Monday, May 9, 2016
I am so torn... torn between staying and leaving.
I want to stay, because I love him, tremendously. Deeply.
I want to leave because the feeling is not mutual. There is a lack of equality, respect, support, and love.
I am hurting, but if I say so, I am whining and negative.
I made a vow never to leave him, yet he pushes me away and asks me to leave. He doesn't leave, he says, because he pays the rent and is on the lease.
What happens when I am the leaseholder?
When I call the shots.
Will he go then? I know he loves me. Every time there's a battle, once it is over he snuggles and holds me close. I know he wants to stay, and wants me with him. It shows in so many ways.
Yet he pushes me away, when those moods hit.
I want to stay, but am torn...
I want to leave, but am torn...
I promised him and myself I would never give up on him. If I do I fail.
This is my dilemma... the rules I have set for myself.
Anyone can go through anything and come out shining, if we so choose.
That is the strength I pull from, the excuse I make to keep going when it might be wiser to let go.
This is the difficult decision... to break my vow and leave.
This is tearing me apart.
So maybe it is just easiest to make up the lack...
Support myself, love myself, respect and love him.
If he chooses to leave, then I am off the hook.
Don't rely on him, do not be dependent on him, do not suffer his whims against me.
Be my own person, happy with or without him.
Let him go emotionally before he even leaves.
Yet stay, and not leave physically.
Is this still leaving? Is this abandonment? Is this breaking my vow in a different way?
So many questions... so many complicated answers...
It should be easier than this.
Detach, detach, detach...
I am so torn...