Friday, April 22, 2016


I heard someone (a man) recently call a woman (a lady I know) a "wallflower", which had a negative connotation. Perhaps you know a person like this so-called wallflower... or maybe you are one? Do you know what a wallflower means? I overheard these two talking, but what I thought it meant was not actually what it means.

What did I think it meant?
Basically, a person who has no personality, who sits there and is boring. A character flaw. A negative thing to be. Something that needs to be fixed because it is inferior.

I wondered if the lady was actually a boring person, or who was so ignorant or unintelligent or "didn't entertain" that guy enough (so I heard him say) that he would call her that?

I figured this guy must really be desperate for quality company. She must be an idiot in his mind. In fact, he bitched to her about how soft-spoken she is, wimpy even. He blamed her for being passive, in effect. She was nothing to him.

I figured a wallflower must be deaf and dumb, like an image of a flower on the wall or on wallpaper, that just sits there looking pretty but hears nothing, says nothing, has no pretty smell (as a real flower would), and goes nowhere because it has no actual life to it. Just a 2D picture... flat and unappealing. A boring image to look at or be near. Dead. At least, dead to him.

I had heard the term wallflower used a number of times in my life, and figured I knew what it meant. I didn't... at least not from the perspective of the actual definition.

So it struck me a couple days later... what exactly *is* the definition of a wallflower anyway?

I googled the definition of a wallflower: "a person who has no one to dance with or who feels shy, awkward, or excluded at a party."

Oh dear God, boy did I have it wrong!

According to this, a wallflower is not boring, but shy. Someone self-conscious... sensitive. Perhaps an introvert who prefers to sit away from the party-happy people who jump around and make a lot of noise and drink more than they can handle. Not just that, but there's potential in this person, this wallflower...

Here is the important part. The distinction I must point out...

Just because they have no one to dance with does not mean they are not worth dancing with!
Just because they have no one to dance with does not mean they are not a good dancer!

A wallflower is someone who is judged by another as something unworthy, but until they are asked or given the opportunity to show they are a living flower--full of grace and beauty in their own way, who gives off a sweet fragrance when they bloom--then they simply are living as 'potential energy' rather than non-energy.

Non-energy is boring because it sits there for no reason outside of itself. Potential energy simply has not yet been released.

Even if the person is not a good dancer, it does not mean that is there best skill or talent. There are many ways to find out how they "dance" in life, and it may be different than you expect.

So to me, now, the wallflowers of life do not necessarily mean that someone is boring or unworthy--it means they haven't been given the opportunity to grow and flourish. They have not been nurtured properly.

Flowers are plants, and plants need watering, and just the right conditions of temperature and sunlight and nourishment from the earth, and perhaps mulching to protect them and build up the soil for optimum growth so they can bloom.

So now I do not see that man as being superior over the wallflower woman that he blamed and put down.

I see the man as being inept and a hypocrite because he did not ask her to dance.
I see the man as being mean because he ignored her and did not look at her heart.
I see the man as misjudging her, not giving her a chance.
I see the man as not providing her with the environment she needs to grow and bloom.
I see the man as the problem, not the solution.
I see the man as an enabler of his own version of what he thinks a wallflower is, so he can use it against her.
I see the man as not being a true nurturer, but selfish and demanding, wanting attention, and needing to be "entertained".
I see the man as being weak because he is a user, not a giver. His energy is unidirectional--towards himself.
I see the man as an energy vampire, sucking peoples' energy but not giving any back.
I see the man as someone not worth dancing with.

Good for her, the wallflower, if she sits on the sidelines all forlorn, for the man who doesn't ask her to dance is not worth dancing with.

Better to be alone for a couple hours than to feel alone for the next 2 years (or more) by getting into a relationship with a man who would never nurture her needs and allow her to bloom, so that she feels alone even when she is with him.

I respect the wallflower now, where before I didn't.

Too bad for the man who ignored the wallflower and missed out on her actual inner beauty. She will serve others well when the environment for growth is right, whereas he will miss the real dance of his life.

I would rather be a wallflower, too, than to be with a man like that.. the man who called her a wallflower as if it were a bad thing. Being a wallflower is a temporary circumstance, not her entire life.

She is "only a wallflower" to him because he ignores her, causes her to walk on eggshells because she knows she will get demeaned again if she argues.

Wallflowers are still flowers, and they are beautiful--if seen through eyes that can behold their beauty. Spiritual eyes, eyes with potential, eyes that have vision, eyes that know how to nurture and protect and create a healthy environment for growth.

Be a wallflower ladies... and do this:

Wait for the right guy who actually asks you to dance, if you like. Just because you don't feel like getting up and dancing alone does not make you a bad or boring person, nor does it mean you should stand up prematurely and dance with an idiot who does not appreciate or want you... for he does not know who you are at all. He may misjudge and lack the ability to see your true potential, let alone bring you into abundance. Wait for the one who chooses you for you, who will see your potential and positive attributes and who supports your growth.

Sit alone happy... or you can always leave the party. There are more people in the world than who attend that one party, or any "party" for that matter. Do something you like, and go places you prefer to be. Do not make the mistake of dancing with someone who does not appreciate you, or investing in a person who does not invest in you. Invest in yourself, nurture yourself, know what you like and what you don't, know what makes you grow and live and bloom. DO those things that make you smile and feel alive! Do not wait on some guy who may never come. Do not rely on a guy who dances with you one day and refuses the next, wishy-washy, back and forth, for he is unreliable. Rely on yourself. Be your own strength, and love yourself. If you are this kind of wallflower, then there is no need to wait on someone to make you feel you are worth something, because you already know you are.

So how do you nurture a wallflower?

Simply take time to invest in a person to find their values and strengths and appreciate who they are for their own sake (not yours).

If you, yourself, are a wallflower, then simply nurture and love yourself, as you are. :)

Written for the lady I know--the wallflower... and all the other misunderstood wallflowers in life.

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