Friday, February 27, 2015


I know something.
Something that happened today.
By June I will be able to tell people if I was right.
Waiting sucks, doesn't it.

Monday, February 16, 2015


No baby...
As good as barren, when again no baby?
When pregnancy arrives, but blighted ovum erupts in red waterfalls.
Tissues of life, containing nobody.
Hope and happiness, birthing emptiness two minutes apart.
Reaching down below, deep into the heart of the womb,
below the exit where all comes to light,
Rivers of blood shed out from the depths.
No baby.
Then anger, and grief, and fighting between,
like a symbol of the death of something that never was,
the reality hit...
it kicked in the windshield that held it captive
behind the hands that held it in place,
packed behind shadowed allusions,
and painted words dark and gruesome,
unforgiving, and hard.
No baby, no sanity, no chances.
So the slap of life was never to ring true,
and the abuse of the words 'no baby' would be to worsen
over time
possibly forever... because of everything.
Even a list of 15 sorries could never fix this.
No guilt or shame, just no baby.
"I only did it for you"
lies hiding the pain.
Just no baby came,
and no baby will ever arrive.
What was a hope and a wish for over a year,
has died,
with the baby,
the baby that never was...
the little one who would never be held,
and never will breathe or say I love you,
without a change of heart,
a new heart, and mind, and body.
No baby then, no baby now.
As for the future... the only baby
that could be real, will be what business,
a substitute,
or nothing at all.
No baby will ever know that it never existed...
and may never become real again.
No baby will ever feel it's parents' arms,
or to learn and grow and play.
No baby was.
No baby is.
It is deemed so, therefore...
No baby ever.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015


I am watching as a dear friend of mine goes through relationship problems. Her husband is mentally ill and continually goes through cycles of being a wonderful husband, but then everything turns sour. Up and down, up and down. She is sure it is his brain and body chemistry all out of whack. But she asked, "What do I do when he doesn't want me around, calls me names, demeans me, tries to control me, treats me like I am a child, is unforgiving, unrealistic, illogical, unbending, argumentative, relentless, goes off the deep end with exaggerated threats (like kicking her out or even divorce), and is generally not nice?"

She says it doesn't happen often, but lately it has been happening more. He admitted to her that he does not know how to be a husband and that it's all new for him, yet his desire to be alone--like the bachelor he was for almost all of his life--is too strong. "It is the easier way than to actually take responsibility," she insists, "and he's setting up our whole relationship for failure. Every time he mentions divorce it is because of his own issues, not mine."

She came to me, emotionally distraught, but I told her... GIVE IT OVER TO THE GREATER WILL.

This can mean different things to different people. For some it might mean that he has a greater will than she does. In some things, her will might be greater. For instance, regarding his will... his desire is for his happiness and to not be accountable to anyone, and if that means being alone then she may need to make arrangements to move out, if he tell her to leave. Or it could mean her will in some things are greater, such as not accepting his low opinions of her. She could just simply learn to ignore them, figuring he is just having outbursts when his mental issues are on the rise; and although she would choose to love him anyway, she might prefer to walk away until those tough moments pass.

Still yet there is an even better way to give it over to the greater will. It doesn't just mean allowing yourself, in your unbending decisions, to stand up to someone (not fight, necessarily), or to let them have their way (but conceding might keep the peace, or allow him to realize he is making a mistake)... but it can mean giving up our own desires and disappointments to a greater power. Whether this is God, or the gods, or the universe, or nature, or whatever it is that works for you, you can choose to find peace by letting go.

Since I told her this she made a list of all the things he didn't like and she started crossing them off one by one, doing what he wanted, or being ready to go at a moment's notice (if he kicks her out, for instance), while still standing strong on her convictions of not accepting his belittling comments, or refusing to divorce him (although if he chooses he can try). This list she made has given her a sense of having control of her own life back... whether that choice is to let go, give in, or stand strong, depending. She is prepared no matter how it turns out.

In this giving in to the greater will, including her greater power, through prayer and an earnest heart, she has found a sense of inner peace. Even if she is not happy with something, she can fall back on her inner peace.