Saturday, May 28, 2016
LETTING LOOSE OF YOUR REJECTION
It's never going to be the same, is it?
Your distance, because I let loose on you with harsh words that hurt, are obvious.
It is the same for me, accumulated over time. Years of blame, threats, and abandoning me and pushing me away finally sunk in.
I broke. Cracked by a small trigger. Something as insignificant as a question mark after the word sex. Didn't you know if you wanted to? Perhaps not... maybe it was yet another attempt to show me that I am not your priority or desire.
Maybe it was miscommunication.
Maybe it was my insecurities.
Maybe it was coming no matter the trigger.
My desire for you was always inescapable for me. Except this one time.
Like a dam holding back all the inner conflicts and negative thoughts, then bursting forth from my soul's cavities, spilling out their mycelial contents from the secret places never before seen, deep in the earth of my heart. As if having tentacles with a life of their own. Communicating things your ears could never hear.
The brash and biting sting of the Scorpio rising, the flooding emotions of the Pisces moon, the lost desires of the Cancer sun, culminating in one fell swoop, articulating it's judgments against your weaknesses. Weaknesses made obvious and glaring. Putting you down as I have been put down. Demeaned and controlled the way I was.
Pure retaliation, the defensive stance of a broken heart, which had given up and given in just a few weeks before. When skipping going to national meant I'd been duped by your threats to leave me... yet again.
I finally agreed and said you could leave, but that I was not leaving. But by then I actually wanted to. Now I would give you a reason to. You would see truth, from my eyes. Deep, hurtful and hateful words that you deserved. Words so true they are physically painful.
Oh yes, you deserved it... so many times. But I had held back too long, thinking it was over when it wasn't. Being told you wanted to work on our marriage when you didn't.
I broke. It was my heart split in two, bleeding out and drowning. The knife of your intentions scraping out every last bit of love and martyrdom that my soul could muster.
I hurt you back. You needed it, because I said so. Because it felt good to show you what it felt like.
This inclination is normally kept in check. Except that one time.
This time. When I let loose on you, out of the blue, as you had to me so many times. Treating me like a child, as your mother treats you. Like mother, like son. Like husband.
Blame me for it, as always. Threaten to not pick me up when I return. Abandon me again, will you?
This time it was on purpose. I meant every word.
Has it driven a wedge between us?
Your actions, especially the last year, were the wedge. My response became the hammer driving it in deeper... deeper... so deep that it would leave my heart and enter yours.
I will give in to dissolve this marriage as you have dissolved my love. I no longer have reason to keep trying.
My loyalty gave up.
My trust obliterated, gone.
My love diminished like a puddle drying up in the hot Texas desert, with deep mud cracks replacing desire.
My solid hope turned into a thin veil of haze, dissipating like fog burning off in the sun at noonday.
There is nothing left of me for you. I lie, but it sounds good when it hurts beyond the pain threshold.
But know this... by the time I broke, it was already too late anyway.
All that is left is a glimmer of a dream on the horizon, a weak call of a distant bird making its nest. Butterflies and moths and dragonflies fluttering about, being guides for the tipi-like structure of my soul, and as friends that pollenate the flowers of my perennial food forest. This is to be my life now. All these networks replacing the void you created and left behind.
It's not that my loyalty ever changed, or that my love faded. It's that it was used and abused so that it was ruined, like vinegar poured into milk, making it curdle. A very real chemical change.
What was once fresh was now made sour and lumpy.
So off to new recipes where sourdough is needed, and outcast weeds like me become a boon of nourishment, and recycled and natural resources abound. Where people help people, and shared vision becomes a reality. Where my person is more important than a slammed car door.
You are not in that scene, except as an aside. A friend at most, with only a few benefits if played well.
But never, never ever will I marry another again. Because I promised you would be my last, and I alone cannot make that happen. My efforts have now waned.
I am ruined for that life, which I must leave behind. Not by my choice, but by yours. I merely responded so as to give you the opportunity to be happy... without me. Because as you said, you hate me.
Change is never easy. Now you have been given a reason. Now you can go, because the thread I was holding together has broken.
This is your moment. The one you've been waiting and yearning for.
You didn't want the romance or love, or a lifetime partner. Why the fuck did you ask me to marry you and ruin my life? My hopes, my dreams? Did you not see you were in them? I wasn't in yours, evidently.
You want to be single, so you can date other women and be with more than one at once. As if your fantasies are greater than the reality of a loving and devoted wife.
You threw me away for the last time. I've stepped into the garbage can and saved you a step.
So be it.