Monday, April 25, 2016
WHY I HAVE MARRIED AND DIVORCED SO MANY TIMES
Why have I been married so many times?
Because I love having a partner, enjoy commitment, monogamy, knowing someone is there, and serving them, loving them, supporting them, the sex and interplay and dynamics of the relationship. Love having a friend who is so much more, who is capable of connection and deep conversations about spiritual and scientific things. I am love with the concept of love.
Interestingly, one of my ex's actually told me that about myself, in total contempt and disdain, that I am love with love. Of course, there was contempt for women in general in that relationship--his mother, and the fact that he was gay. Hence, that relationship ended. I left him.
So why have I been divorced so many times?
It is simple really. My version of love is deeper and has higher expectations than most men can accomplish. It involves respect and self-control, as well as doing right by others (including the children and me). None of these men were able to live up to that. I pick losers, hence I am the biggest loser of all.
The first guy was a marriage on paper... I was 15 and pregnant and he was 21 and an alcoholic. What did I know? I never wanted to marry him and I broke up with him because I didn't want him negatively influencing my child. But we got married on paper (never lived with him) for a few months and then divorced so it would 'look right' to society. I simply never counted that as a marriage.
Then there was #2, and I almost broke up with him at age 17 because he lost his temper over my son, who was a mere baby. I should have never married him but I wanted out of my parents' house and not to burden them anymore. We actually did okay for a while, but his mental illness (bi-polar and schizoeffective--he heard voices) were undiagnosed and untreated. His temper was outrageous. He hurt my son enough, so our fights were loud and often. That is not how people should live. I left and our divorce was final by the 5 year mark. We never had kids, thank God.
#3 was the one I mentioned earlier (the gay one)... this lasted 10 years, and we had two more children together. We did okay except for the fact that he was only capable of loving a woman so far, and I was not good enough for him, let alone the right gender. Although his sexual orientation affected our marriage, it was over finances, in the end, which brought about our demise. I could no longer do it on my own, without his participation. I gave an ultimatum (these are dangerous for me) and he chose, so I filed for divorce and kept the three kids with me. We are still friends, to a point, at least when it comes to the kids.
Then came #4 and he was much older than me, but a Godsend (already trained, previously married and had raised kids). I had a dream that he would meet me and be the "lover side of God" to me--a true husband. He was. He also was a drunk, which put a serious damper in our relationship, but it was his issue. However, when #2 (who lived next door) molested my daughter, and my husband also got blamed for it (and convicted), my life fell apart. I had a nervous breakdown. My husband got 10 yrs in prison while the one who confessed took a plea bargain with no prison time. I moved away to start a new life. I filed for divorce 2 1/2 yrs later and the whole experience broke me. No kids between us. Because of the stigma I knew I could never be with him again. I healed but it took years. When I was finally ready to date again I was still going through the divorce (I purposefully took my time so I would not rush in too soon).
I met #5 and he was adorable and sweet, but although he had love for me, he also was a lifetime bachelor and had no idea about long-term relationships or living with anyone, or what commitment really meant. There were a few strange things, but I didn't really figure out that there was an imbalance (chemical? thyroid? just passive-aggressive?) until after we were married, nor did I see any serious acting out until after we got married. He's just prefers being single. He cares about me, but not enough.
Why did he even marry me? I wanted this to be the LAST time I ever got married. Ever. He knew that. He just made a mistake, is all, says he.
My heart is broken.
I just really wanted to grow old with someone.
I guess that's it then. There seems to be a serious lack of commitment, and it's not on my part. I know when I'm beating a dead horse. This one was his choice, not mine.
I am not leaving... he has already left me in his heart. It's done. It's just a matter of time now... the countdown begins.
I'm simply giving in, giving up. You cannot make someone love you--I learned that mistake with #3.
I'm 45 and have potentially lived only half of my life.
I will never marry again.
I will get over it, like I always do. I am preparing, moving on, will start over, and will focus on getting out of debt, building my life and home and work, writing my books, and making a difference for others.
That is all I have to say about that.