Sunday, May 29, 2016
Nothing had changed her joy in him.
Nothing had altered that depth of love.
Only her own choice to listen to the message, given again and again.
"I made a mistake."
"I made a mistake."
So she stopped holding the thread that bound her heart.
Her foot stepped once, into her future.
There the wilde approaches.
No expectation replaces disappointment.
No desire consumes all sadness, radiating a new joy and endless love.
All but him.
She was his mistake.
Saturday, May 28, 2016
It's never going to be the same, is it?
Your distance, because I let loose on you with harsh words that hurt, are obvious.
It is the same for me, accumulated over time. Years of blame, threats, and abandoning me and pushing me away finally sunk in.
I broke. Cracked by a small trigger. Something as insignificant as a question mark after the word sex. Didn't you know if you wanted to? Perhaps not... maybe it was yet another attempt to show me that I am not your priority or desire.
Maybe it was miscommunication.
Maybe it was my insecurities.
Maybe it was coming no matter the trigger.
My desire for you was always inescapable for me. Except this one time.
Like a dam holding back all the inner conflicts and negative thoughts, then bursting forth from my soul's cavities, spilling out their mycelial contents from the secret places never before seen, deep in the earth of my heart. As if having tentacles with a life of their own. Communicating things your ears could never hear.
The brash and biting sting of the Scorpio rising, the flooding emotions of the Pisces moon, the lost desires of the Cancer sun, culminating in one fell swoop, articulating it's judgments against your weaknesses. Weaknesses made obvious and glaring. Putting you down as I have been put down. Demeaned and controlled the way I was.
Pure retaliation, the defensive stance of a broken heart, which had given up and given in just a few weeks before. When skipping going to national meant I'd been duped by your threats to leave me... yet again.
I finally agreed and said you could leave, but that I was not leaving. But by then I actually wanted to. Now I would give you a reason to. You would see truth, from my eyes. Deep, hurtful and hateful words that you deserved. Words so true they are physically painful.
Oh yes, you deserved it... so many times. But I had held back too long, thinking it was over when it wasn't. Being told you wanted to work on our marriage when you didn't.
I broke. It was my heart split in two, bleeding out and drowning. The knife of your intentions scraping out every last bit of love and martyrdom that my soul could muster.
I hurt you back. You needed it, because I said so. Because it felt good to show you what it felt like.
This inclination is normally kept in check. Except that one time.
This time. When I let loose on you, out of the blue, as you had to me so many times. Treating me like a child, as your mother treats you. Like mother, like son. Like husband.
Blame me for it, as always. Threaten to not pick me up when I return. Abandon me again, will you?
This time it was on purpose. I meant every word.
Has it driven a wedge between us?
Your actions, especially the last year, were the wedge. My response became the hammer driving it in deeper... deeper... so deep that it would leave my heart and enter yours.
I will give in to dissolve this marriage as you have dissolved my love. I no longer have reason to keep trying.
My loyalty gave up.
My trust obliterated, gone.
My love diminished like a puddle drying up in the hot Texas desert, with deep mud cracks replacing desire.
My solid hope turned into a thin veil of haze, dissipating like fog burning off in the sun at noonday.
There is nothing left of me for you. I lie, but it sounds good when it hurts beyond the pain threshold.
But know this... by the time I broke, it was already too late anyway.
All that is left is a glimmer of a dream on the horizon, a weak call of a distant bird making its nest. Butterflies and moths and dragonflies fluttering about, being guides for the tipi-like structure of my soul, and as friends that pollenate the flowers of my perennial food forest. This is to be my life now. All these networks replacing the void you created and left behind.
It's not that my loyalty ever changed, or that my love faded. It's that it was used and abused so that it was ruined, like vinegar poured into milk, making it curdle. A very real chemical change.
What was once fresh was now made sour and lumpy.
So off to new recipes where sourdough is needed, and outcast weeds like me become a boon of nourishment, and recycled and natural resources abound. Where people help people, and shared vision becomes a reality. Where my person is more important than a slammed car door.
You are not in that scene, except as an aside. A friend at most, with only a few benefits if played well.
But never, never ever will I marry another again. Because I promised you would be my last, and I alone cannot make that happen. My efforts have now waned.
I am ruined for that life, which I must leave behind. Not by my choice, but by yours. I merely responded so as to give you the opportunity to be happy... without me. Because as you said, you hate me.
Change is never easy. Now you have been given a reason. Now you can go, because the thread I was holding together has broken.
This is your moment. The one you've been waiting and yearning for.
You didn't want the romance or love, or a lifetime partner. Why the fuck did you ask me to marry you and ruin my life? My hopes, my dreams? Did you not see you were in them? I wasn't in yours, evidently.
You want to be single, so you can date other women and be with more than one at once. As if your fantasies are greater than the reality of a loving and devoted wife.
You threw me away for the last time. I've stepped into the garbage can and saved you a step.
So be it.
Monday, May 9, 2016
I am so torn... torn between staying and leaving.
I want to stay, because I love him, tremendously. Deeply.
I want to leave because the feeling is not mutual. There is a lack of equality, respect, support, and love.
I am hurting, but if I say so, I am whining and negative.
I made a vow never to leave him, yet he pushes me away and asks me to leave. He doesn't leave, he says, because he pays the rent and is on the lease.
What happens when I am the leaseholder?
When I call the shots.
Will he go then? I know he loves me. Every time there's a battle, once it is over he snuggles and holds me close. I know he wants to stay, and wants me with him. It shows in so many ways.
Yet he pushes me away, when those moods hit.
I want to stay, but am torn...
I want to leave, but am torn...
I promised him and myself I would never give up on him. If I do I fail.
This is my dilemma... the rules I have set for myself.
Anyone can go through anything and come out shining, if we so choose.
That is the strength I pull from, the excuse I make to keep going when it might be wiser to let go.
This is the difficult decision... to break my vow and leave.
This is tearing me apart.
So maybe it is just easiest to make up the lack...
Support myself, love myself, respect and love him.
If he chooses to leave, then I am off the hook.
Don't rely on him, do not be dependent on him, do not suffer his whims against me.
Be my own person, happy with or without him.
Let him go emotionally before he even leaves.
Yet stay, and not leave physically.
Is this still leaving? Is this abandonment? Is this breaking my vow in a different way?
So many questions... so many complicated answers...
It should be easier than this.
Detach, detach, detach...
I am so torn...
People who put down others for their race, how they drive or work or do things, pick on their genetic background, or their belongings that are associated with a certain nation (such as a flag), are prejudiced. Flat out. I have no interest in being near prejudiced people. I will choose friends from all walks of life any day before I will choose to hang with a monochromatic bigot.
We are all one race, the human race, and our differences in language or accent or nationality are differences to be celebrated. Unity in diversity! We should love one another... even those who openly (or secretly) hate others... that is the challenge now, isn't it.
I realized something important about respecting women tonight. I was with friends this evening, riding in the backseat of their car, and witnessed this (I will not name names)... a huge firetruck with lights flashing and sirens sounding was heading our direction in the opposite lane (separated by a median). The driver (a male) of the car we were riding in was evidently watching the firetruck, but didn't realize the vehicle in front of us had stopped completely. My friend in the front passenger seat (a lady) saw that we were barreling forward toward the back of the SUV and were about to slam into it, so she yelled, "Watch it! Watch it!" and her boyfriend (the driver) hit the brakes so hard the wheels screeched, and the car turned somewhat sideways as we veered into the next lane over.
He freaked out, screaming at her that she scared him by yelling out like that. She said we were going to have an accident because he wasn't paying attention. He said he would rather have an accident than to hear her “backseat driving,” and that he hated when people yell out like that because it scared him. He then said, "I should have slammed into them so that it hit on your side." I couldn't believe my ears... she just saved his car from being in an accident by alerting him to the stopped SUV in front of us, and he was blaming her for doing so, and claiming he wished to hurt her instead of being informed by her yelling out the warning. Seriously?!
Does this man (who cares so much about his car that he doesn't ever want anyone to slam the doors) really want to hurt his girlfriend and put her life in danger? If he cares about the car so much, but not as much as he wishes to see her harmed, then what does that say about their relationship and his respect and love for her? I think that it shows there is none. That a person would put his ego of not being ‘backseat driven’ above the care and safety of another is ludicrous to me. Shameful. Alarming. Disgusting. Infantile.
I witnessed this same guy later act huffy around his own mother (on Mother’s Day, mind you), and his brother (whom we went to meet) yelled at their mom, “All you did was yap all evening and it pissed me off.” It was Mother’s Day--she was happy and may have talked a lot because of that (I was glad she was happy so didn’t mind). This guy yelled at her like this on a special day, and I’m betting he has done it on lots of other occasions too, same as the first brother (the one from the car). I witnessed in that family this evening an utmost disrespect for their mother and girlfriend, and I lost all respect for them because of it. It was truly a disgusting scene. Such contempt for women because there is no respect for their mother. Bad relationships tend to reproduce themselves. I am so glad I have such a great relationship with my parents!
It flows over ladies and gentlemen, into time and other people... I feel sorry for my friend (the lady) if she stays as the girlfriend to any man in that family... because however a man treats his mother is how he will treat his girlfriend and especially his future wife. Pay attention! Don’t ever be with men like this ladies... it will be a lifetime battle of wills with their egos. There is no love in this kind of behavior. You will always be blamed and made into the ‘bad guy’ and never will do anything right in their eyes. You will never be considered an equal, nor will you be loved as you deserve.
Just saying. I witnessed it this evening... it could be anyone... it could be you... it could even be me.