Saturday, August 23, 2014

CHOKING OUT THE WEEDS OF LIFE

In the gardens of life
the weeds of old habits do grow
choking, choking, choking out
the tender growth of true value

Yet, behold, the weeds
can be choked out as well
by nurturing the beauty of life
and nipping the weeds in the bud

Choke out the weeds
before they get out of hand
or grow to thick proportions
stalks and stems woody
dropping their seed into the earth
growing wildly from year to year
unkempt, untamed, undisciplined

Choke out the weeds
cut them off early
to allow the beauty of real pleasures
and a life fantastic with abundance
to flourish and fruit

Behold, the weeds
can be choked out by way
of right choices
of listening
of paying attention
of learning
of respecting others
of obeying authority
of following the rules
of asking and not taking
of not acting out of selfishness
of being humble
of shutting your mouth
of watching
of making new habits
of creating
of manifesting
of making a new life
of being on the spiritual path
new growth
new everything

Yes, it hurts to choke out old weeds
Yes, it is worth the bounty reaped to do so
Yes, yes, yes...

Choke away, for I shall live abundantly!

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

PERFECT IMPERFECTIONS

The first year, nary a harsh word, all things smooth, and and perfect... Too perfect. Finally the arguments, and later finding how to fight right. What to do, what not to do, how to judge and when to stop. Expectations of taking it all, and loving through to forever. Now it is interesting, with 94% going without a bump, and the 6% being extreme. I like these imperfections... These perfect flaws that I cherish. How your character comes through, and your heart's desire shines forth. How your darkest side cracks open all preconceptions, and guts spill out in an array sprayed like spatter in a crime scene. There are subtleties too... How jealousy was never a part of this relationship, yet you hoard my attention, and adore my adoration of you. You want what you want, and get it too! I comply, happy to make you happy; pleased to please you. Thrilled that you are selfish of our time together, and that you are excited about our plans. Your selfishness over me is a perfect imperfection. I am so glad our love and expectations together are mutual... Thank you love, for being the true blue you.

Friday, April 11, 2014

THE POWER TO SUBMIT

Lorena sat atop the cliff's edge looking out across the canyon before her. She saw the stream at the bottom, which was a disappearing stream that dove gently under the rocks and soil, eventually hidden from sight underground. Lorena knew that somewhere else, perhaps miles away, that stream might surface yet again, and it got her thinking about her love, Keith.

Keith was standing behind the boulder that she was next to, whittling away at a broken branch with his pocket knife, forming the wood into something worthwhile, based on its natural shape. Keith had a knack for creating things, and Lorena looked at him with admiration for his gifts.

She sat up straight, realizing that he had a kind of power over her... The kind that made her fall in love, even through the tough times. Just last week she and Keith had a huge fight that nearly broke them apart, yet in the end it brought them even closer together. She realized it was his rarely-seen bossy side that drove her crazy, yet she secretly liked it all the same. It made her respect him, and that he was not a pushover, or wimpy. She liked strong men.

Power plays. Everything in life is a struggle of power, or a dance, depending on how you look at it. It happens between everyone, everywhere. Nothing and no one is exempt. Even the atoms in the universe are bound to these laws, with fantastic gravitational pulls of the stronger black holes sucking in entire stars and planets, which are smaller, weaker. When two people meet, whether they be a child and a dog, or a boss and employee, or a man and woman who are dating or married, similar power statuses are set up, sometimes on par, and sometimes mixed, and sometimes extremely different.

For Lorena and Keith, they were mostly on par, although each had different power areas, personally speaking. Lorena's strengths were in running projects, and Keith's strengths were in overseeing Lorena.

Lorena spoke up, "Keith, do you think that some people are more powerful than others, like naturally?" "I suppose so, since all people are equal, yet not the same. Some are stronger in some things but not in others, or some are more physically powerful while others are weaker."

Lorena considered this. She scooted closer to the cliff's edge and pondered it silently for a while, mindlessly tossing tiny pebbles into the chasm below where her feet dangled. 'Deep waters,' she thought...

Lorena finally spoke up, "I really like that under your smooth passive surface lies a deep river, and underlying current of passion, even anger, as if it were flowing magma that escapes like a volcano erupting occasionally. It lets me know you are real, and not faking it, and that you care. Same goes for you trying to control things I do or don't do. As hard as that is to let myself be controlled at times, I am unbelievably grateful that you care that passionately and want me to listen to you in the little things. That is important to me, did you know that honey? I NEED that in the depths and hidden recesses of my very soul... I do so love you Keith!"

Keith looked up, "Wow, my sweetest sounds like a poet at this moment. Yes love, we are both like that, with vast amounts of personality within us."

"True," Lorena added, "we have both been described as multifaceted in our personalities. Rarely do I let people see my deepest parts, for only God has seen it. When I admitted to you last time we fought, that I cried and sobbed and felt as I do, that was me allowing you to see a window-peek at just how deeply you have affected my soul. There is none who is as powerful as you for me, for you have a way and a touch that both guides and keeps me in line like no other before. You are the love of my life! Truly. The bonus is that I am highly sexually attracted to you, and powerless against your sexy body taking me in however you wish." She was dead serious, even though she had brought a psychological principle straight down into the gutter.

Keith's face grimaced. "I'm sorry honey, but I just don't feel that way."

Lorena's heart sank. "You don't feel what way towards me?"

"Powerless towards my body taking you. It is a God given trait." He set his knife and his half-whittled wood piece down on a log, and then stepped lightly towards Lorena, placing his hand on her shoulder.

He reworded it, "You can't be powerless of me taking you; it is a God given trait." He hoped it would be clearer this time.

Lorena realized he not only saw her as a powerful being, but also himself, yet he was not willing to abuse that power.

Lorena spoke up, "Keith, you see, it's like this... " She choked up momentarily before continuing, "I somehow need to feel powerless, see? I need to submit to you, so badly. It has been so hard for me, fighting for my independence and personal freedom my entire life, but because you expect me to listen to you without demanding it, I must. It is a seeming contradiction, a conundrum, yet true in my most hidden places of my soul, which yearns and cries out for acceptance and the need to be needed, and not rejected. I can't explain it... Putting this secret into the light does not appear the same as it does in the firelight within the cavern of my being."

He was trying to grasp what she was saying. "I just don't understand how you can be powerless against me. I don't wish to have or exert that kind of power over you."

Realizing that he was as turned on by her power over him as she was of his power over her, she chimed in, "I do have power honey, just as you do, but I have traditionally used it over others rather than myself. The latter is the greatest challenge of all. It is not that I am powerless, but that I put myself aside to honor you and not usurp you, yielding my power up to you, submitting as if powerless. I still have power, but the choice is to use my power over MYSELF to do as you wish. Then you have power over me by default. That said, I would only do so when I know I can trust you to take care of me and not hurt me."

She felt her voice getting shaky, but continued. "I want to love you so fully that I could put my ego aside and fully trust, because honestly I don't trust most people, and they are not worthy of it. I just gave you a huge compliment and honored you, and you missed it. But am glad you got it now." Lorena sighed.

Keith leaned forward and kissed the crown of Lorena's dark curly hair. "Alright, that makes much more sense to me. Thank you sweetheart."

Feeling like it needed to be extruded further, even though he was satisfied, she continued, "Submitting, for me, takes far more strength and power than to fight, in my humble opinion. That desire is why I get so turned on, because it is ethically and spiritually the RIGHT thing to do, to honor and listen to God--or the universe, whatever you want to call it--and why I MUST submit myself to you, as I would to any greater Power. It is as a physical expression... a symbol of that trust and love. It is my soul's purpose, even if it means some form of my own destruction; but then am I freed."

Lorena didn't know if she had explained it properly, but Keith followed up with, "Thank you very much for sharing this with me, my love." He understood.

The bottom line was that her haughty attitude had only brought her misery in her life, and now she was ready for the next step. "Thank you sweetie. That is why I have to trust you and be willing to obey any particular commands you might give me, even if it hurts me, because the higher ideal and goal is only attainable if I render myself powerless, by choice. I do have to shut up and take it. I do have to lay back and accept it. I do have to listen to you, no exceptions. I have not accomplished that even once in my life, and my contentious attitude has been my downfall every time. No more... Just no more. In my heart of hearts I just want to belong. I have to practice love, forgiveness, and full acceptance, even if I am facing pain and punishment. Even if I don't feel safe. It is the hardest thing, yet it has to be done. That is all."

Keith was deeply moved by her honesty and bluntness, even if he did not wish for her to act like some sort of servant girl in their relationship. He appreciated her devotion, and was humbled by it. "Thank you for being a blessing in my life, Lorena!"

Lorena smiled and finally turned towards him, noticing a tear in his eye. "And I hope you love me this much to listen to me too, at the times when it is right."

"Yes dear." He already was.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

IN HOT WATER

About a week or so ago I had a dream. I dreamt that my own sweet man was holding a large glass measuring cup above my head, attempting to pour boiling hot water on my head that was inside it. I tried to get away and he chased me, round and round in a small circle. Finally I got away but was so stressed and shocked that I dropped to the ground bawling my eyes out, weeping uncontrollably, while crying out, "Why would you want to hurt me?!" over and over. Tonight the dream came true. I am in hot water, and have cried until I no longer had breath. I am at a complete loss as to what is happening, or why. These dreams elude me until they happen, and then they make sense. It is a terrible lot in life to know something is coming and not know what or how to change it.

Monday, March 24, 2014

THE CONTENTIOUS WIFE


For all of my adult life, in a number of marriages, I have been a contentious wife. There, I said it.

I still have a confrontational personality at times when I feel attacked or threatened or anything negative that is said against me as a criticism. But I'm working on changing that, for the sake of my future in the relationship I have with the man I love now.

I am a spiritual but not religious person, yet I grew up in a religious family. I can say that I still enjoy some of the Bible verses because they have sat in my innermost being for decades. Proverbs and all those rules were some of my favorites. I don't know why. Something about having clear-cut black or white rules seems to clear up the muddle. There's a whole rules and punishment thing that is deep in my psyche too, but I won't go there. Things are not usually so prim and proper, so cut and dry.

In reality life is a lot more in the grey zone, and flexible, at least in most things. Law and politics bore me to death, and crime and punishment are not exactly my favorite things, yet I have this thing... this quirk in my personality that has to poke and prod and push someone until I provoke a response, which is often negative. I create conflict. I realized this pattern years ago and stopped the majority of it.

Yet somehow, I still do it occasionally.

It's really the defense mechanism that is the hardest part to deal with. If someone criticizes me I see it as a personal attack, depending on how it is said. At times it is not at all, and I take it in stride, and work to change it, but if it is someone close to me, and they have bitterness in their voice, I immediately reject it and find justifications and excuses to protect myself because I know the fight is coming.

I hate the blame game, yet it is my one brother that picked on me (he was 9 yrs older than me) growing up that I remember fighting with all the time. Evidently I was the spoiled rotten brat. True! I provoked even then. He would make me cry, and make me defend myself, or I would try to get my way. Into adulthood this continued, until I created enough distance that I was 'safe' from harm.

I realize now I still create this distance when I do not feel safe, or bullied, or verbally attacked or made to seem "wrong" somehow. If I feel like someone is coming down on me, I withdraw and then attack. I avoid, and move away, and sometimes PUSH hard. I reject the person. This is not good in a relationship where both parties could have rejection issues. This can cause dissension.

In fact, this behavior of being confrontational, and also pushing people away, is a bad habit of contention.

If I do not stop this behavior I will lose my current relationship. I do not wish to be a contentious wife in the future or at any time. The time is now to stop this bad behavior.

Definition of 'Contentious' from Merriam Webster dictionary:
likely to cause people to argue or disagree, involving a lot of arguing, likely or willing to argue

The Bible verse that the word is used in (Proverbs 21:9, 21:19, 25:24 27:15) KJV:
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house.
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.
It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house.
A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike.

You get the idea.

The opposite of a contentious wife (Biblically speaking) is the Virtuous woman of Proverbs 31 (especially verses 12, 26, 28). But what of the contentious woman?

Men can be contentious too, and just as nagging, bossy, and incessant, but it is the wife (or woman) I speak of here. Namely myself.

What good can come of it if any negative remark is followed up by an even more negative response?
What good can come of it if one cannot take constructive criticism, even if it just sounds like plain old criticism?
What good is it if a woman is contradictory or confrontational, defensive, bossy, or a nag at every turn?
What good is it if a woman is simply always justifying herself with excuses or so-called 'reasons'?

*Stands up on the soap box*
"Hello, my name is Sharon and I'm a contentious woman."

They should have CWA meetings, that is, Contentious Woman Anonymous meetings... like AA meetings for alcoholics.
"I have been nonconfrontational and nondefensive for 22 days."

It seems a hard pill to swallow, this contentious woman of Biblical proportions.
Yet I stand before you.
I am one.
I am contentious.

I hate it. I hate it about myself, and wish to stop. I don't mean to be. I just am. And that is a complete excuse and I know it.

So it is time to STOP IT.

I think that I will take it the same way I did when I lost a lot of weight... one day at a time... and focus on what I CAN do instead of what I cannot. I will use replacement/substitution so that I'm not just focusing on what I should NOT be doing, but rather what I SHOULD be doing.

I should be a virtuous woman.

It is a more positive thing to focus on.

I MUST do this, because I was threatened in my relationship today that if I did not stop being so confrontational that I might lose that relationship.

I didn't realize it was that bad.

I am.

So I change.

I am grateful for the opportunity to change, and rid myself of this contentious woman who has been with me all of these years, and now has no place in my life or future.

Just as I do not want poverty, or ill health, I do not want contentious behavior to come between me and my dearest love.

I apologize honey, publicly, for my contentious behavior.
Thank you for your love and support, always.
Yes dear, I will walk faster...

Monday, January 27, 2014

IGNORANCE IS BLISS - FANTASIES THAT BLOW


"I'm not jealous of sexual fantasies," Maria told John, perfectly confident of her position. "After all, my last boyfriend had erectile dysfunction and used fantasies to help him get it up... so it worked out really great for us whether we had intercourse or oral sex!"

John looked a little sideways at his girlfriend for saying that, but figured that maybe she had a point.

"May I ask one question about your fantasies?" Maria asked innocent enough, knowing that the question was far from her being ignorant in sexual matters.

"Yes," John replied, "but you probably don't want to know about all the junk I think about that's swimming around in my head." He wondered if her question would be simple, or loaded with ammunition to be used against him at a later date.

"Are the fantasies you have about anyone you know?"

"No," John said smugly.

She smiled and knew he was telling the truth. She sat quietly for a while, realizing that the one question could not end there... it opened up a lot of possible doors and scenarios and her curiosity began to pique.

Finally, she could not stand it any longer, but kept her tone light. "So what it is about? I mean who are these people?"

"It's just porn."

Her heart sank, but why she did not know.

So many times she had looked at different types of pornography; so many times she had watched rented videos from the sex store down the road... but all of that was in the past. She wrote that kind of thing off years ago.

Today her opinion of porn was that it exploited women, even if by their own choosing. Porn represented, to Maria, men who had desires outside of their bed-mates. Or at least scenarios that were not happening with their lovers, but wished they would. It was of unnatural situations, giant dicks that could last forever, shorn pussies, blimp-sized boobies, and anal bleaching. It all simply disgusted her.

So were John's fantasies being fulfilled? Was she satisfying her sweet love in bed?

Suddenly she realized that she felt insecure.

Insecure about all of it. The porn, his lusting after other women he didn't know, acting out scenarios in his head that may not even involve her.

Oh yes, she was insecure. It became instantly obvious to her. Never before had she felt this way in their relationship through the years. In fact, quite the opposite.

And because he had told her that he once got a load of computer viruses from online pornography, and that he stopped looking at pictures of porn after that, and had learned his lesson, she was actually amazed to find out that on occasion he still does partake in the virtual world of sex.

Maria began wondering just what kinds of scenes John would play out in his head that he was unwilling to share with her. Were they perverse? How often was he sitting at the computer lusting after fake scenes instead of lusting after her?

He was always so sweet to her. Yet he warned her that she would not want to know about his fantasies. She was stupid, she thought, for not listening.

Maria knew John by heart. He was as gentle-natured and lovely as any man she had ever met. He was fair, and good to her, and rarely angry. And if he did get angry it was because he was usually right about something and she was just being obstinate. She had an old habit of pushing. Just like this time.

So what in the freaking world was this?! Why was she feeling sad? Afraid even?

Fantasies are one thing, she thought. Porn is another.

Fantasies can help sex work when before maybe it couldn't. To have someone out of tune with the ideals in their head, and sex just be a physical sensation, would be like making love to an autistic person who was incapable of human social or emotional connection. Sex would just be physical sex and probably nothing more.

John was not like this. He was a lover.

Maybe he was a lover of things and qualities that she didn't have. Like the large breasts he had mentioned twice in the last two hours? Maria had mosquito-bite-sized breasts; obviously not up to par by porn standards.

Was she not what he wanted? Or maybe he wanted her but just wanted other people too. Was she not enough for him?

Would porn ever lead him to cheat on her?

AHHH! That's where her insecurities came from! The light bulb turned on in her head as she thought about the past, a boyfriend named Jeff from long ago who had cheated on her and used porn to covet other women's bodies to the point that he finally acted it out with one of them.

It ruined her and Jeff's relationship, and caused her some heavy duty grief for quite a while.

Ultimately it was the reason they broke up, because she did not feel wanted or loved by Jeff, and the porn was to blame--at least in her eyes. No, she realized, his desires outside of her were to blame. They did not have an open relationship, but one of exclusivity, so any invasion of another coming in from the outside simply doomed to repel their relationship. At least, that's how it happened. At least, that's how she interpreted what happened. She was afraid of John becoming like Jeff.

Maria contemplated her position, based on her newly found knowledge about John. How much was true or just in her head about any possible negative consequences?

Now she regretted ever asking the question, let alone asking anything beyond the first question. Why could she have not just left it well enough alone!

She was angry at herself for causing her own issue. She went from secure to insecure, and although was not jealous of the fantasies, she was jealous of the porn. Of what the porn represented... a path to destruction of their closeness. She already felt distanced from him. If this continued inside herself she might eventually want to leave. That scared her even more.

Her fear was real, but was it true? Or just based on past experience? Was the past doomed to be repeated? Not necessarily. Yet it was in the forefront of her mind, eating away through her brain, to the spinal column and straight down to the seat of her being, located in the red chakra at the base of her spine, which dealt with fear, flight or fight responses, and survival.

She had not dealt with feelings like these for many, many years. Certainly never even once with John.

John smiled and kissed her, seeing the serious look on her face. He wondered what she was thinking all of this time. He knew something was up, and it surely wasn't any appendage of his.

John wished he had not told her about the fantasies.

Maria wished she had not asked about the fantasies.

They both changed the subject at once.

John decided he simply would not agree to something that would make Maria feel badly, because he could tell by the look on her face, and her quiet thoughtfulness, that she was stewing. He would tell she was hurt. So much for not being jealous of fantasies!

Maria decided that ignorance was truly bliss.

John and Maria chit-chatted for a bit, avoiding the topic of sex altogether.

John knew he would continue to enjoy his fantasies and just simply not inform Maria ever again.

Maria wanted her ignorance back, but it was too late.

She hoped that all future fantasies of his would remain his, and his alone. She simply did not want to know, or go there. She should have listened to him when he warned her.

She felt that somehow, in order to work through her issue, she might need to blow up or have a hard cry about it. The insecurity was too much. Could she just simply let it go? Perhaps... those were her choices... have a huge fight to get through it, or just let it go and allow it blow away by itself.

Blow... hhmmm... perhaps a blow job would be better, and representative of the latter choice.

Maria concluded that loving John was a far better option than causing contention between them. She went down on him, on the spot, much to his enjoyment.

Yes, his dick could plug her big mouth and teach her a lesson against asking things she would rather not know. Her pride was hurt and humility had to commence. She would hold her tongue... and use it to lather him up in ecstasy instead!

Better to swallow it than to spit it out this time, she thought, realizing the duality of her pride and false confidence causing her own sexual insecurities to swell up.

"Fuck my mouth and don't ever let me ask you about your fantasies again," she moaned in between sucks.

"You know it, darling," John replied, thrusting his groin forward into her face harder.

Maria popped her head back up off of his little head once again and said, "Ignorance is bliss..."

John grabbed her hair to force her face back down, "Finish me off... Swallow..." he said as fantasies about women from the porn sites entered his mind. He saw them clearly with his eyes shut and his gonads about to erupt in sexual pleasure.

He blew up into her mouth, his essence filling her oral cavity, sliding down into her belly as he continued to tell her to swallow.

She swallowed everything he offered her. Everything that he required of her.

Even his silence about his fantasies.