Monday, January 27, 2014
"I'm not jealous of sexual fantasies," Maria told John, perfectly confident of her position. "After all, my last boyfriend had erectile dysfunction and used fantasies to help him get it up... so it worked out really great for us whether we had intercourse or oral sex!"
John looked a little sideways at his girlfriend for saying that, but figured that maybe she had a point.
"May I ask one question about your fantasies?" Maria asked innocent enough, knowing that the question was far from her being ignorant in sexual matters.
"Yes," John replied, "but you probably don't want to know about all the junk I think about that's swimming around in my head." He wondered if her question would be simple, or loaded with ammunition to be used against him at a later date.
"Are the fantasies you have about anyone you know?"
"No," John said smugly.
She smiled and knew he was telling the truth. She sat quietly for a while, realizing that the one question could not end there... it opened up a lot of possible doors and scenarios and her curiosity began to pique.
Finally, she could not stand it any longer, but kept her tone light. "So what it is about? I mean who are these people?"
"It's just porn."
Her heart sank, but why she did not know.
So many times she had looked at different types of pornography; so many times she had watched rented videos from the sex store down the road... but all of that was in the past. She wrote that kind of thing off years ago.
Today her opinion of porn was that it exploited women, even if by their own choosing. Porn represented, to Maria, men who had desires outside of their bed-mates. Or at least scenarios that were not happening with their lovers, but wished they would. It was of unnatural situations, giant dicks that could last forever, shorn pussies, blimp-sized boobies, and anal bleaching. It all simply disgusted her.
So were John's fantasies being fulfilled? Was she satisfying her sweet love in bed?
Suddenly she realized that she felt insecure.
Insecure about all of it. The porn, his lusting after other women he didn't know, acting out scenarios in his head that may not even involve her.
Oh yes, she was insecure. It became instantly obvious to her. Never before had she felt this way in their relationship through the years. In fact, quite the opposite.
And because he had told her that he once got a load of computer viruses from online pornography, and that he stopped looking at pictures of porn after that, and had learned his lesson, she was actually amazed to find out that on occasion he still does partake in the virtual world of sex.
Maria began wondering just what kinds of scenes John would play out in his head that he was unwilling to share with her. Were they perverse? How often was he sitting at the computer lusting after fake scenes instead of lusting after her?
He was always so sweet to her. Yet he warned her that she would not want to know about his fantasies. She was stupid, she thought, for not listening.
Maria knew John by heart. He was as gentle-natured and lovely as any man she had ever met. He was fair, and good to her, and rarely angry. And if he did get angry it was because he was usually right about something and she was just being obstinate. She had an old habit of pushing. Just like this time.
So what in the freaking world was this?! Why was she feeling sad? Afraid even?
Fantasies are one thing, she thought. Porn is another.
Fantasies can help sex work when before maybe it couldn't. To have someone out of tune with the ideals in their head, and sex just be a physical sensation, would be like making love to an autistic person who was incapable of human social or emotional connection. Sex would just be physical sex and probably nothing more.
John was not like this. He was a lover.
Maybe he was a lover of things and qualities that she didn't have. Like the large breasts he had mentioned twice in the last two hours? Maria had mosquito-bite-sized breasts; obviously not up to par by porn standards.
Was she not what he wanted? Or maybe he wanted her but just wanted other people too. Was she not enough for him?
Would porn ever lead him to cheat on her?
AHHH! That's where her insecurities came from! The light bulb turned on in her head as she thought about the past, a boyfriend named Jeff from long ago who had cheated on her and used porn to covet other women's bodies to the point that he finally acted it out with one of them.
It ruined her and Jeff's relationship, and caused her some heavy duty grief for quite a while.
Ultimately it was the reason they broke up, because she did not feel wanted or loved by Jeff, and the porn was to blame--at least in her eyes. No, she realized, his desires outside of her were to blame. They did not have an open relationship, but one of exclusivity, so any invasion of another coming in from the outside simply doomed to repel their relationship. At least, that's how it happened. At least, that's how she interpreted what happened. She was afraid of John becoming like Jeff.
Maria contemplated her position, based on her newly found knowledge about John. How much was true or just in her head about any possible negative consequences?
Now she regretted ever asking the question, let alone asking anything beyond the first question. Why could she have not just left it well enough alone!
She was angry at herself for causing her own issue. She went from secure to insecure, and although was not jealous of the fantasies, she was jealous of the porn. Of what the porn represented... a path to destruction of their closeness. She already felt distanced from him. If this continued inside herself she might eventually want to leave. That scared her even more.
Her fear was real, but was it true? Or just based on past experience? Was the past doomed to be repeated? Not necessarily. Yet it was in the forefront of her mind, eating away through her brain, to the spinal column and straight down to the seat of her being, located in the red chakra at the base of her spine, which dealt with fear, flight or fight responses, and survival.
She had not dealt with feelings like these for many, many years. Certainly never even once with John.
John smiled and kissed her, seeing the serious look on her face. He wondered what she was thinking all of this time. He knew something was up, and it surely wasn't any appendage of his.
John wished he had not told her about the fantasies.
Maria wished she had not asked about the fantasies.
They both changed the subject at once.
John decided he simply would not agree to something that would make Maria feel badly, because he could tell by the look on her face, and her quiet thoughtfulness, that she was stewing. He would tell she was hurt. So much for not being jealous of fantasies!
Maria decided that ignorance was truly bliss.
John and Maria chit-chatted for a bit, avoiding the topic of sex altogether.
John knew he would continue to enjoy his fantasies and just simply not inform Maria ever again.
Maria wanted her ignorance back, but it was too late.
She hoped that all future fantasies of his would remain his, and his alone. She simply did not want to know, or go there. She should have listened to him when he warned her.
She felt that somehow, in order to work through her issue, she might need to blow up or have a hard cry about it. The insecurity was too much. Could she just simply let it go? Perhaps... those were her choices... have a huge fight to get through it, or just let it go and allow it blow away by itself.
Blow... hhmmm... perhaps a blow job would be better, and representative of the latter choice.
Maria concluded that loving John was a far better option than causing contention between them. She went down on him, on the spot, much to his enjoyment.
Yes, his dick could plug her big mouth and teach her a lesson against asking things she would rather not know. Her pride was hurt and humility had to commence. She would hold her tongue... and use it to lather him up in ecstasy instead!
Better to swallow it than to spit it out this time, she thought, realizing the duality of her pride and false confidence causing her own sexual insecurities to swell up.
"Fuck my mouth and don't ever let me ask you about your fantasies again," she moaned in between sucks.
"You know it, darling," John replied, thrusting his groin forward into her face harder.
Maria popped her head back up off of his little head once again and said, "Ignorance is bliss..."
John grabbed her hair to force her face back down, "Finish me off... Swallow..." he said as fantasies about women from the porn sites entered his mind. He saw them clearly with his eyes shut and his gonads about to erupt in sexual pleasure.
He blew up into her mouth, his essence filling her oral cavity, sliding down into her belly as he continued to tell her to swallow.
She swallowed everything he offered her. Everything that he required of her.
Even his silence about his fantasies.