, and your eyes, having the laser beams coming out of them. One might think this is bad that you would try to control my every little move in this way, and it is. But who’s responsible here?

My responsibility:

The bionic eyes vision means, symbolically, you are the "user of the device" since it is your eyes doing the controlling of the device and its functions. In order for you to be like the lady in the example you would have to first be programmed by the laser program. The user's eyes must meet the laser and be programmed, and then control the device using the laser, based on that programming. Since your eyes met mine, and were like "laser beams coming out of your eyes" that means I am the laser part and the program within the device. You are the user of the device. I am the laser "eye" that did the programming. Bottom line: I programmed you to control me, although you chose to allow it, and abuse the power (abuse me).

Trust:

I have been practicing listening. Listening to the universe. Listening to advice from people. Listening to you. I listen when I feel safe and trust the source. Since the bionic eyes hit me for the first time, however, I have not felt so safe. I felt the intensity to extreme measures, and like how it was enough to wake me up instantly out of the vision when it occurred, I had a hard, hard time with it when it happened in real life. I fought at first, and then listened, and realized you meant well, but your impatience and anger and negative words dug into my soul and made me feel attacked and demeaned and belittled. I was suddenly treated like a small child who was retarded and being picked on by neighborhood bullies. I withdrew, but I also worked on listening. Things have only gotten worse since then. I see you now. I see what you need...

Bipolar?:

What kind of madness is this? I’ve come to learn is the bipolar tendencies that are part of this controlling behavior, which is not what I expected, yet I am not surprised, looking back. You have a need to be alone now, and I am willing to allow it. Alone you want, alone you got! During this time, get a hold of this imbalance and find help. It is the only way I can possibly be there again. I can be there with you and for you, but you have to do it if you ever want this relationship to work. I have dealt with this sickness in others I’ve known, and these extremes are too much for my sensitive soul to bear, at least when I’m the one taking the brunt of it. Denial will not save you. Admitting there is a problem, and it is affecting our relationship, and DOING something about it is paramount. Otherwise you will probably be alone for the rest of your life. It is why you are alone still, and why you are alone tonight. I also know all you really want is to be loved and accepted and not rejected. I am not rejecting you, for you rejected me by throwing me out the door. Hurt me once, shame on you. I said it was more than I could bear and not to do it again. Hurt me twice, shame on me. I left. I am merely doing what you asked… letting you be alone. Fully. It’s what you wanted... remember?

Next steps:

I need time to think about what comes next. I only do what I’m told when I feel safe. I no longer feel safe, but attacked. By wanting to listen it opened up this attacker-victim mode in you and I take full responsibility for the part I played. When do you listen and when do you not? How much do we allow? Do I allow abuse? No. I will not allow it. I love you enough to not enable abusive behavior. I love myself enough to not allow it to occur again. Great strides were taken and benefited by both of us when I listened. But now… I just don’t know anymore. I need a break to breathe and feel safe again. I feel like I am in love with a madman…

Madness:

You are my love. You are my madness… my listening helped… my quiet contrite spirit quelled your anger… yet when I argued it made things worse. Who is more mad, the one with the madness, or the one being made mad from the madness? You are mad. Angry. Bipolar or borderline. I don’t know anymore. I just know I have a choice, and am unsure which route to choose.

You are my love…

You are my madness…

Madness song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhvtRykqpQk

Sunday, March 3, 2013

HAVING TIME

Sometimes you don’t realize what is important until it is taken away.

Time. Time is important to me. I had lots of it, but have been so scattered in my energies, going this way and that, doing that and this, and staying so busy that all my time is eaten up so that I don’t have enough time after all.

Simple things. Keeping it simple now.

Get one old project out of the way.

Focus on one short-term and one-long term priorities, simultaneously.

That’s it.

Everything else must fall to the wayside, including my books… all the traveling to here and there for meetings or events or seminars.

Canceling them all.

Time to focus.

Time to regroup.

Time management.

Time to have time.

Time to make time for the important things.

It is simply time.

(sigh) now I have time…

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

ARE YOU ENCULTURATED TO BE A VICTIM?

Most people do not understand their own enculturation. Enculturation an anthropological term (anthropology is the study of human beings), and it is one of my favorite words because MOST people (nearly all, in fact) don't even realize they are enculturated.

Everyone is enculturated. You, me, EVERYONE (the exception is feral children who never had the the chance to really learn, and act like animals by grunting due to a lack of enculturation).

Culture is learned behavior. Victimization is part of our culture.

Enculturation is how we learn it... it's what we repeat (habits/habituation) because we've learned it.

Everything from speaking our first words as babies, to having "instinctual" reactions as adults, to our attitudes about politics, how to handle money, what we expect our clothes to look like for certain social situations, etc., is learned. Sometimes we learn it on our own, but almost all of the time we have picked it up from someone, somewhere.

Victimization is also learned behavior. People usually feel victimized by someone who has power (often someone they see as "better" or has "authority") over them, and hurts them in some way. Sometimes this occurs by force, but also, often, it is done by agreement, even if it is not consensual. What do I mean by this? It means that...

Victimization is a choice.

Yes, there are times when one cannot stop a force stronger than they (sometimes it is like trying to stop a tsunami by standing on the beach in front of the wave with your arms out to prevent the wave from going past... it's simply not going to happen!). The US criminal "justice" system can be like this by overwhelming innocent people. On a smaller scale, individuals can overpower others, such as a rapist threatening to kill their victim if they don't do what they're told. In circumstances where the powerful override the powerless, it can be devastating. Still, to remain in a victim mentality, rather than become stronger for it, is a choice.

In a situation that is less ominous, such as when we refer to other people who we think of as "experts" or having some kind of status or heavy weight (leaders of the country, public figures, authorities on certain subjects, and so on) in things they say, then it becomes even more obvious that we simply agree with them, because we've been conditioned toward that slant or POV (point of view).

It is not just group behavior that follows the leader(s), but individuals as well.

With few exceptions, almost all people mirror others they agree with, even if the ones they agree with are a minority. Consensus gives people a feeling of belonging, or a sense of exclusivity within rare or unique groups, or even a feeling of commonality and normalcy for the rest of society. This can be within a country, or community, a church, school, job, AA meeting, women's defense class, a club or group meeting, etc.

It was once "normal" and "right" for American society to own people (slaves/men owning women, etc.), and now it is "normal" to not have slaves (being against the law, plus womens' rights groups enculturated the masses through education) and so these things are now considered "wrong."

Our society has changed those views because the trends have changed, and the attitudes with them. When we are in agreement with others it makes us feel complacent, and comfortable, and that things are "right" with the world, and of course all these things are relative to the time and place and society in which each culture is shared. There is nothing wrong with feeling a sense of belonging, but we must also realize that we are enculturated through that process, for better or for worse.

Some people, who are addicted to feelings of superiority, or have a lack of respect for authority... or think they are the authority, such as choleric (aggressive/bossy) type personalities who must be one-up over others. These independent or rebellious types of people typically only feel "normal" by taking an adverse position to the rest of society. What some consider leaders are actually just anti-authoritarian, because they merely think their way is right, and it justifies their position to have people agree with them.

There are always a ton of "sheeple" around who are willing to follow their lead.

Religions even do this, and pit one view against another, each thinking they are the correct or only "true" belief system or set of practices. In politics we fine the same phenomenon, which is why Americans, in particular, are so split and divided amongst themselves.

Individualism--common in western society--promotes self-reliance (although groups will grow upon factions), while collectivism--common in eastern cultures--is usually of the big reasons for groupthink.

There is nothing new under the sun... but the sun will rise tomorrow.

Any thing that you see happening now, has basically happened before. Countries come and go. Leaders die or are kicked out. Parents get old and die and the next generation takes over. It all boils down to cycles and patterns.

You have periods of stasis, and periods of change. For societies, political upheaval brings quick change, where stasis brings a sense of peace and productive living (if it is positive stasis), or prolonged periods of horrid living conditions and attitudes (if it is negative stasis).

Stasis (no change) can be good or bad. Upheaval (change) can be positive or negative, or somewhere in between. It is all just cyclic, and relative.

The labels we assign to whether it is "good" or "bad" are dependent upon circumstances and our relation and attitude towards it.

For instance, take the real estate market... you have periods where selling of houses is declining, or sitting still, or on the rise. It is pretty predictable. Real estate investors prefer to "buy low" and "sell high" in order to make a profit. Sometimes it is better to buy-and-hold, and other times it is better to do a rehab and sell right away. The smart ones recognize and can predict these things, and go with the flow by doing what is needed at any given time in any particular cycle.

People and attitudes, revolution, or support for the status quo, are all "normal" no matter what position they are in, or what part of the cycle they are in. It all still falls under similar patterns of normal human behavior.

Most people are enculturated to follow rather than lead.

Most people are followers, not leaders. Average people, therefore, are also more likely to fall into victim (follower) mentality or mindsets. Only the few tend to lead the masses. This is partly enculturated and partly groupthink, and partly how people are designed--personality traits are built-in from birth. Yet it is what we learn--our culture--that defines how that is directed, and so culture is far more of an indicator as to what people will do, and how they act and react, than biology is.

Leaders typically will stand out in a crowd, or step up. Sometimes leadership is learned. Introverts have a completely different leading style than extroverts, and are not normally the ones who offer to lead, yet they often do a better job, at least in some areas.

Now that you've got a clear understanding about how people tend to be followers (victims of their circumstances, which are highly enculturated), rather than leaders, I can show an example of how this is true, even in something as simple as a speed limit sign. No matter where you live in the country, the keeping of the status quo (stasis of enculturation) is represented in the national speed limit rules for our general highways. It was once okay to go 70-80mph, but one day it was backed up by "evidence from studies" (an appeal to authority) that 55mph was "best" or "most efficient speed" and so the speed laws were changed.

This was specifically designed around the cars of the day--which were far more inefficient and heavy-bodied--and the poor gas mileage they would get. The savings in money due to reduced gasoline sales was incredible due to forcing drivers to slow down. Supposedly the roads were safer due to less accidents as well... at least this was what we were all enculturated to think. Cars are not made the same now as they were decades ago, and people break in their new cars differently (both variables of change), so that is why my own car (Hyundai) only gets 1mpg more in gas mileage at 55mph than it does at 70mph. Yet, we still have highways with signs that say 55mph (with the exception of freeways/interstates, which are set by the states, individually).

One day we'll have flying cars run by automated and pre-programmed GPS, and the rules will all change again. As in geology and evolution, where change is extremely gradual (gradualism), or where it occurs fairly rapidly, or has successive changes one right after the other (punctuated equilibrium), how this change for flying cars comes about will depend on society, and how fast technology is advanced, as well as how quickly the market keeps up and a system can be put into place for the masses. The year is 2013 and I remember as a kid growing up in the 1970's that we all thought we would have flying cars by now. Perhaps that idea was also enculturated by television and media? You better believe it! (but don't follow me and just believe what I say--check it out for yourself. Be aware of what you are taught, or accept)

Everything is relative when it comes to enculturation.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When driving in heavy traffic, do as the rest of traffic does. When I'm on the highway, and the speed limit is 70, it makes sense to do 70, especially if doing less is not saving me a substantial amount of money. It is more safe to go with the flow of traffic than to slow it too far down, causing road rage in other drivers, or by driving too fast, which can cause accidents as well.

When driving in Mexico it makes more sense to drive assertively and by their "rule" of no-rules, or else you get into accidents. Interestingly, Mexico and other countries with similar road rules, have few accidents even though they drive far closer (usually within inches or less, especially in the inner cities) than Americans or Canadians do... you may have noticed this in developing nations if you've ever driven in them. It's all relative to the culture, and the norms. The fact that we have so much space between cars is actually enculturated behavior.

Americans, in particular, tend to keep about 18" of space between themselves and other people when they are talking face to face. We like, and need, and expect (due to our upbringing and the norms within our society) respect for individualism, and that space between people. Other cultures in different countries will get up almost eye to eye and speak in your face, spitting while talking, complete with bad breath and funk emanating from their armpits (Americans also have an issue with 'smells') and think nothing of it. It is all relative. It's not that one way is better than another, it's just different. You can change your culture because you can change what you learn, and learn a new way.

Norms are not bad or good, they are just norms, whatever side they are on.

What is "normal" or "right" or "good" is completely relative to the culture in which is defined. The labels we assign are dependent upon the part of the cycle we are in, and what position we take within that cycle. If we lose a job we "love" and our house is being foreclosed upon in a declining market because it cannot be sold, then it is "bad" and we feel like a victim. However, if we lose a job we "hate" and we find a buyer in that same declining market, just in the nick of time, and actually make a profit due to having equity, then it is "good" and we feel like we've come out on top. Same cycles, different perspective, which is completely reliant (relative) to the position we are in. Most followers let their circumstances dictate their perspective.

The position we take in any cycle is relative to our ATTITUDE.

I've lost everything in the past.. my kids, my home, my husband, my job, my freedom, my sense of self-worth, etc. My attitude was very negative and I became a victim of my circumstances at the time, and I wound up with PTSD due to the extreme stress and bottoming out with a nervous breakdown. I whined and complained, I cried and made excuses. I acted out the part of a complete victim. I WAS the victim. I also chose it because of my attitude. I didn't know my own power.

Today, it appears that I've "lost" it all again... my kids lived with me and now they don't, the husband I lost the first time I wound up divorcing because we could not be together the last four years (so lost him again), I was laid off and on unemployment, could not afford the house I lived in so had to move out, and so on, but this time I am stronger for it. This time I have let go of hanging on to old notions or things that seemed important to me. I refused to be a victim of my circumstances. I made wiser choices with a goal ahead of me rather than cry because things have changed from the past or situations I could not control.

In fact, I did find I had a fair amount of control over my destiny, and moving out of my house has FREED me from being stuck in a follower/victim mentality of having to have "more" and I am actually so much happier having "less." I have found that these changes are definitely for the better!

I've learned that the mindset of victimization is enculturated in our society, and that loss does not have to be "bad." My 80 lbs in weight loss (so far) is a perfect example! Sometimes it is the necessary ingredient for lasting change. Change is good. In fact, change is the only real constant... the only thing we can definitely count on. I welcome change. I also welcome a new enculturation that I either teach myself, or learn from more successful people whom I emulate. Sometimes following is a good thing. We follow a new way so that we may lead others in it.