Thursday, December 26, 2013

THE PRICE OF SUCCESS


She lay there in the darkness alone, awake due to the violent thoughts in her mind of him being mad at her for not succeeding in the task he set out for her to do.

She knew he was teaching her a lesson with his persistent ways... his insistence could be swift, rough, and hard to take. His verbal spankings would mimic something real. His emotional attacks and put-downs would tear her soul apart, piece by piece.

Sometimes she wondered if there had been a violation to her soul so deep in the past (this life or before) that it has made her able to take a lot of chronic pain (like the sports injury to her hip when she was in high school), to the point of reliving it over and over.

Almost like when he come down on her too hard emotionally, again and again, so that she needed physical pain to match what it felt like inside.

She don't know from whence it came, only that it was... It felt sometimes as if a burden to carry this kind of desire for punishment, or dread that she could not meet the deadlines to pacify him.

The pressure was on... Tomorrow would start the next wave of tedious regimens and she had much trepidation and fear, and at the same time welcomed the severity of angst and disappointment and disapproval from him if she couldn't meet the goal.

She chose not to tell him what the symbolic acts were--to alleviate the inner turmoil--that played out in her head.

There would be no room for forgiveness, for there was no room for not succeeding.

But all of this was in her head, she figured, for all he said in his sweetness to her was, "Do this." The rest, all worry and fretting, as well as making sure the work was done, was her own creation and responsibility. Alone it was her task. Alone she would have to carry it out.

She knew the pressure was real, but did it have to be? Was she making it worse than it had to be?

She viewed the images in her head, with his words becoming tyrannical demands...
his energies turning into slaps on the face...
his repeated commands morphing into smacks on her body and rear as he bent her over away from him...
his violation so thick and severe that it was like fucking her in the ass...
while holding her hair with both hands and yanking to keep her under control...
commanding, demanding, forcing, taking, raping, violating, repeatedly...
making her comply...
telling her what she had done wrong and making her admit it...
telling her what he wanted done right, his way, and requiring her to obey...
having his way with her until he was good and done, until he finished deep inside her soul...

until she cried out in pain, and gave in completely to his whims...
then, only then, would he be satisfied.

All of it was make believe.
Except in her head.

The violent acts of her pain, against herself, perpetrated by the fall guy that she created in her fantasies.

This requirement was not a man, but was the cost of success.
It was the price she had to pay to succeed.
It was success, itself.

Bend to its will, or fail, said he.
What choice did she have, but to obey?

Monday, December 16, 2013

SECRET HEALING WATERS LAKE IN CAVE OF LIGHTS


Peaceful Valley is where it happened. Carl flew into the airport and landed there, taking a taxi directly to the heart of town. Bustling and full of energy, the city moved to its own rhythm day and night, with lights glowing even in the dead of winter.

On the outskirts of town, where the buildings ended and the green pastures began, were two places that he visited after he arrived... an energy production plant, pumping out BTU's to the town's host of occupants, and a huge area that served as a city park, which also hosted the organic garden tended by the volunteers of the city. It was at the energy plant where it started by Carl, but it ended at the Peaceful Valley Park, in a well-hidden and secret area that only a couple people knew about.

Carl was an honest man, upright, of good standing, always doing what he felt was right. Yet he was also unassuming, quiet, gentle-natured, but with an inner passion that he rarely let others see. To those that knew him, Carl could also appear, at times, as selfish or unbending in what he wanted.

What Carl secretly wanted was money and power, and he good life that came with it.

What Carl did, however, was purely done because of serendipity.

He swooped into town that day, visiting the energy plant to possibly purchase it, but instead bought the entire town of Peaceful Valley. He did it fast, the entire ordeal lasting only five days from beginning to end. Why? Because he could. Because he wanted it. Because once he made a decision there was no reason to wait. Because what he found there was a treasure to his soul and would bring riches to his life.

"I want to buy the plant now," he told the owner, Solara. She was thrilled since it had been up for sale for two years, and because she knew Carl and knew he would take care of it.

Solara had inherited the plant from her late uncle and she really did not fully know what she had gotten herself into until it was too late. "It's a thorn in my side," she admitted quite surprised at herself for telling her prospective buyer, whom was also her friend, that she didn't want the plant because of all the work involved.

"The only reason I can deal with it is because of the waterfall and hydro plant that is down by the park that is part of this deal. But that is only part of it; there is a secret cave there, you know, and out of it are healing waters," Solara blurted, again astonished at her candor to reveal it so easily to him; but it felt right.

Carl turned from looking at the blueprints he had been observing in her office, "Healing? Do tell." Solara knew she had already said too much, but it was a secret that could not die with her... and what did she care, for as long as she could go there in the future, who would be the wiser if he knew about it too? It was a long standing family secret. It was now hers, however, and her's alone, and she could share the information with anyone she wished.

Solara had known Carl for the entire two-year jaunt she had the plant, and understood his nature. She knew she could trust him, which is why she offered it up to him.

The chances of going in there to find the secret cave were slim for anyone outside of being in the know, and could be a process wrought with danger. The waterfall itself could kill you with its incredible power. Rushing down at great speed and force, one would have to penetrate its force in order to discover the cave behind it. It was an old limestone cave, ancient and carved out by the waters that used to run through it but now ran over it.

Inside the cave was a lake, and point of light that shone from above through the earth in natural holes that were riddled in the limestone from erosion. They looked like stars in a night sky, except that the light shone like a plethora of parallel beams of golden light striking the placid blue-green waters below. Due to this, small plant life grew, mosses and mushrooms, and rare plants. The unique environment blossomed amazing healing qualities within it that penetrated the waters.

The lake itself was deep, and the ceiling of the cave was high. To stand inside, which she had done a million times throughout her life, was something that kept her in awe. To drink of this water could heal you of ailments and sickness, and prolong life.

The energy-producing power plant and rushing waterfall on the outside of the cave always seemed far away, as if in another world. She longed to be in the cave, and to show Carl this secret place of hers.

Solara's thoughts went back on Carl as she watched his face turn from one of near unbelief, to one of desire. She knew she had gotten his interest.

So that is how it happened, how Carl bought the town of Peaceful Valley, which included the park. He did this because after he signed the paperwork to buy the plant from Solara, and she showed him the secret entrance into the cave through the old hollow oak by the base of the waterfall, he realized that the cave was actually on the park property, not the hydro plant that sat next to it.

Carl wanted to own it, and keep it forever. Once he had visited this place, he never wanted to leave.

Now the secret was his and hers to share together, and the still and deep waters inside the cave, along with the busy town nearby, and the main energy plant were his as well.

Solara took him to the lake inside the cave, this otherworldly place, and together they swam in the cool water, drank from the spring pool, and sat upon its bank eating a picnic lunch in the streams of light coming from above. Dimly lit, it was a wonderland, a surreal place of absolute beauty.

Carl now knew the real reason he had come to Peaceful Valley, and why he owned it. It was not really about money or power at all (although he had that in the plant and city), but about healing, peace, beauty, and a long life filled with secret treasures worth more than gold. Yes, he figured he would stay a while with Solara there...

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

CRUELTY BEGETS CRUELTY

Do abusers recognize they are abusers? I have a friend in New Jersey who is divorcing her husband because of "extreme cruelty," which is evidently a popular reason for divorcing there.

He is evidently abusive in ways that are unseen to most people, except on the rare occasion... a super nice guy on the outside, but behind closed doors he can be tyrannical, domineering, a dictator, demanding, has a temper, rides her constantly, nitpicking and nagging about the same things over and over, is mean, demeaning, calls her names, compares her with people he thinks are 'idiots' or whatever, and the list goes on and on.

Yet she says that he thinks this is not only 'natural' behavior, but that she is 'expected' to take it, and if she doesn't he considers her 'weak.' But if she fights back, or denies anything, there is hell to pay because he has to be right and he finds ways of making her seem wrong. It's the 'ultimate ego trip' says she.

What gets me (and her) is that he doesn't GET IT... he has no idea he's an abuser. His form of abuse is harder to prove in a court of law for divorce proceedings because it is often (but not always) unseen, and leaves no marks on the body, but can leave scars on the soul. It is the drama of the abuse that affects the mental state, emotional security, and very spirit of the person that is affected by such mental cruelty.

Here is a website I looked up from that state with a list of reasons why someone can divorce someone else for 'extreme cruelty' in the state of NJ. If you want to see the whole list, just copy and paste the link here http://www.divorcesource.com/ds/newjersey/what-is-extreme-cruelty-and-how-do-i-prove-it--3945.shtml, since I am only including the relevant parts here:

Embarrassing, humiliating experiences (public and private)
Personality hang-ups and conflicts
cold shoulder treatment
domineering spouse
Arguments caused by husband
Bad temper
Mental illness, neurotic behavior, emotional stability
Provocation and retaliation
Indifference
Lack of affection
Nagging

So why is he this way? Personality, perhaps, but often these things are learned behavior. He was a peacemaker growing up and admits his parents fought a lot, and so even though he tried to keep the peace (make peace) between them, his image of what was 'normal' for parents/a couple to act like together involved plenty of loud fights, so he naturally assumed the position.

His own marriage, over time, became like his parents' was, and his one personality flaw was that his issues were learned mostly from his mother. She appeared one way in public, and yet kept him walking on eggshells most of his life, to the point that he became avoidant. His timidity was overridden by a deep well of anger that seethed under a calm surface. More like a pit of bubbling magma ready to explode out of the earth like a volcano, erupting fast and hard and rough, and lasting a while as it bled onto the earth.

He acted like he didn't know, but my friend said that his real anger did not come out the same until after they were married... almost like he hid it well until he knew it was 'safe' to let it out. Once they were married it was too late.

She wondered if she had made a mistake... if she had married the wrong person, or just not the right person. She spent years questioning her own motives, and trying to make the relationship work, but money was usually the cause of his outbursts, and he was a control freak about every penny. She felt like she was being kept in a cage, unable to move or breathe.

Does this sound familiar to you? If it does then know that she did file for divorce and separated from her cruel husband. "It was just not worth being miserable all the time," she told me.

"He still doesn't even realize he's mentally and emotionally unstable. He's been abusing for so long and doesn't realize that it was because he was abused for even longer, to the point that he thought it was 'normal'" she said.

It is too late for her, since even separating did not make him change or wise up. It is likely that he'll either find another victim to abuse later if he remarries, or he'll stay alone the rest of his life because most women these days are wisening up to the fact that a bad relationship growing up as a kid can screw up your own relationships once you grow up.

Cruelty is no laughing matter. It is still abuse and there is no excuse for it.