Sunday, March 10, 2013

CONTROL OVER MY BODY

Georgette sat completely alone in a room full of people, swept her bangs from her eyes with her right hand, and spoke out only in her mind, “Robert, what is happening to me? What did you do to me? Please help me understand… I can’t control it, for you have ripped yourself a path into my soul and taken over my body and brought it to rapturous delight.”

Georgette was sitting among friends at the party, yet thinking about the fight she and Robert had earlier that week. She pulled off her delicate white sandals and put them next to her chair, then slid her bare feet into the hot bubbling water for part of a pedicure. Why she didn’t listen to his advice in business matters, and how upset she made him, was all she could focus on. And now something strange was happening to her body… down below… and it was awakening her red basal chakra of love, sex, passion, and survival. It was raw. Lustful. Powerful. Reactive. It was instinctual.

Georgette thought she got sexually excited before when Robert would climb over top of her, but now… wow! There’s something about how thoughts of him seized her mind, causing her to feel his commanding presence, his strength, and how it turned her on. “But this is why I got quite a display of myself tonight at the party!” she thought as she shifted her weight in her chair, allowing the vibration on her feet to ensue. She hoped no one had noticed her discomfort in realizing that no pedicure could come close to the effect Robert had on her.

Her conversation to her Robert-who-wasn’t-there continued in her thoughts as she desperately tried to figure out what had happened to her. She ran the conversation over again in her mind. “I think it had to do with how you withdrew and then pushed me away, making me leave the house that first time a week ago. After picking up my clothes and belongings off the porch where you threw them, I ran to my friend’s house to be consoled but just couldn’t sleep all night. Not a wink. Most all of the next day I was awake; I only got to nap for one hour. Thank God that you let me come home that evening to sleep in your arms. To hold me again…”

Georgette knew she just couldn’t take the rejection the second time. “When you threw me out again two days later, I just packed everything up and left, as you know. I gave up because I thought you had given up on me. You told me to go away a second time, after you promised you wouldn’t do it again, and it hurt me deeply. I thought you broke up with me for good this time because you never break promises. I didn’t feel the punishment fit the crime. I realized that you still weren’t totally over what brought it on the first time. I should have stayed away and given you more time.” She wanted to blame him for her inner pain, but also realized it was a fruitless endeavor in real life. Robert would not put up with that kind of behavior from her anyway.

Her energy became contrite, especially when she had found out he hadn’t abandoned her at all, let alone forever. He had merely needed space. Georgette knew he now had this power over her… over her mind and over her body. Just thinking about Robert made her so incredibly hot! Her body was still aching for him like a cat in heat. It happened just minutes before, right there in the party room at the lodge with a dozen or more other women lingering, chatting, and painting each others’ fingernails.

Georgette had asked Robert for forgiveness and he had given it, absolutely. “I completely forgive you sweetie,” were his words. She cherished them. She cherished him. “Thank you so much for loving me. I simply cannot take your love and attention for granted,” she thought, smiling once again. She knew she had caused him to push her away, but then he had also pulled her back. She lost him, yet he found her.

And that is when his power elevated up and over her… it towered and hovered over Georgette’s body like a thick, heavy reliable blanket that wrapped her up safe and secure, strong and proud, warm and soft. That is when she found a new respect for Robert, and became so grateful for his love! People were sitting and mulling all around Georgette in the room, but none of them knew she was somewhere else, enveloped by his essence.

That’s how it happened, she realized. It was her alone time without Robert that made her devotion grow. It was the anxiety of their separation that drew her back into line; back under his wing, where he wanted her. He wanted one thing, and she was the only one who could give it to him. She remembered his frustration when he yelled, “No one ever listens to me! Not my family, not my friends, not even my girlfriend! Why won’t anyone listen to me?” She suddenly understood his problem. He needed to feel important, heard, obeyed. If he was not worthy in everyone’s eyes, then at least he was in hers. She was determined that he would never again feel pushed aside, or like what he said didn’t matter. She had ignored his advice previously and it had taken its toll, on both of them.

It was this act, this decision, which had both pulled them apart, and brought them back together. Georgette thought of this ability she had to give Robert back his own power… not just power in general, but specifically, his power over her. After all, she had handed it to him and then snatched it right out of his hands through her insolence! She knew it was how he could reject her so fully and then snap her back to him, not once, but twice! He had kicked her out of the house two times that week because she didn’t listen. He would not have it any more. It was like she had cut off his penis, or cracked his balls between her thighs, she figured.

She could not dishonor him again in that way. His all-out rejection of her was like the instant rush of riding down the steep track on a roller coaster… she fell fast and hard. She thought… One moment you’re up at the top, and the next you’re shooting like a bullet down to the very bottom, when suddenly you’re jerked up to the top again with full gravity upon you, pulling down on your facial muscles and pushing your ass down into the seat. All you can do is hold on for life! Two full hills of this, and I was done for.

The fall is important, for it feeds the climb. But most important is the climb back up to happiness, she thought. “My dear man, like the roller coaster, it is as if your very will over me is the gravity that I feel pushing me down hard, while the momentum of your words and actions pull me up from underneath, so that both forces work against each other to propel me from normalcy, to complete overflow as the intensity shoves any common emotions out of the way, like a river continually pushing a waterfall over the edge… yet this river of emotions climbs uphill! It is channeled like a wellspring of clear water that is overflowing from out of the rocks in the cold earth, issuing forth to daylight. And once it surfaces, and settles into a pool, and I look for my reflection, all I can see is you.”

Georgette pulled her feet out from the warm water and dried them off with a towel. She did not want a full pedicure. Grabbing up her white sandals, but not putting them on, she walked over to the leather loveseat, pulled her feet up onto the cushion, and cuddled up one of the large striped pillows into her arms. She positioned her head forward, allowing her chin to rest on the pillow’s plush surface.

There she was. Sitting by herself on the emotional roller coaster that Robert put her on, despite the fact that she was actually surrounded by a hoard of happy-go-lucky females wearing sarongs and flip flops. She looked around. Mud masks on women’s faces encompassed her, drying like goggles of green paint around their eyes, on their noses, cheeks, and chin and foreheads. Other women were having their feet in bath salts in the vibrating foot massage water tubs, taking their turn after her.

The room smelled of chocolate-covered strawberries, chewy chocolate chip chocolate brownies and cookies set out on large round white plates on the long table. Fresh veggies and spinach-artichoke dip were present to go with the crackers and bread. Pink party ribbons were strung out along the ceiling, with fake fanciful dragonflies and butterflies hanging in the lodge windows. A single vase full of a dozen white roses with pink tips echoed like a whisper of love and all things beautiful.

Aglow around the dimmed room were candles galore. Soft jazz music playing in the background as two ladies sitting on the dark brown leather sofa across from her both smiled and simultaneously took a sip out of their wine glasses. A blazing fire warmed the room, visible through the glass-front on the woodstove at the other end of the large room. Women were heartily laughing and talking, some temporarily wearing wax on their hands, and others smoothing lotion on each other’s feet. The sun had gone down already, and only the moonlight reflected on the lake, which was visible outside the huge picture windows that lined the east side of the room.

There Georgette sat. Instantly becoming aware that as thoughts of Robert rose in her mind, her vagina also swelled up tightly. What had he done to her by rejecting her so violently, when all he wanted was for her to do what no one else would do? Listen. Her remorse overwhelmed her. She fully felt his raw roller coaster of power thrusting her into that moment of ecstasy despite these ladies’ presence in the room, these friends of hers who barely noticed she was living inside her head. For a moment, she also forgot they existed. Only Robert was on her mind.

Perhaps it was his winning smile, or his kind heart, or his unwavering willingness to forgive even if he lost his temper and had trouble containing his grief and disappointment in Georgette. Am I harder on myself than you were on me? she wondered. She knew he was truly her grace. He always accepted her, and showed concern for her, even after she had written him off. Even after she had ignored him for two days and vowed not to see him again unless he came back crawling on his hands and knees. But he simply cared, and nothing more, or less. His usual chipper “Good morning sugarplum!” message to her each morning rang out a cheer to her heart, and Georgette could not stay away. She could not will herself to ignore her sweet Robert a minute longer. Her thoughts were so loud she almost verbalized it publicly, “Am I going mad? And here I thought you were the one who needed counseling for your emotional instability!”

Georgette was drawn out of her protective rejection-shell as if she were blood pouring from an open wound, spilling out her life to the ground, crying for forgiveness even though she thought Robert was the one who needed to apologize. What good was she to stand her ground and not give in when she was the one being negative, and he was merely concerned for her safety? Yes, he was the strong one. The one with the iron will. She felt like a child, vulnerable, weak, fearful, undisciplined, and immature. But she would have to prove herself stronger next time… or else! She had to do it for him. She had to do it for herself.

Suddenly Georgette had a full-blown vision of Robert, naked before her, and he was facing her. His body, upright and solid, pressed forward toward hers. Robert’s bare masculine shoulders made her breathe him in deeply, while his chest touched her naked breasts gently, oh so gently. He seemed so statuesque before her! His arms opened and wrapped themselves around her, his hands grasping tightly to her arse, pulling her to him with a refined and confident grip, which made her ovaries pulse and her vagina quiver. She started to whimper verbally, giving in to his intentions…

“Shut up and take it!” She knew he meant it. Her breath fluttered as her eyes grew wide and her body submitted. Raw power emanated from Robert’s presence, entering her like a spirit entering an empty body that was expectantly awaiting its return. She felt his groin swell alongside her own; his rod pushed against her abdomen. Robert lowered his member down between Georgette’s legs, adjusting his body to match her height, and she began feeling his shaft rubbing rhythmically against her swollen, hungry pearl. It was then that he kissed her, deep and passionately. She waited expectantly for him to enter her…

Georgette instantly felt wet! Deep, penetrating wetness took hold of her body and the flood gates were opened! Robert affected her body in ways that she had not experienced before, yet he was nowhere to be seen except in the fantasy of her mind’s eye. He controlled her emotions and her body from a distance, via an image of his presence, fastened like a video playing continually on the screen of her mind. His virtual presence so obviously etching a permanent image into her soul and heart. She was bound to him, and he was not letting her go. Nor did she want him to. Georgette felt safe… even better, she felt lubricious!

She looked up suddenly upon hearing someone laugh. Thank God they are not laughing at me! No one was looking Georgette’s way, so she stood, taking notice that she was dripping in her own slime. The wetness between her legs was like an opaque rain during a squall, kicking up thirty-foot high waves on the ocean shore in the most humid part of an already steaming-hot summer. Georgette made her quick exit to the bathroom, covering her body with her gold-and-red-threaded sarong and keeping her legs together so the storm would not land its evidence on the lodge floor.

She wiped her highly viscous and slick juices with several huge wads of toilet paper before she felt dry enough to return to the women’s spa party. Georgette had to keep Robert off of her mind or else she was going to lose all of her usual rebellion to him… yet that is what she desired most of all; to obey him without arguing or causing consternation. It was almost all gone now. How could she fight with him? He wasn’t even physically present in the room, and wasn’t even talking to her or in her face, yet he still had dominance over her, via her own mind. The mere thought of his penis was like experiencing a spice worm that bore its length into her innermost being, bringing her to ecstasy.

Like a fish to a fisherman, she was obviously hooked. A willing victim to his short-term whims, his decisions for their future, and his continual influence in her life. Robert’s sweet spirit was like food for her, and she consumed and ate him up! She relished that she was subject to his will over her… that she could trust his judgment and know that he would not for a second put up with her crap, nor would he let her go that easily. He was there to keep her accountable, because he loved her. His punishment was strong and swift and effective. Robert’s affections were tender and compassionate, yet his authority like a monolith that stood alone before her, ready to enter her with sweet aggression again and again… deep from behind, forcefully from the front, and ever so gently and lovingly, filling her up from within when she needed it most.

Sometimes Georgette really did need a good hard fuck! And Robert was the man to do it.

She loved it! She loved her man. Never before had anyone had this kind of power over her. Never before had anyone programmed her very soul to create this level of control over her. All she wanted to do was to please him. To make him proud of her again. To hear him call her his girl. To listen to him sing to her, to do what he advises, and to feel him snuggle up with her at night.

The party with all the women in the room was great, but it didn’t compare to the party Georgette was having within the walls of her own mind because of uncompromising thoughts of her very own Robert.

He would decide when she came, when she would go… and she would happily do his bidding…

“You truly do have control over me… my mind… over my body.”

She would not only allow it, but so would he; neither of them would have it any other way.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

BIONIC EYES TO MADNESS



The Vision:

In my vision you looked at me, your face became digitalized with electronic marks on it, then laser beams came out of your eyes and into mine. It overwhelmed me because of the intensity and I came out ("woke up") of seeing the vision. It freaked me out because NEVER have I had a vision that clear. It was uncomfortable. It was more than I could handle. That is the part that scared me.

My early interpretation:

So the big deal is the laser beams coming out of your eyes and into me... and the digital face with little circuit boards and microchip looking features all over. I KNEW it had to do with electronics or some type of electronic device or mode (I chocked it up to being skype since I see your electronic face there every day) but the laser beams are what threw me...

The timing:

So the date 12-3-12 came. The day of my divorce. It was "my time" to be with you fully finally. That day I was on my way home and heard that announcement on the radio (an electronic device) that had a man talking about a new laser beam technology (another electronic device) in a cell phone (could also be used in a tablet or computer, all of which are also electronic devices) where the little electronic "eye" is programmed to your eyes so that it recognizes your eye movements. Then once that occurs you can move your eyes and "tell" the cellular phone what to do. You can push buttons, move things around, and do whatever you can do normally with a cell phone, even type or text, all using your eyes only, totally hands free. I was riveted listening to this announcement on the radio because it was so unique. I was awed by it. Then I heard the lady tell about her experience using the laser device. She said, "I did what it said and it wouldn't program to my eye movements. Twice I tried but with no luck. Then finally it worked! I now think it's wild that I can move my eyes around and it will do exactly what I 'tell' it to do! Everything I look at, it follows. Every little thing I want, it does. It's amazing! It feels so weird because it was like LASER BEAMS WERE COMING OUT OF MY EYES!" <-- That is the sentence that got me. I immediately knew, on the spot, that the universe was telling me that THIS was the information I had been waiting to hear. Because it was connected to my vision. This vision was like a premonition, because I KNEW it was about something that was going to happen.

What it means:

It is control. The bionic eyes are fully about control, and controlling the thing being looked at (in this case, your eyes/will controlling me). A hands-free laser-eye application on a cell phone allows one to control the device using only your eyes, hands-free (you could also call it hands-off technology). It has to be programmed in order for it to work. Programming, evidently, takes a little while and possibly a few attempts before it "takes." Once done, you own it... it's yours to use as you wish. My vision was of you, and your eyes, having the laser beams coming out of them. One might think this is bad that you would try to control my every little move in this way, and it is. But who’s responsible here?

My responsibility:

The bionic eyes vision means, symbolically, you are the "user of the device" since it is your eyes doing the controlling of the device and its functions. In order for you to be like the lady in the example you would have to first be programmed by the laser program. The user's eyes must meet the laser and be programmed, and then control the device using the laser, based on that programming. Since your eyes met mine, and were like "laser beams coming out of your eyes" that means I am the laser part and the program within the device. You are the user of the device. I am the laser "eye" that did the programming. Bottom line: I programmed you to control me, although you chose to allow it, and abuse the power (abuse me).

Trust:

I have been practicing listening. Listening to the universe. Listening to advice from people. Listening to you. I listen when I feel safe and trust the source. Since the bionic eyes hit me for the first time, however, I have not felt so safe. I felt the intensity to extreme measures, and like how it was enough to wake me up instantly out of the vision when it occurred, I had a hard, hard time with it when it happened in real life. I fought at first, and then listened, and realized you meant well, but your impatience and anger and negative words dug into my soul and made me feel attacked and demeaned and belittled. I was suddenly treated like a small child who was retarded and being picked on by neighborhood bullies. I withdrew, but I also worked on listening. Things have only gotten worse since then. I see you now. I see what you need...

Bipolar?:

What kind of madness is this? I’ve come to learn is the bipolar tendencies that are part of this controlling behavior, which is not what I expected, yet I am not surprised, looking back. You have a need to be alone now, and I am willing to allow it. Alone you want, alone you got! During this time, get a hold of this imbalance and find help. It is the only way I can possibly be there again. I can be there with you and for you, but you have to do it if you ever want this relationship to work. I have dealt with this sickness in others I’ve known, and these extremes are too much for my sensitive soul to bear, at least when I’m the one taking the brunt of it. Denial will not save you. Admitting there is a problem, and it is affecting our relationship, and DOING something about it is paramount. Otherwise you will probably be alone for the rest of your life. It is why you are alone still, and why you are alone tonight. I also know all you really want is to be loved and accepted and not rejected. I am not rejecting you, for you rejected me by throwing me out the door. Hurt me once, shame on you. I said it was more than I could bear and not to do it again. Hurt me twice, shame on me. I left. I am merely doing what you asked… letting you be alone. Fully. It’s what you wanted... remember?

Next steps:

I need time to think about what comes next. I only do what I’m told when I feel safe. I no longer feel safe, but attacked. By wanting to listen it opened up this attacker-victim mode in you and I take full responsibility for the part I played. When do you listen and when do you not? How much do we allow? Do I allow abuse? No. I will not allow it. I love you enough to not enable abusive behavior. I love myself enough to not allow it to occur again. Great strides were taken and benefited by both of us when I listened. But now… I just don’t know anymore. I need a break to breathe and feel safe again. I feel like I am in love with a madman…

Madness:

You are my love. You are my madness… my listening helped… my quiet contrite spirit quelled your anger… yet when I argued it made things worse. Who is more mad, the one with the madness, or the one being made mad from the madness? You are mad. Angry. Bipolar or borderline. I don’t know anymore. I just know I have a choice, and am unsure which route to choose.

You are my love…

You are my madness…

Madness song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhvtRykqpQk

Sunday, March 3, 2013

HAVING TIME

Sometimes you don’t realize what is important until it is taken away.

Time. Time is important to me. I had lots of it, but have been so scattered in my energies, going this way and that, doing that and this, and staying so busy that all my time is eaten up so that I don’t have enough time after all.

Simple things. Keeping it simple now.

Get one old project out of the way.

Focus on one short-term and one-long term priorities, simultaneously.

That’s it.

Everything else must fall to the wayside, including my books… all the traveling to here and there for meetings or events or seminars.

Canceling them all.

Time to focus.

Time to regroup.

Time management.

Time to have time.

Time to make time for the important things.

It is simply time.

(sigh) now I have time…