Monday, April 25, 2016


Why have I been married so many times?

Because I love having a partner, enjoy commitment, monogamy, knowing someone is there, and serving them, loving them, supporting them, the sex and interplay and dynamics of the relationship. Love having a friend who is so much more, who is capable of connection and deep conversations about spiritual and scientific things. I am love with the concept of love.

Interestingly, one of my ex's actually told me that about myself, in total contempt and disdain, that I am love with love. Of course, there was contempt for women in general in that relationship--his mother, and the fact that he was gay. Hence, that relationship ended. I left him.

So why have I been divorced so many times?

It is simple really. My version of love is deeper and has higher expectations than most men can accomplish. It involves respect and self-control, as well as doing right by others (including the children and me). None of these men were able to live up to that. I pick losers, hence I am the biggest loser of all.

The first guy was a marriage on paper... I was 15 and pregnant and he was 21 and an alcoholic. What did I know? I never wanted to marry him and I broke up with him because I didn't want him negatively influencing my child. But we got married on paper (never lived with him) for a few months and then divorced so it would 'look right' to society. I simply never counted that as a marriage.

Then there was #2, and I almost broke up with him at age 17 because he lost his temper over my son, who was a mere baby. I should have never married him but I wanted out of my parents' house and not to burden them anymore. We actually did okay for a while, but his mental illness (bi-polar and schizoeffective--he heard voices) were undiagnosed and untreated. His temper was outrageous. He hurt my son enough, so our fights were loud and often. That is not how people should live. I left and our divorce was final by the 5 year mark. We never had kids, thank God.

#3 was the one I mentioned earlier (the gay one)... this lasted 10 years, and we had two more children together. We did okay except for the fact that he was only capable of loving a woman so far, and I was not good enough for him, let alone the right gender. Although his sexual orientation affected our marriage, it was over finances, in the end, which brought about our demise. I could no longer do it on my own, without his participation. I gave an ultimatum (these are dangerous for me) and he chose, so I filed for divorce and kept the three kids with me. We are still friends, to a point, at least when it comes to the kids.

Then came #4 and he was much older than me, but a Godsend (already trained, previously married and had raised kids). I had a dream that he would meet me and be the "lover side of God" to me--a true husband. He was. He also was a drunk, which put a serious damper in our relationship, but it was his issue. However, when #2 (who lived next door) molested my daughter, and my husband also got blamed for it (and convicted), my life fell apart. I had a nervous breakdown. My husband got 10 yrs in prison while the one who confessed took a plea bargain with no prison time. I moved away to start a new life. I filed for divorce 2 1/2 yrs later and the whole experience broke me. No kids between us. Because of the stigma I knew I could never be with him again. I healed but it took years. When I was finally ready to date again I was still going through the divorce (I purposefully took my time so I would not rush in too soon).

I met #5 and he was adorable and sweet, but although he had love for me, he also was a lifetime bachelor and had no idea about long-term relationships or living with anyone, or what commitment really meant. There were a few strange things, but I didn't really figure out that there was an imbalance (chemical? thyroid? just passive-aggressive?) until after we were married, nor did I see any serious acting out until after we got married. He's just prefers being single. He cares about me, but not enough.

Why did he even marry me? I wanted this to be the LAST time I ever got married. Ever. He knew that. He just made a mistake, is all, says he.

My heart is broken.

I just really wanted to grow old with someone.

I guess that's it then. There seems to be a serious lack of commitment, and it's not on my part. I know when I'm beating a dead horse. This one was his choice, not mine.

I am not leaving... he has already left me in his heart. It's done. It's just a matter of time now... the countdown begins.
I'm simply giving in, giving up. You cannot make someone love you--I learned that mistake with #3.
I'm 45 and have potentially lived only half of my life.

I will never marry again.

I will get over it, like I always do. I am preparing, moving on, will start over, and will focus on getting out of debt, building my life and home and work, writing my books, and making a difference for others.

That is all I have to say about that.

1 comment:

  1. You've been through quite an ordeal over time but that doesn't mean you should give up. Continuing to try to find your one true love after all you have been through shows what a loving heart you have. It's easy to quit and say you will never marry again; your story proves you are not a quitter. Your one true love is still out there. Keep your heart open and HE will find YOU.

    Gilbert @ McCormick Divorce & Family Law